Posted in Adoption, Life

Rambling

I have so many feelings lately that I just don’t even know what to write. I want to be positive because I feel like so many of my blogs are negative but truth be told, I only feel negative lately.

I received a card yesterday from my biological father that just made me angry again. Which in turn made me even angrier at myself because I have worked really hard the last month to start getting past what he’s done to me in the past year. And the card was stupid and he didn’t apologize for anything instead tried to make himself the good guy and tell me everything was going to be okay. He also wrote “I wish I could take your pain away”, um, if you wished that, how about you stop being part of the pain???

He wrote about how the last 6 months must have been hard on me and he wrote about the boys, things that he had no clue about because he was never involved. He writes things like “I hope you always have happy memories of your boys”…uhh we have some but a lot of them are not good memories and also they ARE NOT OUR BOYS, if they were they would STILL BE HERE. He wrote things that make no sense to our situation. But I guess it does make sense because he was NEVER involved with them at all. He didn’t even meet them, skype with them, call them, he has no idea what they look like other than a few photos i texted him. (Because I wanted to text them, not because he ever asked for photos, because he didn’t ever ask).

I really want a new start. I want to just start over somewhere new. Where all these memories won’t haunt me every day. Where I won’t see the boys when I look outside. Where I won’t remember that “they did this there” or “they did that here”. I want to purge my house of anything that reminds me of them.

And then I don’t. I want to remember when they “did this there” or “did that here”. I want to see pictures of them. I want to remember them.

There are times when I look outside and just remember. Remember blowing bubbles with them, remember teaching them how to ride bikes, remember how they would hug me, and say “i love you”. Remember how they would call me “mom”.

I honestly cannot believe that it has been 6 months that they’ve been gone. Honestly, they have now been gone twice as long as they were here. Is that really right? Yeah. I can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. It doesn’t feel like we’ve gone through all the big holidays without them. It just doesn’t feel right sometimes.

I feel like I’m living my life without really living it. Does anyone feel like that? It’s like you know you’re living your life. You do your daily things. You know you’re doing them but you’re just going through the motions. Sometimes I feel like my life stopped the day the boys left and even though time is going on, I’m not. I’m stuck in that day that they left and my world turned on its side. And I realized I may never have kids or be a mom. I want to move forward but I can’t. It’s like I’m stuck. And I don’t know how to get past this. It’s been six months and to me it feels like it was yesterday. The only reason why I know it’s been that long is because of the weather. If the weather was still 80 degrees, I would think time had just stopped.

I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I feel like a need a new start. A new place, just a start over. (with my husband and dogs of course).

I just don’t know.

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Adoption

A Year Ago

This past weekend was a little hard. A year ago THIS weekend we were meeting the boys for the first time.

I remember:

Seeing them in person for the very first time. It was raining and we followed the social worker to their school. She went in and brought them out and I remember thinking “oh they’re so small and so cute”.

Having lunch with them and all the caseworkers. Q was so shy and D had so many questions. I picked at my lunch and hubs couldn’t even eat anything.

Picking them up from their foster home and them hugging us. Taking them to the park and just playing. Taking them back to their hotel room and them curling up next to me.

How quickly they called us “Mom and Dad”. I remember being so excited the first time D said “Where’s Dad?” and realizing that was hubs.

Leaving them at school and Q saying “I can’t wait to tell my friends I got new parents.”

 

A year ago, I had no idea everything we would go through. I had no idea that D would run away from us or that he wouldn’t want to live with us. We bonded so quickly that I didn’t think things would go so terribly wrong.

Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m sad. I know we made the right choice. I am happy with life as it is right now. I guess looking back at how happy we were makes me a little sad. I know that I may never have children. They were our chance at children and it didn’t work out. That just makes me a little sad.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

A Year Ago

I honestly cannot believe that a year ago we were just finding out that we were chosen as adoptive parents to two boys. And now here we are, a year later, just the two of us (and our two furbabies).

I don’t need to say this but this whole adoption process went nothing like how I expected it. If you’d told me a year ago that D was going to be a nightmare and we were going to have to disrupt, I would have said no way. I would have said there was NOTHING they could do to make me send them back. I would have said that I was going to put my whole heart and soul into making this adoption work.

The “funny” thing is that I did. I poured my whole heart and soul into the boys. I went to therapy to try to help them. I spent hours crying to my husband and on the phone crying to my mom trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Nothing. There was nothing I did wrong. There was nothing I could do. Love is just not enough. Love cannot fix trauma. Love could not give D what he wanted more than anything, to move back to his birth state.

It just wasn’t meant to be and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Going through the adoption training they tell you it’s going to be hard but no one can tell you HOW HARD it really is. We tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried. We didn’t send him back the first time he ran away or the second or the third. We kept trying. We kept trying to make him plant roots and you just can’t do that. You can’t force someone to be happy or stay somewhere they don’t want to.

What if we had adopted from our own state? I’ve asked myself this question before. Honestly, I don’t know the answer. What if we had only adopted one child? There are questions, things we could have done differently before being chosen for those boys. There are decisions we made that if we’d made them differently we never would have been chosen. We actually did inquire about a child in our home state and we never heard back about him. What if we had heard back? What if we had adopted from our state? What if we had only adopted one child? What if we had adopted a girl? The questions could go on and on. In my heart, I know the boys were supposed to be here those few months. They were part of our story. They were a chapter in our book. If not, God would have led us in a different direction but He didn’t. He led us in this direction.

All I do know is that we are done with adoption. I can’t emotionally go through it again. I know, I know, “it’s not about you” “these kids need homes”. That’s fine if that’s how you feel. You weren’t in my shoes. You don’t understand. No one can truly understand how we feel. No one else was here. No one else took the abuse from D. I know how much I can and cannot take. I know in my heart that I cannot go through the adoption process again.

God KNOWS what He’s doing, guys. All we have to do is have faith in Him. He will lead us in the direction we need to go.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption, Depression, Happiness

Thank YOU!

A huge thank you to those who have liked my posts lately! I appreciate so many of you reading and liking my words. My whole goal for this blog lately was just to get the word out about adoption disruption. Going into this I just wanted one person to feel that they are not alone and now I’ve got multiple likes!

Whether you come for my DIY posts, adoption disruption posts, or another reason, thanks for reading!

This year has been hard. From trying to get the boys out here, to having them here, to having them leave, this year has been a rough one. All I’m trying to do is share my story so that someone else doesn’t feel alone. That they know what they are going through is normal and there is someone else out there that knows what you’re going through.

Adoption is HARD. From the classes, the training, the home study, FBI background checks and SO MUCH paperwork to meeting your possible kids to getting them and realizing WOAH we are not prepared for this. If you have made the decision to disrupt and felt relived about it (you are NOT ALONE). That is how I KNEW we were making the right decision by how much relief we felt about them going. You can’t live in hell. Not even if caseworkers want you to. You deserve to be happy.

So wherever you are in your life, whether you’re single, married, have kids, don’t have kids, as long as you are happy in your life, that’s all that matters. And if you’re not happy, I encourage you to make whatever change you need to in order to be happy.

Living with clinical depression, I understand how hard it can be to be happy. So when you find that situation where you are happy, go for it.

 

At the end of the day, we only get one life. And we have no idea how long that life will be or where it will take us. So hold on to anything that makes you happy.

That’s my Christmas wish for all of you. That you will be happy. And do what makes you happy.

Here’s two pictures of somebody that makes me very happy! One of my furbabies! He likes to curl up next to me and I like to take tons of pics until he gets annoyed!

IMG_6974IMG_6977

Look at that stink eye!! Is that not the most adorable thing?!?!

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

A Year

A little over a year ago (October to be exact-ish) we inquired about the boys for the first time. What a year it’s been.

We inquired about them in October. Didn’t hear anything until November when we were told they were “taking us to the HART meeting in December”. But first they had to try to find a family in state. They did a Wednesday child on the kids.  The HART meeting was pushed back to January. We waited. And waited. And waited. FINALLY: WE WERE CHOSEN.  Happiness. Tears. Happiness.

We immediately flew out two weeks later to meet them for the first time. The moment I saw them, I cried. They were so small and cute. We had lunch the first day, then just hung out with them the next couple days (I’m not going to go into details but if you want to read about it, there’s a blog back in Jan or Feb. where I detailed our first trip). Our hotel room was robbed and we went home with no stuff but lots of memories.

We were told the paperwork wouldn’t take long. A couple weeks. But their caseworker put in a request to send them to visit us “just in case”. The paperwork took forever and they came out to visit in March for a week. It was a crazy, wonderful week. Then they went back.

“Paperwork shouldn’t take too much longer.” Yeah, right. 2 1/2 months AFTER they came to visit (so 5 MONTHS after we were chosen) the paperwork finally came through. After a lot of snags, thinking we were going to have to have our fingerprints and home study redone (yeah that really happened)! And what seemed like forever, they were finally coming home.

THEY WERE HERE! And we were over the moon happy. We were overjoyed, overwhelmed, crazy. Every second was new. We jumped in with both feet. We freaked out (mostly me). We cried. We celebrated. We laughed. We gave those kids every thing we could, everything we had. They meet the rest of our family (their new family). Q LOVED GRANDPA. Literally, I have never seen a child connect with someone that quickly. He followed him around everywhere. He listened to everything Grandpa said. He quoted Grandpa when Grandpa wasn’t around. He had just met him and he LOVED him. I literally cannot explain how much he loved him.

We put them in sports camp so they could be around other kids. We went to therapy every week. We taught them how to ride bikes. We played basketball. We played video games. We celebrated my birthday. My first birthday with kids.

It was right after my birthday that things started going downhill fast with D. We’d been struggling with his behavior but after that event it got way worse way fast. He’d already run away once but after my birthday he ran away twice more. He just looked at us and walked out the front door. He refused to go to the dentist and there was nothing we could do about it.

One day he came up to us and said, very calmly,  “Will you buy me a plane ticket? I want to go home.” We were stunned. Our caseworkers told us it was normal but I didn’t believe that. See, when I was ten my parents moved us to Idaho and I was miserable. Hated school, hated living there, begged everyday to go home to Colorado. I NEVER got used to it. I was miserable until we moved back. So, I saw the truth in his statement. I realized that some of his acting out was because he was miserable and he was NEVER going to get used to it out here. He was refusing to put down roots and if he wouldn’t put down roots then it would never work. He would never be happy out here. (This was only PART of our decision. There were behaviors that we couldn’t deal with and there was my mental health we had to consider as well).

Making that decision wasn’t easy but as soon as it was made, the relief washed over us. Relief that we were doing the right thing, relief that God was with us, and relief that we were all going to be all right.

What a year it’s been! You know how people will say “I can’t wait to see 2017 go, 2018’s going to be my year” or something like that? I’ve never been a person who says “Good Riddance” to a year. There’s always something I’ve learned or something that’s been good about that year.

This is the first year I can ever remember saying to myself “I’ll be glad to see this year go.” Mostly because it didn’t turn out how I wanted. This was SO NOT the way I saw this year going. This was supposed to be my first holidays with kids, FINALLY. And it’s not.

It has been a REALLY long year. I can’t really believe all that we’ve gone through in the last year. It seems like it should be longer than just one year. But nope, just in one short year we’ve been through all the above.

Well, I’ve rambled on long enough and don’t really have a good ending to this blog today.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

Snappy

Do you ever find yourself snapping at people you love for very minor reasons?

The last couple days I’ve found myself having a VERY short temper with my husband. Something as simple as him not taking out the trash has left me moody and upset.

I ALWAYS get like this when something is bothering me subconsciously. I’ve been trying to be better about catching my moods and meditating to figure out what is going on.

Today (of all days) I finally figured it out. Why I’ve been snappy all week. Today is Q’s birthday. Back in August, when he was still here, he and I were already planning his birthday. He was SO EXCITED. We would look at the calendar almost every day to see when his birthday was. He wanted a Spider-Man cake, and when I asked him what flavor, his answer was always Spider-Man! He also wanted web shooters and would come up to you at any random time and tell you about what he was going to do with the web shooters he was getting for his birthday!

I had a Pinterest board (deleted now) dedicated to his birthday. I was really, really excited (probably as much as him) to plan my first children’s birthday party!

It hurts. I know that time heals things and some things take A LOT of time. For the most part, I am doing well. But there are times like this where I feel the loss. Those boys were part of a future that I had planned out.

And I know, I know we did what was best for everyone. But, man, if things had been different. If attitudes and behaviors had been different. If we had been told about certain things. I can’t change the past. And yeah, there’s no use thinking or focusing on it. But there are just certain times when it hits me. And I can’t not think about it.

It’s only been two and a half months! It feels so much longer. They were here longer than they’ve been gone!

I hope. I hope that Q is having a wonderful birthday. I hope that he is being celebrated. I hope that D is not overshadowing him, as he always does. I hope that his foster family has done something for his birthday. I wish I could be there for him. I wish I could make sure he gets those web shooters he wants so badly.

If the state would have split them up, we would have kept Q. And honestly, he needs to be separated. D overshadows and bosses him around WAY TOO MUCH. Q would have done so much better on his own. But what the state says, goes and there’s no point to fighting.

All I can do is pray that Q is taken care of, happy, and standing up to D.

And I pray for strength for myself and my husband.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

Not the Bad Guys

When you say “oh, we disrupted our adoption”, people of course automatically judge you. “You gave up on those kids.” “You should have held out.” “Don’t you know what those kids have gone through?” “How could you do that to them?” “Didn’t you know what you were getting yourself into?” “Parenting isn’t easy.” “Parenting biological children is just as difficult.” And so on and so on.

Call me the bad guy if it makes you feel better. We are 1000% positive that we did the right thing. It was a bad, negative situation for all involved. I could share our story over and over again but I’ve come to realize that unless you were living it with us, you’ll never 100% understand.

But, just because we disrupted DOES NOT MEAN that we don’t love those kids anymore. We do love them. We would love to know that they are okay. We would love to know what they are doing. We would have loved to keep in touch with them. See, here’s the thing that gets missed: THEY WERE HAPPY TO GO BACK TO THEIR HOME STATE. THEY WANTED TO GO BACK. You should have seen this kid do cartwheels when we told him.

But, alas, we are the bad guys. We are the ones who “gave up on them”. We are the ones who sent them back because “we couldn’t handle it” (not because it was WHAT THEY WANTED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD).

But, truly what makes me the most upset, or the reason why I’m writing this is because we sent an email to their caseworker just asking how they were doing and got NO response back. Why do they think we are the bad guys? Why will they not understand that this was what the kids wanted? Why are they so angry that they have to do their jobs?

If anything, they are the bad guys. They are robbing these kids of having any communication/relationship with us. We NEVER stopped loving them. It breaks my heart to think that these kids think we don’t want anything to do with them. Their caseworkers won’t let us have communication with them but yet I’m sure they are telling the kids that we didn’t want them and that we don’t want any communication with them. It hurts my heart and makes me angry. I want these kids to know that we gave them what they wanted, WE were the ones who listened to them when no one else would. WE LOVED THEM.  We want only good, wonderful things for them. I hate that their picture of us is tainted by caseworkers who won’t listen and only see the worst in people.

Why do caseworkers think we don’t deserve to, at least, know that these kids are doing alright? (Honestly, I don’t think they’re telling us because the kids are doing well and they refuse to admit that they were wrong.) We are NOT just a home, we are people with FEELINGS and we loved those kids. We lived with them for 3 months. We care about them. We just want to know how they are doing.

Am I angry-sounding? Because, honestly, I am really trying to let this anger go but it just makes me SO MAD when I think about the fact that they are telling the boys that we didn’t want them because IT’S NOT TRUE. We wanted them and we tried everything to make them happy here but they weren’t and I wasn’t going to be the one who kept them somewhere they were unhappy. I am not a caseworker. I actually listen to kids.

I don’t know how long it will take me to get past this anger at the caseworkers, system and adoption agencies. I don’t think about it a lot. I try to not let it affect my day. But I just don’t know how to let this anger go.

Any tips would be helpful.

xoxo

nikki