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Email

Today this email popped up on my phone:

Just a simple friendly reminder of D’s birthday.

But it hurt me to my core. Added to the fact that,yes, D’s birthday did pop up as a reminder from my calendar because it got overlooked when we were deleting things.

It hurts, you guys. It just hurts. I’m not okay and I’m wondering will I ever be ok? I know we made the right decision. D didn’t want to stay here and when an 8 year old asks you for a plane ticket to move home and talks about moving home every. single. day. you finally give him what he wants. I pray that he and Q are happy. That’s all I want for them.

It’s all I want for me too. I just want to be happy and over this and it just keeps hurting me. We were so excited last year. We wanted this. We wanted them. We wanted kids.

I just can’t believe it sometimes. That this year is so much different from last year. We have no contact with them. We don’t know how or what they are doing. We don’t facetime with them. They don’t ask to see their room or the dogs or tell us they love us. We don’t get to tell them we love them or buy books for them or play video games with them. We listened to what D wanted and somehow I feel like the caseworkers are punishing us. Just because we listened and followed through on what he wanted, we don’t get to have any contact? Or even just know that they are doing well? (its not fair!!!!)

I could go on and on about the things that are different but I won’t. Because it all boils down to one thing: last year we were preparing to have two boys and this year we don’t have them.

I hate that it went wrong. I hate that we were lied to by caseworkers. I hate that they moved D here when they shouldn’t have, it wasn’t what he wanted!!! I hate that kids in the foster system have no choices. Mostly I just hate that they aren’t here.

I’m not ok and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really, really struggling. I want to crawl in my bed and never come out.

I don’t know what to do. But I know I’ll just keep keeping on. I’ll keep believing in God. I’ll keep having faith in His plan. I’ll trust in Him.

xoxo

nikki

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Off My Chest

I just really need to get this off my chest.

My parents divorced when I was ten. Since then I have had an up & down relationship with my father. I had just about given up on him when I got married. My husband gently pushed me to try again and I did. For the past 7 years, our relationship has been fairly good. Up until this year.

I’m very hurt and I was trying to wait to write this until the hurt had passed some but I feel like I’ll feel better if I just let it out.

The boys came to us in May. My mother and step-dad came out two weeks later to visit. In the three months we had the boys, they visited us 4 times. They live 8 hours away. We also tried to FaceTime once a week or every other week. They wanted to be involved.

My biological father sent us one package of books and that was it. He lives about 10 hours away. He never reached out to FaceTime with the boys, never called, didn’t come visit. He didn’t even bother to call me to see how I was doing.

On both Fathers Day and his birthday (which are about a month apart), I called and texted him. I got no reply back. He did not bother to call or text my husband to wish him a happy Fathers Day. He finally texted on the 4th of July and I asked him did he receive my calls and texts. He responded “Yes.”

My birthday is August 1st. By that time, I was having a really hard time dealing with D and so I was already on edge emotionally. My biological father did not call or text me that morning. One of my brothers was there with me and told me that our father had called him the day before. When my other brother called to wish me happy birthday I asked him had he heard from our dad and he said our dad had called him the day before. I had received no calls or any other kind of communication from him. I finally received a text message from him at 10 o’clock that night. It just said “Happy Birthday”.

He finally reached out by text in Sept. asking if there was a good time to chat. (My husband and I both feel that he only reached out because I had blocked him from all my social media). He called the next Sunday (this was a week AFTER the boys had left) and I told him the boys were gone and went into that story. I told him that I was upset at him for not calling on my birthday and he said he was at a conference and forgot although that was no excuse. I told him that no, that’s  not an excuse and I’m hurt. He apologized and said he would call and check on me in the next few weeks.

I heard nothing from him until I saw him at my brother’s wedding in November. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing. Even at the wedding, he didn’t ask how I was doing. (Sidenote: a relative who I have not spoken to in over 10 years but we are friends on Facebook pulled me aside to tell me how sorry he was that it didn’t work out with the boys and that my husband and I did an amazing thing and he checked to make sure I was ok. That really put into perspective the fact that my biological father did not check on me).

Now we’re at Christmastime. I knew our father was  going to want to come out because my brother and sister-in-law were coming out. One week before Christmas he texted wanting Christmas plans. I told him to work it out with them because I didn’t care (in nicer words than that). He ended up coming to my house and picking up my brother and sister-in-law and spending the day with them. They came back later that evening to open Christmas gifts.

This is where it gets interesting. Originally, I did not want to get my biological father anything for Christmas. I am angry and upset and didn’t feel that he deserved anything. My husband helped me pick out some ties and even a tie holder for when he travels. I actually did put thought into the gift because I know he wears ties for his job and he also travels.

Here’s what he gave me:

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Yes, it is a CHILDREN’S BOOK. For the children that I DO NOT HAVE. When I opened it, it took everything inside me not to throw the book down and run out of the room. It is the MOST HURTFUL gift I’ve ever been given. There was no thought put into it. He didn’t even think about the fact that it just reminded me that I had no children and that I failed at having children.

Meanwhile, while I was opening the most hurtful gift ever, my brothers and sister-in-law were opening gift after gift of things that they would actually enjoy, things they were interested in. I had one gift. They each had four or five.

Honestly, up until the moment I opened that gift I had hope. Stupid, stupid hope. Hope that my biological father would step up and apologize and try to fix our relationship. Hope that he would make up for forgetting my birthday.  Hope that he would apologize for not calling me or checking up on me.

Honestly, I hate that I put myself back in this situation. I feel like I’m ten years old again, staring out that window, telling myself “he’ll come back, he loves us, he doesn’t want us to go, he’ll fight for us, he’ll come back”. For years after the divorce, I cried after talking on the phone to him. I used to say to my mom “why doesn’t he say i miss you? why doesn’t he say i love you? why doesn’t he come visit?” I couldn’t understand why my own father didn’t want me.

And here I sit feeling rejected again. The only difference is now I’m 29. 19 years later and I still don’t understand why my biological father doesn’t want me. And it’s even harder now because I know he keeps in touch with my brothers. It’s just me he doesn’t want. He even reached out to his ex-step-daughter after he divorced her mom. He wanted a relationship with her but he doesn’t want one with me.

At this point, I just have to accept the truth. He’s hurt me bad twice and I won’t let it happen a third time. I’m not willing to.

I guess I feel a little better putting this out there. It’s not weighing so heavy on my chest. I’m sure I’ll blog about it some more at some point but at least the story is out there.

thanks for reading

xoxo

nikki

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Christmas Break 2017

This year most of my family came out here for Christmas. We had my brother & his new wife, my other brother, my mom, step-dad, uncle & of course, me, hubs, and our two fur babies. Everyone besides my uncle stayed at our house, he lives out here so he didn’t need to stay at our house 🙂

It was awesome!! I loved having everyone around for the holidays. Of course, around day 6 I was about ready for everyone to leave but I think everyone gets that feeling at some point when they have guests. It’s great having everyone but at some point you’re just like “i need my house back!!” Luckily by the time I started feeling like that, everyone left the next day anyway! My Grandma always told me “guests start to stink after 3 days” so I made it twice as long as she usually does!!

We had so much fun, it was my brother’s wife’s first time in Colorado so we made sure she got to do everything she wanted to. It snowed three of the days she was here which was all she wanted, so I was glad the weather cooperated! The only thing she wanted to do that we didn’t do was go to the zoo and that’s only because it was too cold!

Firstly, we worked on our lists for Santa:

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And put the Christmas Tree & Train up:

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Then it snowed the DAY BEFORE they were supposed to fly in! I was hoping it would last for her but luckily it snowed like a foot the night after they got here!

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My sister-in-law & I made a cake to celebrate two of the three December Birthdays! My hubs birthday is after Christmas so we celebrated that one the day of!

(She did the fondant art)

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We went to the mall & stopped in the Tesla store, man those cars are NICE…and EXPENSIVE! (My mom & I are in the car, this isn’t a picture of some strangers in the car lol!)

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My brother & his wife built a snowman! (Don’t you just love his legs??)

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We stopped at a lookout stop:

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Looking for our party store, it’s out there somewhere:

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And after everyone left…

We watched tv:

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And slept:

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Hope your holidays were merry! Mine were better than I thought they would be and for that I am grateful!

xoxo

nikki

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Hasta La…Never 2017

Goodbye 2017! Good Riddance! Don’t come back! See ya never!

I’m not one to usually say “oh i’m so glad 2017 over” but THIS YEAR I am so glad to see 2017 go! I’m ready for a new year!

Highlights from this year:

January: Found out we were chosen for the boys, went to visit them and ALL OUR STUFF WAS STOLEN OUT OF OUR HOTEL!

February: Waiting on paperwork to bring the boys home, found out we MIGHT have to redo our homestudy, FBI background checks and fingerprints (ended up not having to redo anything)!

March: Boys came to visit! Found out that the state was nowhere near ready to send them to us. Put my Grandpa in a Memory Care Home for the first time, along with that comes having to deal with accepting his Dementia.

April: Still waiting for paperwork.

May: Paperwork goes through! The move in date is set for the end of May. My Grandma brings my Grandpa home from the Memory Care Home. This brings along new challenges.

June: Boys are here! Getting used to each other, they meet their grandparents, great-grandparents and uncles. As well as trying to make sure my Grandma is doing okay with my Grandpa.

July: Start having problems with D’s attitude. He runs away. Grandpa is moved into another Memory Care Home, it’s closer but I don’t like it. It smells like a nursing home and the nurses are rude.

August: Problems get bigger. He is now disrespectful and refuses to do anything we tell him. He won’t go to the doctor and we are not allowed to force him to do anything. He runs away again. He comes to us and tells us he wants to go home and will we buy him a plane ticket. He lies about everything and Q starts lying as well. I have had enough of his disrespect and we yell at each other, I leave the house and try to drive my car into a ditch and die. My husband talks me down and we realize we can’t live like this anymore. We tell our caseworker we need to disrupt. Boys go back to their home state. While dealing with all of this, my Grandma and Grandpa move out of state so my Grandpa can go into a VA home. My own father doesn’t call me for my birthday, never acknowledges that I called him for his birthday or Fathers Day, and reaches out to both of my brothers on my birthday and not me. Cue a lot of tears in August. (August was a rough month).

September: I relive that story over and over again having to tell it to family members, friends and neighbors. I cry a lot. I know we made the right decision but I am sad it didn’t work out. Caseworkers and agency NEVER reach out to make sure we are okay. The good news is that my grandfather is doing well in the new home although my grandmother is having a hard time.

October: Still getting over the fact it didn’t work out. Halloween at the store so that keeps us busy.

November: Vacation for me to see my brother get married! Was a much needed break! Enjoyed getting to know my new sister-in-law! However, my father is there and doesn’t acknowledge anything about the boys, doesn’t ask me how I’m doing, hasn’t called me since August.

December: Holidays are upon us and that makes me happy and sad. This was supposed to be our first year with kids. We were supposed to start new traditions. I’m starting to deal with the fact that my biological father wants nothing to do with me, which has been hard because I worked really hard to try and repair our relationship.

I guess you can see why I’m ready for next year! I just want to put 2017 behind me. Yes, I grew a lot. I am thankful for the growth I went through this year. But I am also ready to move forward.

Cheers to 2018!

xoxo

nikki

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Holidays 2017

I have been able to keep my mind (and myself) pretty busy these last couple weeks with very little downtime to really think about things. If I’ve needed to, I’ve taken some very long walks around the neighborhood to cry and vent by myself.

I’ve stayed away because I just haven’t been ready to blog anything. I’ve really tried hard to keep my mind away from thinking about “what could have been” or “what should have been”. It’s a normal human thing to think about those things but I just haven’t wanted to sit down and write about it.

I deleted Facebook from my phone because it was just getting too hard to look at the “elf on a shelf pictures”, “cute christmas jammies”, “kid traditions”, etc. I’ve felt better since doing that. At least the pictures aren’t screaming at me and I don’t check Facebook when I’m out and about doing things.

It still hits you at random moments though. And it’s especially hard because everything Spider-Man reminds me of Q. We’ll be out shopping and I’ll see these adorable Spider-Man pjs and say to my husband “Q would have loved those”. That’s when it really hits me.

I WANTED to give those boys EVERYTHING. We DID give them EVERYTHING. And it wasn’t enough. We had nothing more we could give. I wanted it to be enough. I wanted our home and our family to be enough for them. I tried everything I could to make D happy. I took his disrespect. I let him walk over me. And in the end I just couldn’t take it anymore. They wanted me to. But I just couldn’t. There is only so much disrespect and emotional abuse one can take. See, I’d already been emotionally abused for years by my own biological father. I couldn’t take it from an 8 year old for very long.

Anyway, the loss of the boys has hit me at random times. This was SUPPOSED to be our first Christmas with kids. And that was so exciting to me. I wanted to start new traditions and continue old traditions that we had from our childhoods. So, yeah, it sucks. There’s nothing else to say. It. Just. Sucks. Not that I want D and his abuse back. No, I don’t. It was just the idea of finally having a Christmas with kids that I’m mourning.

We finally put our tree up a week ago. Normally I would have had it up the day after Thanksgiving. We got a train last year, which was something I ALWAYS wanted when I was a kid. A part of me was a little sad putting it together this year because when I got it last year, I thought we would have kids with us this year. I imagined how excited they would be to put it together and put the tree up. (The awful part is that Q would have been excited, he loves trains).

I’ll end this post with a picture of our Christmas tree. I do love it (it’s prelit!) and love putting it up every year. There’s something calming about putting the tree up, putting the ornaments on, and just looking at it.

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xoxo

nikki

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I Worry

I’ve always been a worrier, a stresser. I like to know exactly how things are going to be. The little things worry me, hence why I’ve been reading the book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”.

My family knows I stress about everything. Then I went to the eye doctor and he asked me “Do you stress a lot? Because your pupils are REALLY dilated and that usually happens to people who stress a lot.” Huh. Did not know that. So I’ve been trying to relax more. Let things go. I’m not great at it yet. But there is one specific thing that I wanted to blog about today so let’s stop the rambling and get to it.

I worry that all I seem to blog about is the adoption/adoption disruption. I don’t know if it’s healthy to keep talking about it. To keep reliving it so often. But then again, it was a HUGE part of my life over the last year. I know it’s going to take time but I wonder if I need to stop talking about it. Stop blogging about it. But if I do, I’m not sure what I would blog about. I’m sure I could find something. But at the same time, I don’t think I want to stop blogging about it. This is my outlet.

I think it all comes down to the fact that I want to be over it. I want to let it go and yet I don’t want to let it go. I want to go back to the person I was before this all started. That “naive, everything will work out” girl. The “adoption is beautiful, adoption is wonderful, everyone should adopt” girl. I used to talk about adoption. I used to tell people that it was what I wanted to do. Now all I want to do is warn people about adoption. Especially foster care adoption. Now all I want to do is tell people that “adoption is hard, adoption is not worth it” and sometimes “adoption sucks”. Now keep in mind that this is all coming from a dark place inside me. For some, adoption is beautiful and awesome. For us, that wasn’t the case. My experience may not be yours. I would never want to talk someone out of adopting if that’s what they really wanted to do. I just want people to be more aware of how difficult it is. How alone you really will be. Caseworkers say they will be there but they won’t. YOU WILL BE ON YOUR OWN. You will have to figure out behaviors by yourself. THERE IS NO HELP.

For the time being, I will still be blogging about adoption and adoption disruption. I still feel like I have a lot to say. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to move on. I’ll try to maybe throw in some other blogs about crafts and stuff. And maybe one day this blog will move away from adoption disruption but for right now I’m not done talking about it. I don’t know if that’s harmful to my healing to keep talking about it or if it’s helpful to get it all out. The verdict is still out.

All I know is every time I sit down to write, I just start writing about the boys and the adoption and the disruption. There is so much in me I want to talk about but I do better writing it than trying to talk to someone.

And God bless my family, they have been amazing but everyone avoids talking about the boys. I think they think I don’t want to talk about, which is so sweet but also makes me feel pretty alone. I have this place and honestly, I think I’d rather just put my thoughts out into the world of strangers than talk about them with people I know. I’m just not ready for that. I need to sort out my feelings still. I still feel a lot of anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, joy, fear, and so much more.

thanks for reading my ramblings today.

xoxo

nikki

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Favorite Quotes

Today I thought I’d share a couple of my favorite quotes. Quotes often get me through difficult times. In fact I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to them!

Here’s a couple that have gotten me through lately:

How true is this and how easy it is to forget it! God is always there!

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This one simply reminds me that it’s okay to have rough days and break down:

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We will never truly be ready for anything! Just take a deep breath, have faith, and take the leap!

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This one has been one of my favorite quotes for awhile. I don’t know why, I just love it so much.

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Here’s the link to my Favorite Quote Pinterest Board:

xoxo

nikki