Posted in Adoption

A Year Ago

I honestly cannot believe that a year ago we were just finding out that we were chosen as adoptive parents to two boys. And now here we are, a year later, just the two of us (and our two furbabies).

I don’t need to say this but this whole adoption process went nothing like how I expected it. If you’d told me a year ago that D was going to be a nightmare and we were going to have to disrupt, I would have said no way. I would have said there was NOTHING they could do to make me send them back. I would have said that I was going to put my whole heart and soul into making this adoption work.

The “funny” thing is that I did. I poured my whole heart and soul into the boys. I went to therapy to try to help them. I spent hours crying to my husband and on the phone crying to my mom trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Nothing. There was nothing I did wrong. There was nothing I could do. Love is just not enough. Love cannot fix trauma. Love could not give D what he wanted more than anything, to move back to his birth state.

It just wasn’t meant to be and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Going through the adoption training they tell you it’s going to be hard but no one can tell you HOW HARD it really is. We tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried. We didn’t send him back the first time he ran away or the second or the third. We kept trying. We kept trying to make him plant roots and you just can’t do that. You can’t force someone to be happy or stay somewhere they don’t want to.

What if we had adopted from our own state? I’ve asked myself this question before. Honestly, I don’t know the answer. What if we had only adopted one child? There are questions, things we could have done differently before being chosen for those boys. There are decisions we made that if we’d made them differently we never would have been chosen. We actually did inquire about a child in our home state and we never heard back about him. What if we had heard back? What if we had adopted from our state? What if we had only adopted one child? What if we had adopted a girl? The questions could go on and on. In my heart, I know the boys were supposed to be here those few months. They were part of our story. They were a chapter in our book. If not, God would have led us in a different direction but He didn’t. He led us in this direction.

All I do know is that we are done with adoption. I can’t emotionally go through it again. I know, I know, “it’s not about you” “these kids need homes”. That’s fine if that’s how you feel. You weren’t in my shoes. You don’t understand. No one can truly understand how we feel. No one else was here. No one else took the abuse from D. I know how much I can and cannot take. I know in my heart that I cannot go through the adoption process again.

God KNOWS what He’s doing, guys. All we have to do is have faith in Him. He will lead us in the direction we need to go.

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Uncategorized

Off My Chest

I just really need to get this off my chest.

My parents divorced when I was ten. Since then I have had an up & down relationship with my father. I had just about given up on him when I got married. My husband gently pushed me to try again and I did. For the past 7 years, our relationship has been fairly good. Up until this year.

I’m very hurt and I was trying to wait to write this until the hurt had passed some but I feel like I’ll feel better if I just let it out.

The boys came to us in May. My mother and step-dad came out two weeks later to visit. In the three months we had the boys, they visited us 4 times. They live 8 hours away. We also tried to FaceTime once a week or every other week. They wanted to be involved.

My biological father sent us one package of books and that was it. He lives about 10 hours away. He never reached out to FaceTime with the boys, never called, didn’t come visit. He didn’t even bother to call me to see how I was doing.

On both Fathers Day and his birthday (which are about a month apart), I called and texted him. I got no reply back. He did not bother to call or text my husband to wish him a happy Fathers Day. He finally texted on the 4th of July and I asked him did he receive my calls and texts. He responded “Yes.”

My birthday is August 1st. By that time, I was having a really hard time dealing with D and so I was already on edge emotionally. My biological father did not call or text me that morning. One of my brothers was there with me and told me that our father had called him the day before. When my other brother called to wish me happy birthday I asked him had he heard from our dad and he said our dad had called him the day before. I had received no calls or any other kind of communication from him. I finally received a text message from him at 10 o’clock that night. It just said “Happy Birthday”.

He finally reached out by text in Sept. asking if there was a good time to chat. (My husband and I both feel that he only reached out because I had blocked him from all my social media). He called the next Sunday (this was a week AFTER the boys had left) and I told him the boys were gone and went into that story. I told him that I was upset at him for not calling on my birthday and he said he was at a conference and forgot although that was no excuse. I told him that no, that’s  not an excuse and I’m hurt. He apologized and said he would call and check on me in the next few weeks.

I heard nothing from him until I saw him at my brother’s wedding in November. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing. Even at the wedding, he didn’t ask how I was doing. (Sidenote: a relative who I have not spoken to in over 10 years but we are friends on Facebook pulled me aside to tell me how sorry he was that it didn’t work out with the boys and that my husband and I did an amazing thing and he checked to make sure I was ok. That really put into perspective the fact that my biological father did not check on me).

Now we’re at Christmastime. I knew our father was  going to want to come out because my brother and sister-in-law were coming out. One week before Christmas he texted wanting Christmas plans. I told him to work it out with them because I didn’t care (in nicer words than that). He ended up coming to my house and picking up my brother and sister-in-law and spending the day with them. They came back later that evening to open Christmas gifts.

This is where it gets interesting. Originally, I did not want to get my biological father anything for Christmas. I am angry and upset and didn’t feel that he deserved anything. My husband helped me pick out some ties and even a tie holder for when he travels. I actually did put thought into the gift because I know he wears ties for his job and he also travels.

Here’s what he gave me:

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Yes, it is a CHILDREN’S BOOK. For the children that I DO NOT HAVE. When I opened it, it took everything inside me not to throw the book down and run out of the room. It is the MOST HURTFUL gift I’ve ever been given. There was no thought put into it. He didn’t even think about the fact that it just reminded me that I had no children and that I failed at having children.

Meanwhile, while I was opening the most hurtful gift ever, my brothers and sister-in-law were opening gift after gift of things that they would actually enjoy, things they were interested in. I had one gift. They each had four or five.

Honestly, up until the moment I opened that gift I had hope. Stupid, stupid hope. Hope that my biological father would step up and apologize and try to fix our relationship. Hope that he would make up for forgetting my birthday.  Hope that he would apologize for not calling me or checking up on me.

Honestly, I hate that I put myself back in this situation. I feel like I’m ten years old again, staring out that window, telling myself “he’ll come back, he loves us, he doesn’t want us to go, he’ll fight for us, he’ll come back”. For years after the divorce, I cried after talking on the phone to him. I used to say to my mom “why doesn’t he say i miss you? why doesn’t he say i love you? why doesn’t he come visit?” I couldn’t understand why my own father didn’t want me.

And here I sit feeling rejected again. The only difference is now I’m 29. 19 years later and I still don’t understand why my biological father doesn’t want me. And it’s even harder now because I know he keeps in touch with my brothers. It’s just me he doesn’t want. He even reached out to his ex-step-daughter after he divorced her mom. He wanted a relationship with her but he doesn’t want one with me.

At this point, I just have to accept the truth. He’s hurt me bad twice and I won’t let it happen a third time. I’m not willing to.

I guess I feel a little better putting this out there. It’s not weighing so heavy on my chest. I’m sure I’ll blog about it some more at some point but at least the story is out there.

thanks for reading

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Clinical Depression

Gray Day

*Rainy Days and Mondays Get Me Down* (No? Anyone else sing that song to themselves when it’s gray outside? Anyone else know what song that is? No? Ok.)

Cloudy days just really get to me. Do they get to everyone? I’m surrounded by a pretty cheerful husband who rarely lets anything get him down so I am not sure if it just me or not!

I know my Grandmother has told me about SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), it’s part of her clinical depression and causes her depression to get worse if the sun is not out or does not come out for a couple days. She has something called a “Sun Lamp” which to me is just a really, really bright lamp.

People have ACTUALLY laughed at me when I’ve told them about SAD. “Oh everyone gets a little down if the sun hides for awhile.” Well it doesn’t have to hide for awhile. If I wake up and its gray and cloudy I immediately have a rough time. It’s harder for me to get out of bed, take care of myself and get anything done.

It’s hard enough dealing with clinical depression but gray, cloudy days make me want to just crawl under the covers and try again tomorrow. today_has_been_rejected_try_again_tomorrow_square_sticker-r9a2dd00551564251af3d2538e24c1b7e_v9wf3_8byvr_324

^Totally how I feel^

I just really, really hate that I feel this way. I don’t want to have clinical depression and SAD. I really, really, really would LOVE to be a “normal” person who can just choose to be happy. I wish it was that easy for me. I hate feeling like this. I hate being mopey and sad and depressed. If you think I choose to feel this way, I really wish I could give you a gray, cloudy day in my shoes. I really wish my brain would work right.

I can’t think of a happy, positive way to end this post today. Just know if you’re going through the same thing, you’re not alone. Don’t give up. Don’t quit on yourself. There’s always tomorrow.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Uncategorized

Christmas Break 2017

This year most of my family came out here for Christmas. We had my brother & his new wife, my other brother, my mom, step-dad, uncle & of course, me, hubs, and our two fur babies. Everyone besides my uncle stayed at our house, he lives out here so he didn’t need to stay at our house 🙂

It was awesome!! I loved having everyone around for the holidays. Of course, around day 6 I was about ready for everyone to leave but I think everyone gets that feeling at some point when they have guests. It’s great having everyone but at some point you’re just like “i need my house back!!” Luckily by the time I started feeling like that, everyone left the next day anyway! My Grandma always told me “guests start to stink after 3 days” so I made it twice as long as she usually does!!

We had so much fun, it was my brother’s wife’s first time in Colorado so we made sure she got to do everything she wanted to. It snowed three of the days she was here which was all she wanted, so I was glad the weather cooperated! The only thing she wanted to do that we didn’t do was go to the zoo and that’s only because it was too cold!

Firstly, we worked on our lists for Santa:

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And put the Christmas Tree & Train up:

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Then it snowed the DAY BEFORE they were supposed to fly in! I was hoping it would last for her but luckily it snowed like a foot the night after they got here!

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My sister-in-law & I made a cake to celebrate two of the three December Birthdays! My hubs birthday is after Christmas so we celebrated that one the day of!

(She did the fondant art)

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We went to the mall & stopped in the Tesla store, man those cars are NICE…and EXPENSIVE! (My mom & I are in the car, this isn’t a picture of some strangers in the car lol!)

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My brother & his wife built a snowman! (Don’t you just love his legs??)

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We stopped at a lookout stop:

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Looking for our party store, it’s out there somewhere:

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And after everyone left…

We watched tv:

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And slept:

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Hope your holidays were merry! Mine were better than I thought they would be and for that I am grateful!

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Clinical Depression

Better Me, Better You

This year has started off with a BANG! I’ve been busy, busy, busy since the year started!

One thing my husband put in place (which has really helped me the last 3 days) has been to put a white board up in the kitchen where we write our to-do list. I am a HUGE NERD about crossing stuff off so it has been fun for me to make sure everything gets done and the board is empty at the end of the day! It has also been a HUGE HELP in making sure I don’t forget about the little things (like this blog). Every time I think of something to do I write it on the board so I can cross it off later. I’ve gotten so much done already this year!!

My clinical depression has definitely already crept up on me this year. Yesterday, I sat in the car crying for about 20 minutes while my husband comforted me. Just crying over ridiculous things but I couldn’t help it. Yesterday morning was really difficult to get out of bed. Sometimes depression can feel like a really heavy blanket that you just can’t take off. I curled under the blankets and hit the snooze button multiple times before I finally shook off my depression enough to get out of bed. I always feel better once I’m up and active but the getting out of bed is really difficult sometimes. The demons want you to stay down so they can keep bringing you down. My demons have a much harder time affecting me when I’m up and doing things so they try really hard to not let me out of bed.

One thing that helps me, that I know may not help others as it depends on your situation, is being able to tell myself “this feeling is temporary”. I was not always able to do this. It absolutely takes a lot to keep pushing those demons down. I just keep repeating “this feeling is temporary” over and over and pushing myself to get out of bed until I finally do. Sometimes this takes 15 minutes, sometimes it takes 45 minutes, but I just keep repeating until the demons go away.

I also met with a personal trainer this morning who I am going to start working with 2x a month. One of my goals is to get in shape in the hopes of getting pregnant. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen but I want to know that I did everything I could.

Cheers to a better me & a better you! Whatever your goals may be this year, I hope you strive to accomplish them!

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Clinical Depression

New Year’s Resolutions

We’re not really big on “New Year’s” Resolutions in this house. When you call them “New Year’s” Resolutions it seems like they only last a month, at most. I prefer to just call them Resolutions.

This year both of us have resolved to get in shape and get to the gym more. Hubs goal is to lose weight and get in shape. My goal is to get in shape and *fingers crossed* that helps me get pregnant. (But if not, I’ll still be ok).

I came up with my other resolution just a few days ago. I want to start a conversation about Clinical Depression. I suffered with my depression HARD this year and yet no one knows. Those of us with clinical depression feel ashamed of it and like we can’t share about it because people are so quick to say “well just DON’T be depressed”. I wish it was that simple. It’s the same as people saying “well just relax and you’ll get pregnant”. Wow, I didn’t know RELAXING could fix PCOS and unexplained infertility why didn’t my doctor tell me?

I want to use this blog to talk more about clinical depression. This year I *almost* went back on anti-depressants, something I haven’t been on in 8 years. I fought my depression back EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. and no one knew. Because I was ASHAMED. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a DISEASE. I literally cannot help it. Yes, I can fight it. But I cannot ever make it completely go away. I cannot make it not be a part of me.

So, I want to be more open about my depression this year. It is a part of me. It is a part of me I fight, a part of me that overtakes me sometimes. Unfortunately, it will never go away. But I’m done being ashamed of it. I’m done hiding it. I’m not going to make up excuses for why I feel the way I do anymore. If someone wants to come over and I’m feeling depressed, I’m just going to say “hey, my depression is bad right now but let’s try for another time”. I’m not going to make up other excuses because my depression is REAL. It’s hard.

But I make it through. I fight it off. I use meditation and quotes to calm my brain. I will go more in depth about the things I do to fight my depression back. I will share more about when things are bad and when things are good.

The most important thing I do: give everything to God. When I don’t think I can handle another second, I simply pray for strength to handle what I can and for God to take what I can’t handle. He knows everything we can handle. He knows I am STRONG enough to fight clinical depression or He wouldn’t have given it to me.

You are strong enough to fight whatever demons are going on in your life.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Uncategorized

Hasta La…Never 2017

Goodbye 2017! Good Riddance! Don’t come back! See ya never!

I’m not one to usually say “oh i’m so glad 2017 over” but THIS YEAR I am so glad to see 2017 go! I’m ready for a new year!

Highlights from this year:

January: Found out we were chosen for the boys, went to visit them and ALL OUR STUFF WAS STOLEN OUT OF OUR HOTEL!

February: Waiting on paperwork to bring the boys home, found out we MIGHT have to redo our homestudy, FBI background checks and fingerprints (ended up not having to redo anything)!

March: Boys came to visit! Found out that the state was nowhere near ready to send them to us. Put my Grandpa in a Memory Care Home for the first time, along with that comes having to deal with accepting his Dementia.

April: Still waiting for paperwork.

May: Paperwork goes through! The move in date is set for the end of May. My Grandma brings my Grandpa home from the Memory Care Home. This brings along new challenges.

June: Boys are here! Getting used to each other, they meet their grandparents, great-grandparents and uncles. As well as trying to make sure my Grandma is doing okay with my Grandpa.

July: Start having problems with D’s attitude. He runs away. Grandpa is moved into another Memory Care Home, it’s closer but I don’t like it. It smells like a nursing home and the nurses are rude.

August: Problems get bigger. He is now disrespectful and refuses to do anything we tell him. He won’t go to the doctor and we are not allowed to force him to do anything. He runs away again. He comes to us and tells us he wants to go home and will we buy him a plane ticket. He lies about everything and Q starts lying as well. I have had enough of his disrespect and we yell at each other, I leave the house and try to drive my car into a ditch and die. My husband talks me down and we realize we can’t live like this anymore. We tell our caseworker we need to disrupt. Boys go back to their home state. While dealing with all of this, my Grandma and Grandpa move out of state so my Grandpa can go into a VA home. My own father doesn’t call me for my birthday, never acknowledges that I called him for his birthday or Fathers Day, and reaches out to both of my brothers on my birthday and not me. Cue a lot of tears in August. (August was a rough month).

September: I relive that story over and over again having to tell it to family members, friends and neighbors. I cry a lot. I know we made the right decision but I am sad it didn’t work out. Caseworkers and agency NEVER reach out to make sure we are okay. The good news is that my grandfather is doing well in the new home although my grandmother is having a hard time.

October: Still getting over the fact it didn’t work out. Halloween at the store so that keeps us busy.

November: Vacation for me to see my brother get married! Was a much needed break! Enjoyed getting to know my new sister-in-law! However, my father is there and doesn’t acknowledge anything about the boys, doesn’t ask me how I’m doing, hasn’t called me since August.

December: Holidays are upon us and that makes me happy and sad. This was supposed to be our first year with kids. We were supposed to start new traditions. I’m starting to deal with the fact that my biological father wants nothing to do with me, which has been hard because I worked really hard to try and repair our relationship.

I guess you can see why I’m ready for next year! I just want to put 2017 behind me. Yes, I grew a lot. I am thankful for the growth I went through this year. But I am also ready to move forward.

Cheers to 2018!

xoxo

nikki