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I Worry

I’ve always been a worrier, a stresser. I like to know exactly how things are going to be. The little things worry me, hence why I’ve been reading the book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”.

My family knows I stress about everything. Then I went to the eye doctor and he asked me “Do you stress a lot? Because your pupils are REALLY dilated and that usually happens to people who stress a lot.” Huh. Did not know that. So I’ve been trying to relax more. Let things go. I’m not great at it yet. But there is one specific thing that I wanted to blog about today so let’s stop the rambling and get to it.

I worry that all I seem to blog about is the adoption/adoption disruption. I don’t know if it’s healthy to keep talking about it. To keep reliving it so often. But then again, it was a HUGE part of my life over the last year. I know it’s going to take time but I wonder if I need to stop talking about it. Stop blogging about it. But if I do, I’m not sure what I would blog about. I’m sure I could find something. But at the same time, I don’t think I want to stop blogging about it. This is my outlet.

I think it all comes down to the fact that I want to be over it. I want to let it go and yet I don’t want to let it go. I want to go back to the person I was before this all started. That “naive, everything will work out” girl. The “adoption is beautiful, adoption is wonderful, everyone should adopt” girl. I used to talk about adoption. I used to tell people that it was what I wanted to do. Now all I want to do is warn people about adoption. Especially foster care adoption. Now all I want to do is tell people that “adoption is hard, adoption is not worth it” and sometimes “adoption sucks”. Now keep in mind that this is all coming from a dark place inside me. For some, adoption is beautiful and awesome. For us, that wasn’t the case. My experience may not be yours. I would never want to talk someone out of adopting if that’s what they really wanted to do. I just want people to be more aware of how difficult it is. How alone you really will be. Caseworkers say they will be there but they won’t. YOU WILL BE ON YOUR OWN. You will have to figure out behaviors by yourself. THERE IS NO HELP.

For the time being, I will still be blogging about adoption and adoption disruption. I still feel like I have a lot to say. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to move on. I’ll try to maybe throw in some other blogs about crafts and stuff. And maybe one day this blog will move away from adoption disruption but for right now I’m not done talking about it. I don’t know if that’s harmful to my healing to keep talking about it or if it’s helpful to get it all out. The verdict is still out.

All I know is every time I sit down to write, I just start writing about the boys and the adoption and the disruption. There is so much in me I want to talk about but I do better writing it than trying to talk to someone.

And God bless my family, they have been amazing but everyone avoids talking about the boys. I think they think I don’t want to talk about, which is so sweet but also makes me feel pretty alone. I have this place and honestly, I think I’d rather just put my thoughts out into the world of strangers than talk about them with people I know. I’m just not ready for that. I need to sort out my feelings still. I still feel a lot of anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, joy, fear, and so much more.

thanks for reading my ramblings today.

xoxo

nikki

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Favorite Quotes

Today I thought I’d share a couple of my favorite quotes. Quotes often get me through difficult times. In fact I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to them!

Here’s a couple that have gotten me through lately:

How true is this and how easy it is to forget it! God is always there!

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This one simply reminds me that it’s okay to have rough days and break down:

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We will never truly be ready for anything! Just take a deep breath, have faith, and take the leap!

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This one has been one of my favorite quotes for awhile. I don’t know why, I just love it so much.

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Here’s the link to my Favorite Quote Pinterest Board:

xoxo

nikki

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Regression?

Is it possible to regress when dealing with loss? I hate to use the word loss because I feel like someone dying is a loss, whereas no one died in this situation. What’s a better word to use? Trauma? This situation? I don’t know.

I felt like I was getting used to life again. Getting back into how life was before. Getting set in a routine. Feeling like myself again. Reconnecting with my hubby. Communicating better.

But all of a sudden, I’m just angry and sad again. I’m having dreams about them again. Some are good, some are bad. I’m guessing this is probably normal? It’s hard because there is no one (that I’ve found) to reach out to. No one wants to talk about adoption disruption (unless you’re paying them $100+ an hour). It’s one of those taboo subjects. No one wants to be looked down upon and judged so we just don’t talk about it.

I’m lonely. I WANT to talk about it. I would love to find a chat room or anything with other women who have gone through this.

It’s not that people haven’t been nice to me. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been blessed because I haven’t felt judged, other than by caseworkers. Everyone has been SO NICE about it. We had a long conversation with one of our neighbors who knew about the adoption and she was so sweet and nice about everything. Family and friends, even neighbors, have just been so supportive and sweet. It’s been a blessing.

But yet there is no one in my life who has gone through this situation before. There is no one who can tell me that what I’m feeling and dealing with are normal. There’s no one who can tell me how long this will take. Will I always feel this way? Will I one day forget about the boys? I don’t want to always feel this way but I don’t want to ever forget them either. Is there a middle ground? I feel like I’m changed forever. I can never go back to the person I was in May. I can never go back to that naive, everything’s going to work out, happy to adopt person. I’ve been changed. I’ve been hardened by an awful foster system and uncaring caseworkers.

Honestly, what I want most is to let this go. To move on, as awful as that may sound. As soon as I take two steps forward, I feel like something pulls me back. And it definitely does not help that the holidays are now here. Holidays that I thought were FINALLY going to be our first holidays with kids. We could start our own traditions and continue some traditions from our own childhoods. And this year is not the year. And that hurts too.

The three months they were here seem to be slipping away. They seem like years ago not just two months ago. I am moving on and somehow a part of me doesn’t want to. I want to grab onto those good memories and hold them close because I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids. Those three months might be the only months that anyone will ever call me mom. They might be it. They might be the only memories I have of having kids. As tough and bad as the situation was at times, there were also good times. There were cuddly times, there were two kids calling us mom and dad, there was seeing my husband as a dad, things that I thought may never happen and now they are all gone again. And I don’t know what the future holds. I want to have kids but it’s not up to me. God knows my heart. He knows what I want and He knows what I need. If those two don’t match up, then I pray He gives me what I need and not what I want. He’s proven to me that His plans are better than mine.

xoxo

nikki

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Vacay 2k17

Sorry for the long absence but I was *kind of* on vacation!

My brother got married! And, oh, it was a beautiful wedding! The week leading up to it was *rough* but isn’t that what happens when two families have to get to know each other?? (I hope so)

I say I was *kind of* on vacation because there wasn’t much relaxing done! I spent 1 (ONE) hour on the beach and our condo was right by it!!

We spent most of the week at my new sister-in-laws parent’s farm, getting it ready for the wedding! Although it wasn’t the most relaxing, I had a lot of fun getting to know her and her family and seeing her with my brother.

Is there any better feeling than knowing that your brother has found his perfect match? (I’m tearing up now just thinking about their wedding). They are just so perfect for each other. I’m really thankful to have her in our family.

We worked A LOT so I can’t really call it a vacation but it was fun nonetheless! I’m a crafty person and so is my sister-in-law so I enjoyed helping her make most of the things for her wedding!

The day of the wedding, I was a little bossy and ended up in charge of a lot of things!! Such as: decorating the tree they were getting married under & the cake! I ended up in charge of making sure the cake was safe and unboxing it!!! (I don’t know who thought putting me in charge was a good idea!!) But everything went smoothly and it was beautiful.

I was a bridesmaid, which was my first time! We took tons of pics, which I can’t wait to see! They each wrote their own vows and I cried. They were so so sweet! Then at the reception, my brother’s best man gave a toast that made me cry again!

While the wedding turned out beautiful, my poor sister-in-law was so stressed out leading up to it! I really tried to take on some of her stress, get stuff done, and make sure people stayed out of her hair!

I am so so thankful to have cool in-laws (I hear that some of them can be pretty nasty!) and am so glad she’s not like that!!

Even though her wedding was beautiful, the stress of the week made me thankful for my wedding. It was me, my future husband, the justice of the peace and a witness the courts gave us, it was perfect!!! If I had my wedding to do all over again, I’d do it the EXACT SAME WAY!

Big weddings are fun, although stressful, but I think they are for others, not me!

I always felt that there would never be anyone good enough for my brother. (Aren’t all big sisters that protective?) I’m so glad that A came along and proved me wrong! My brother is the HAPPIEST I’ve ever seen him! And I’m glad that they get to be happy together for the rest of their lives!

Now I have one more brother who gets to find his perfect match!

Now that I’m back, I’ll try to write a couple more posts!

xoxo

nikki

 

 

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Comparing

I have a very bad habit of comparing my life to everyone’s around me. I’m the person who’s always sitting here going:

“They’re a better parent than I was”

“There business is more successful than mine”

“They exercise more than I do”

So all these people must be better than me.

I don’t know why I do it. I have a really, really great life. I really actually love my life. It’s hard, yes. But I love my husband. I love our dogs. I love my job. I love our house.

But I can’t stop. I don’t know how to stop. I want to stop. I hate this about myself. I hate that I compare myself so much. I hate that I put myself on such a low pedestal and people I barely know on such a high pedestal.

I want to be on the high pedestal. I want to believe in myself. All I feel like all the time is a failure. My adoption failed. My business is barely profitable. I don’t get up early in the morning and go exercise. I don’t eat healthy enough.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of all of us doing it. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS. Especially when it’s just a snapshot of their life on social media. So I don’t get up early (like before 7am). So what I don’t exercise. So what I’m not a vegan. So what!

I work hard everyday at our business. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. It’s not going to make us millionaires tomorrow. It’s going to take a lot of time, a lot of word of mouth, a lot of work to make it successful. Sometimes I forget that. I want it to be successful NOW. And it’s not, so I feel like a failure. But instead of looking at how far I have to go, sometimes I need to look at how far we’ve come. Being profitable is the first BIG step to any business and we are almost there. I have learned a lot about business having one. I’ve had to jump into an area that I knew basically nothing about and teach myself everything. Mistakes have been made. That’s the past and there’s nothing I can do but learn from them.

Our adoption failed. So I must be a terrible parent. No. I’m just not the kind of parent who can parent somebody else’s child. The fact that this failed says nothing about my parenting skills. It just says that we were not meant to adopt. That makes me feel bad sometimes, too. Adoption was always something that I wanted to do. Give a child a loving home and all that. I have to accept that I was not meant to adopt. I wanted to and I tried it and it just wasn’t meant to be. I’m so glad and thankful that we got to have those boys in our lives for a couple months. I know that this decision was the best for all of us.

I don’t get up at the crack of dawn. I’ve never been a morning person. Getting me up before 8am is amazing. And I’ve been waking up around 7:30 lately. I feel like I need to get up earlier to get more done but I think I’m just one of those people who needs more sleep to function. That’s okay. I still get everything done that I need to get done. Plus I get the sleep that I need too!

I don’t exercise. I need to. I know I’ll feel better if I do. I have to chalk this one up to laziness, plain and simple. I don’t like to exercise (who does?). So I’ll work on this one.

I don’t eat healthy enough. Really? I totally do. I’m not a vegan or vegetarian by any means but I don’t eat a ton of fast food or even junk food. I snack on air popped popcorn, celery, almonds & raisins. I try to eat salad a couple times a week if not everyday. I don’t know why I tell myself I don’t eat healthy enough. I totally do.

Sometimes social media can really get us down. We see perfect snapshots of someone’s imperfect life and start comparing. Stop it. We all have perfect moments in our day but it doesn’t mean our life is anywhere near perfect.

My life is not perfect and I’m thankful for that. More than anything, I’m just grateful to have this beautiful life. I’m more than thankful that I didn’t take my own life when I thought about it and that I’m here today to enjoy my life.

xoxo

nikki

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STRONG

I have so much to write but yet so little to write. When the ideas come, I can’t find the time. When I find the time, the ideas are gone.

This morning was the first really bad depression morning I’ve had in awhile. We’re talking “don’t want to be here, giving up” kind of morning. Then when I finally rolled myself out of bed, I had to talk one of my kids out of a crying/pouting fit by using compassion that I sure as heck didn’t feel.

It got better as the day went by. My depression usually can start to be controlled the more I wake up. By midmorning I was doing pretty well. By that I mean I was controlling the suicidal thoughts. It helped that for the first time in about 3 days the sun decided to grace us with his presence. They say depression is worse when the sun isn’t out and it’s actually true. I can usually handle one day but by the second & third day I start going downhill. It doesn’t help that I’m still dealing with acid reflux and at least once a week I throw up stomach acid as soon as I wake up. That happened this morning too.

This morning really showed me again how STRONG I truly am. I woke up throwing up and wanting to not be here anymore but went downstairs and was a compassionate, loving mom (even though those were the last two things I felt).

Therapeutic parenting is absolutely not for everyone. Somedays I’m not even sure I can do it but somehow God helps me find the inner strength I need to get through. I’m realizing every day exactly how strong I am.

I’m strong enough to beat depression.

I’m strong enough to live with acid reflux.

I’m strong enough to parent these kids from hard places.

I’m strong.

And if you’re struggling today, I just want to let you know that YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH to get through whatever it is.

xoxo

nikki

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Inactive

There have been so many times that I’ve been out and about and thought “man, i should write a blog about that.” And now that all my boys are out shopping and I’m home alone, I keep debating “should I spend my time writing or….resting” lol.

Parenting adopted/fostered kids is HARD. You can read the books, talk to a therapist, watch the videos but at the end of the day, I have to parent my kids how I feel is best. There are times when therapeutic parenting doesn’t look like parenting at all and I look like I’m my child’s friend. There have been moments where we both look at each other like “what do we do”. There have been many, many, many phone calls to our caseworker. There have been too many prayers to count. There are times when I go to talk to the child in trouble and I just pray I can find the words to get through to him. There have been so, so many tears (mostly mine) as I search my soul to figure out how to reach these kids. There have been moments when I’ve realized just how strong I am.

There have also been moments that are worth every second of the hard times. The hugs, the kisses, the “i love yous”. The moments when these kids say their name with our last name. When they say something is “ours”. Super tiny little things that may seem like nothing to a biological parent mean everything to us. The fact that they even want to take our last name after only 2 months is a big step. The fact that they love Facetiming Grandma & Grandpa, or going next door to see Great-Grandma, Great-Grandpa & their Uncle are HUGE steps that we didn’t expect to see this soon. They can’t wait to meet their other two uncles! They are making HUGE steps, even though they seem like small ones.

Every day is not good. Every day is not bad. We have our moments. We’re all learning & adjusting. I’m learning that one of my kids is super in tune to my moods. If I snap, he snaps. If I’m good, he’s good. It’s been trial & error. It’s been an adventure, honestly. And it just keeps continuing.

xoxo

nik