Posted in Clinical Depression

Gray Day

*Rainy Days and Mondays Get Me Down* (No? Anyone else sing that song to themselves when it’s gray outside? Anyone else know what song that is? No? Ok.)

Cloudy days just really get to me. Do they get to everyone? I’m surrounded by a pretty cheerful husband who rarely lets anything get him down so I am not sure if it just me or not!

I know my Grandmother has told me about SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), it’s part of her clinical depression and causes her depression to get worse if the sun is not out or does not come out for a couple days. She has something called a “Sun Lamp” which to me is just a really, really bright lamp.

People have ACTUALLY laughed at me when I’ve told them about SAD. “Oh everyone gets a little down if the sun hides for awhile.” Well it doesn’t have to hide for awhile. If I wake up and its gray and cloudy I immediately have a rough time. It’s harder for me to get out of bed, take care of myself and get anything done.

It’s hard enough dealing with clinical depression but gray, cloudy days make me want to just crawl under the covers and try again tomorrow. today_has_been_rejected_try_again_tomorrow_square_sticker-r9a2dd00551564251af3d2538e24c1b7e_v9wf3_8byvr_324

^Totally how I feel^

I just really, really hate that I feel this way. I don’t want to have clinical depression and SAD. I really, really, really would LOVE to be a “normal” person who can just choose to be happy. I wish it was that easy for me. I hate feeling like this. I hate being mopey and sad and depressed. If you think I choose to feel this way, I really wish I could give you a gray, cloudy day in my shoes. I really wish my brain would work right.

I can’t think of a happy, positive way to end this post today. Just know if you’re going through the same thing, you’re not alone. Don’t give up. Don’t quit on yourself. There’s always tomorrow.

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Clinical Depression

Better Me, Better You

This year has started off with a BANG! I’ve been busy, busy, busy since the year started!

One thing my husband put in place (which has really helped me the last 3 days) has been to put a white board up in the kitchen where we write our to-do list. I am a HUGE NERD about crossing stuff off so it has been fun for me to make sure everything gets done and the board is empty at the end of the day! It has also been a HUGE HELP in making sure I don’t forget about the little things (like this blog). Every time I think of something to do I write it on the board so I can cross it off later. I’ve gotten so much done already this year!!

My clinical depression has definitely already crept up on me this year. Yesterday, I sat in the car crying for about 20 minutes while my husband comforted me. Just crying over ridiculous things but I couldn’t help it. Yesterday morning was really difficult to get out of bed. Sometimes depression can feel like a really heavy blanket that you just can’t take off. I curled under the blankets and hit the snooze button multiple times before I finally shook off my depression enough to get out of bed. I always feel better once I’m up and active but the getting out of bed is really difficult sometimes. The demons want you to stay down so they can keep bringing you down. My demons have a much harder time affecting me when I’m up and doing things so they try really hard to not let me out of bed.

One thing that helps me, that I know may not help others as it depends on your situation, is being able to tell myself “this feeling is temporary”. I was not always able to do this. It absolutely takes a lot to keep pushing those demons down. I just keep repeating “this feeling is temporary” over and over and pushing myself to get out of bed until I finally do. Sometimes this takes 15 minutes, sometimes it takes 45 minutes, but I just keep repeating until the demons go away.

I also met with a personal trainer this morning who I am going to start working with 2x a month. One of my goals is to get in shape in the hopes of getting pregnant. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen but I want to know that I did everything I could.

Cheers to a better me & a better you! Whatever your goals may be this year, I hope you strive to accomplish them!

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Clinical Depression

New Year’s Resolutions

We’re not really big on “New Year’s” Resolutions in this house. When you call them “New Year’s” Resolutions it seems like they only last a month, at most. I prefer to just call them Resolutions.

This year both of us have resolved to get in shape and get to the gym more. Hubs goal is to lose weight and get in shape. My goal is to get in shape and *fingers crossed* that helps me get pregnant. (But if not, I’ll still be ok).

I came up with my other resolution just a few days ago. I want to start a conversation about Clinical Depression. I suffered with my depression HARD this year and yet no one knows. Those of us with clinical depression feel ashamed of it and like we can’t share about it because people are so quick to say “well just DON’T be depressed”. I wish it was that simple. It’s the same as people saying “well just relax and you’ll get pregnant”. Wow, I didn’t know RELAXING could fix PCOS and unexplained infertility why didn’t my doctor tell me?

I want to use this blog to talk more about clinical depression. This year I *almost* went back on anti-depressants, something I haven’t been on in 8 years. I fought my depression back EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. and no one knew. Because I was ASHAMED. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a DISEASE. I literally cannot help it. Yes, I can fight it. But I cannot ever make it completely go away. I cannot make it not be a part of me.

So, I want to be more open about my depression this year. It is a part of me. It is a part of me I fight, a part of me that overtakes me sometimes. Unfortunately, it will never go away. But I’m done being ashamed of it. I’m done hiding it. I’m not going to make up excuses for why I feel the way I do anymore. If someone wants to come over and I’m feeling depressed, I’m just going to say “hey, my depression is bad right now but let’s try for another time”. I’m not going to make up other excuses because my depression is REAL. It’s hard.

But I make it through. I fight it off. I use meditation and quotes to calm my brain. I will go more in depth about the things I do to fight my depression back. I will share more about when things are bad and when things are good.

The most important thing I do: give everything to God. When I don’t think I can handle another second, I simply pray for strength to handle what I can and for God to take what I can’t handle. He knows everything we can handle. He knows I am STRONG enough to fight clinical depression or He wouldn’t have given it to me.

You are strong enough to fight whatever demons are going on in your life.

xoxo

nikki