Posted in DIY

Guest Room Makeover

Today I’m here with a crafty blog! With most of my family coming here this year for Christmas, it was time to finish the guest room. (We’ll have to find places to put air mattress for 3 of them, but at least my mom and step-dad will have an actual bed!)

The guest room used to be my craft room, then it was the guest room when the boys shared a room, then it was D’s room, and now it’s back to a guest room!

Here’s the before:

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BORING!

I really love color on the walls. Almost every room in our house has one wall painted, I like accent walls. I think they make more of a statement than painting every wall. I’m also AWFUL at deciding on a color. When we went to pick out this color, I realized I’m WAY more picky than I thought. I didn’t want to do purple, teal, green, or blue because those colors are already in the house. I didn’t even realize I cared until we were picking out colors! My sweet husband was like “but some of those colors are downstairs and this is upstairs” and I was like “it doesn’t matter! i don’t want the same color used in the house twice”. So, anyways, we finally settled on the color he picked out, because he is just amazing at finding the right color! When I was painting the wall, though, I was like “ahh i don’t know if I like this” but after two coats I LOVED it.

Here it is:

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You’ll notice that I don’t tape the ceiling. I have a really hard time taping it, so I just VERY CAREFULLY use the edger to do the ceiling. As long as you take your time and don’t put too much paint on the edger, you’ll do just fine! Also, I’m not a professional so my lines are not perfect but that doesn’t bother me. If it bothers you, then I would probably suggest taping the ceiling.

The color is Behr’s Blazing Autumn from Hope Depot. It makes a statement but is also more subdued and makes the guest room feel comfortable instead of having a bright color screaming at guests!

Another important thing to note is that I painted this over a tan wall, not a white wall. Our whole house was painted tan when we moved in. On a whiter wall, this color may be brighter than it is here. Or not, I’m not really sure if that makes a difference but thought I’d note it anyway!

I think I also like accent walls because then I really only have to decorate one wall!

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The “Be Our Guest” is individual wood letters I bought at Hobby Lobby and painted teal.

Sidenote: I LOVE to shop Home Depot’s “Oops” Paints. They are usually located beneath the paint counter. Most of them are sample paints and are .50 each. (Sometimes they’ll have a gallon, that’s actually where we found our living room color! I think it was about $15, it was normally a $30 gallon of paint.) I have SO MANY of them and keep buying them every time I go and see a color I don’t have! I love them because they are so much bigger than the craft paints I buy from Hobby Lobby, they are cheaper, and I don’t have to use as many coats when I’m painting something.

I love this next idea:

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I used the tracing pens with my Silhouette to make this one. Sometimes the lighter colors, like the orange “Welcome” don’t trace completely so I’ll take a sharpie and trace over it and then color it in. A little time consuming, yes, but it looks great!

When I was painting the wall, I realized it reminded me of the desert, so while the first coat was drying, I went and created this:

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I’m actually super proud of this, even though it looks amateur (it is amateur!). It is the first painting I’ve EVER DONE that is completely hand drawn by me! I usually use my Silhouette to cut out silhouettes that I will trace so that everything is perfect. But on this, I just hand drew everything! It is so not perfect but that’s what I love about it. It’s the first thing I’m letting my perfectionism go on!

And our guest room is finished and ready for family to come visit for Christmas!

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Uncategorized

I Worry

I’ve always been a worrier, a stresser. I like to know exactly how things are going to be. The little things worry me, hence why I’ve been reading the book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”.

My family knows I stress about everything. Then I went to the eye doctor and he asked me “Do you stress a lot? Because your pupils are REALLY dilated and that usually happens to people who stress a lot.” Huh. Did not know that. So I’ve been trying to relax more. Let things go. I’m not great at it yet. But there is one specific thing that I wanted to blog about today so let’s stop the rambling and get to it.

I worry that all I seem to blog about is the adoption/adoption disruption. I don’t know if it’s healthy to keep talking about it. To keep reliving it so often. But then again, it was a HUGE part of my life over the last year. I know it’s going to take time but I wonder if I need to stop talking about it. Stop blogging about it. But if I do, I’m not sure what I would blog about. I’m sure I could find something. But at the same time, I don’t think I want to stop blogging about it. This is my outlet.

I think it all comes down to the fact that I want to be over it. I want to let it go and yet I don’t want to let it go. I want to go back to the person I was before this all started. That “naive, everything will work out” girl. The “adoption is beautiful, adoption is wonderful, everyone should adopt” girl. I used to talk about adoption. I used to tell people that it was what I wanted to do. Now all I want to do is warn people about adoption. Especially foster care adoption. Now all I want to do is tell people that “adoption is hard, adoption is not worth it” and sometimes “adoption sucks”. Now keep in mind that this is all coming from a dark place inside me. For some, adoption is beautiful and awesome. For us, that wasn’t the case. My experience may not be yours. I would never want to talk someone out of adopting if that’s what they really wanted to do. I just want people to be more aware of how difficult it is. How alone you really will be. Caseworkers say they will be there but they won’t. YOU WILL BE ON YOUR OWN. You will have to figure out behaviors by yourself. THERE IS NO HELP.

For the time being, I will still be blogging about adoption and adoption disruption. I still feel like I have a lot to say. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to move on. I’ll try to maybe throw in some other blogs about crafts and stuff. And maybe one day this blog will move away from adoption disruption but for right now I’m not done talking about it. I don’t know if that’s harmful to my healing to keep talking about it or if it’s helpful to get it all out. The verdict is still out.

All I know is every time I sit down to write, I just start writing about the boys and the adoption and the disruption. There is so much in me I want to talk about but I do better writing it than trying to talk to someone.

And God bless my family, they have been amazing but everyone avoids talking about the boys. I think they think I don’t want to talk about, which is so sweet but also makes me feel pretty alone. I have this place and honestly, I think I’d rather just put my thoughts out into the world of strangers than talk about them with people I know. I’m just not ready for that. I need to sort out my feelings still. I still feel a lot of anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, joy, fear, and so much more.

thanks for reading my ramblings today.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

A Year

A little over a year ago (October to be exact-ish) we inquired about the boys for the first time. What a year it’s been.

We inquired about them in October. Didn’t hear anything until November when we were told they were “taking us to the HART meeting in December”. But first they had to try to find a family in state. They did a Wednesday child on the kids.  The HART meeting was pushed back to January. We waited. And waited. And waited. FINALLY: WE WERE CHOSEN.  Happiness. Tears. Happiness.

We immediately flew out two weeks later to meet them for the first time. The moment I saw them, I cried. They were so small and cute. We had lunch the first day, then just hung out with them the next couple days (I’m not going to go into details but if you want to read about it, there’s a blog back in Jan or Feb. where I detailed our first trip). Our hotel room was robbed and we went home with no stuff but lots of memories.

We were told the paperwork wouldn’t take long. A couple weeks. But their caseworker put in a request to send them to visit us “just in case”. The paperwork took forever and they came out to visit in March for a week. It was a crazy, wonderful week. Then they went back.

“Paperwork shouldn’t take too much longer.” Yeah, right. 2 1/2 months AFTER they came to visit (so 5 MONTHS after we were chosen) the paperwork finally came through. After a lot of snags, thinking we were going to have to have our fingerprints and home study redone (yeah that really happened)! And what seemed like forever, they were finally coming home.

THEY WERE HERE! And we were over the moon happy. We were overjoyed, overwhelmed, crazy. Every second was new. We jumped in with both feet. We freaked out (mostly me). We cried. We celebrated. We laughed. We gave those kids every thing we could, everything we had. They meet the rest of our family (their new family). Q LOVED GRANDPA. Literally, I have never seen a child connect with someone that quickly. He followed him around everywhere. He listened to everything Grandpa said. He quoted Grandpa when Grandpa wasn’t around. He had just met him and he LOVED him. I literally cannot explain how much he loved him.

We put them in sports camp so they could be around other kids. We went to therapy every week. We taught them how to ride bikes. We played basketball. We played video games. We celebrated my birthday. My first birthday with kids.

It was right after my birthday that things started going downhill fast with D. We’d been struggling with his behavior but after that event it got way worse way fast. He’d already run away once but after my birthday he ran away twice more. He just looked at us and walked out the front door. He refused to go to the dentist and there was nothing we could do about it.

One day he came up to us and said, very calmly,  “Will you buy me a plane ticket? I want to go home.” We were stunned. Our caseworkers told us it was normal but I didn’t believe that. See, when I was ten my parents moved us to Idaho and I was miserable. Hated school, hated living there, begged everyday to go home to Colorado. I NEVER got used to it. I was miserable until we moved back. So, I saw the truth in his statement. I realized that some of his acting out was because he was miserable and he was NEVER going to get used to it out here. He was refusing to put down roots and if he wouldn’t put down roots then it would never work. He would never be happy out here. (This was only PART of our decision. There were behaviors that we couldn’t deal with and there was my mental health we had to consider as well).

Making that decision wasn’t easy but as soon as it was made, the relief washed over us. Relief that we were doing the right thing, relief that God was with us, and relief that we were all going to be all right.

What a year it’s been! You know how people will say “I can’t wait to see 2017 go, 2018’s going to be my year” or something like that? I’ve never been a person who says “Good Riddance” to a year. There’s always something I’ve learned or something that’s been good about that year.

This is the first year I can ever remember saying to myself “I’ll be glad to see this year go.” Mostly because it didn’t turn out how I wanted. This was SO NOT the way I saw this year going. This was supposed to be my first holidays with kids, FINALLY. And it’s not.

It has been a REALLY long year. I can’t really believe all that we’ve gone through in the last year. It seems like it should be longer than just one year. But nope, just in one short year we’ve been through all the above.

Well, I’ve rambled on long enough and don’t really have a good ending to this blog today.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Uncategorized

Favorite Quotes

Today I thought I’d share a couple of my favorite quotes. Quotes often get me through difficult times. In fact I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to them!

Here’s a couple that have gotten me through lately:

How true is this and how easy it is to forget it! God is always there!

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This one simply reminds me that it’s okay to have rough days and break down:

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We will never truly be ready for anything! Just take a deep breath, have faith, and take the leap!

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This one has been one of my favorite quotes for awhile. I don’t know why, I just love it so much.

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Here’s the link to my Favorite Quote Pinterest Board:

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Uncategorized

Regression?

Is it possible to regress when dealing with loss? I hate to use the word loss because I feel like someone dying is a loss, whereas no one died in this situation. What’s a better word to use? Trauma? This situation? I don’t know.

I felt like I was getting used to life again. Getting back into how life was before. Getting set in a routine. Feeling like myself again. Reconnecting with my hubby. Communicating better.

But all of a sudden, I’m just angry and sad again. I’m having dreams about them again. Some are good, some are bad. I’m guessing this is probably normal? It’s hard because there is no one (that I’ve found) to reach out to. No one wants to talk about adoption disruption (unless you’re paying them $100+ an hour). It’s one of those taboo subjects. No one wants to be looked down upon and judged so we just don’t talk about it.

I’m lonely. I WANT to talk about it. I would love to find a chat room or anything with other women who have gone through this.

It’s not that people haven’t been nice to me. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been blessed because I haven’t felt judged, other than by caseworkers. Everyone has been SO NICE about it. We had a long conversation with one of our neighbors who knew about the adoption and she was so sweet and nice about everything. Family and friends, even neighbors, have just been so supportive and sweet. It’s been a blessing.

But yet there is no one in my life who has gone through this situation before. There is no one who can tell me that what I’m feeling and dealing with are normal. There’s no one who can tell me how long this will take. Will I always feel this way? Will I one day forget about the boys? I don’t want to always feel this way but I don’t want to ever forget them either. Is there a middle ground? I feel like I’m changed forever. I can never go back to the person I was in May. I can never go back to that naive, everything’s going to work out, happy to adopt person. I’ve been changed. I’ve been hardened by an awful foster system and uncaring caseworkers.

Honestly, what I want most is to let this go. To move on, as awful as that may sound. As soon as I take two steps forward, I feel like something pulls me back. And it definitely does not help that the holidays are now here. Holidays that I thought were FINALLY going to be our first holidays with kids. We could start our own traditions and continue some traditions from our own childhoods. And this year is not the year. And that hurts too.

The three months they were here seem to be slipping away. They seem like years ago not just two months ago. I am moving on and somehow a part of me doesn’t want to. I want to grab onto those good memories and hold them close because I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids. Those three months might be the only months that anyone will ever call me mom. They might be it. They might be the only memories I have of having kids. As tough and bad as the situation was at times, there were also good times. There were cuddly times, there were two kids calling us mom and dad, there was seeing my husband as a dad, things that I thought may never happen and now they are all gone again. And I don’t know what the future holds. I want to have kids but it’s not up to me. God knows my heart. He knows what I want and He knows what I need. If those two don’t match up, then I pray He gives me what I need and not what I want. He’s proven to me that His plans are better than mine.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

Snappy

Do you ever find yourself snapping at people you love for very minor reasons?

The last couple days I’ve found myself having a VERY short temper with my husband. Something as simple as him not taking out the trash has left me moody and upset.

I ALWAYS get like this when something is bothering me subconsciously. I’ve been trying to be better about catching my moods and meditating to figure out what is going on.

Today (of all days) I finally figured it out. Why I’ve been snappy all week. Today is Q’s birthday. Back in August, when he was still here, he and I were already planning his birthday. He was SO EXCITED. We would look at the calendar almost every day to see when his birthday was. He wanted a Spider-Man cake, and when I asked him what flavor, his answer was always Spider-Man! He also wanted web shooters and would come up to you at any random time and tell you about what he was going to do with the web shooters he was getting for his birthday!

I had a Pinterest board (deleted now) dedicated to his birthday. I was really, really excited (probably as much as him) to plan my first children’s birthday party!

It hurts. I know that time heals things and some things take A LOT of time. For the most part, I am doing well. But there are times like this where I feel the loss. Those boys were part of a future that I had planned out.

And I know, I know we did what was best for everyone. But, man, if things had been different. If attitudes and behaviors had been different. If we had been told about certain things. I can’t change the past. And yeah, there’s no use thinking or focusing on it. But there are just certain times when it hits me. And I can’t not think about it.

It’s only been two and a half months! It feels so much longer. They were here longer than they’ve been gone!

I hope. I hope that Q is having a wonderful birthday. I hope that he is being celebrated. I hope that D is not overshadowing him, as he always does. I hope that his foster family has done something for his birthday. I wish I could be there for him. I wish I could make sure he gets those web shooters he wants so badly.

If the state would have split them up, we would have kept Q. And honestly, he needs to be separated. D overshadows and bosses him around WAY TOO MUCH. Q would have done so much better on his own. But what the state says, goes and there’s no point to fighting.

All I can do is pray that Q is taken care of, happy, and standing up to D.

And I pray for strength for myself and my husband.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Vacation

Vacay Pics

I just found these pics on my phone that I forgot I had taken while on vacay! There was no service at the farm so I didn’t even keep my phone on me! There’s not too many pics but I thought I’d share them anyways!

Beach View! The beach was about a minute walk from our condo.

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Toes in the sand! Oh, it’s been too long!

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The ONLY time I got to sit on the beach! I could have sat here all week! (Excuse my white legs but I live in Colorado!)

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We did get a chance to go to a Manatee viewing site, and were surprised to find out that they had a place where you could pet sting rays! That’s only one of my FAVORITE things to do! These guys were so friendly too! They gave high-fives and swam up the wall to see you!

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I think the sting-ray either came up to see me or gave me a high-five! Pure joy!!

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I had to beg but I FINALLY got to Zaxbys!! I love Zaxbys sooooo much and it’s one of the things I’ve missed the most about the South!

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My bridesmaid dress! Eventually I might get a picture of me even wearing it! I thought I might get cold in it, seeing as it was an outdoor wedding but the weather was so perfect I didn’t even get chilly!

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There’s the pics from my Vacay! If you missed the original post, here’s the link:

https://nikkidoesitall.com/2017/11/17/vacay-2k17/

xoxo

nikki