Posted in Adoption, Life

Rambling

I have so many feelings lately that I just don’t even know what to write. I want to be positive because I feel like so many of my blogs are negative but truth be told, I only feel negative lately.

I received a card yesterday from my biological father that just made me angry again. Which in turn made me even angrier at myself because I have worked really hard the last month to start getting past what he’s done to me in the past year. And the card was stupid and he didn’t apologize for anything instead tried to make himself the good guy and tell me everything was going to be okay. He also wrote “I wish I could take your pain away”, um, if you wished that, how about you stop being part of the pain???

He wrote about how the last 6 months must have been hard on me and he wrote about the boys, things that he had no clue about because he was never involved. He writes things like “I hope you always have happy memories of your boys”…uhh we have some but a lot of them are not good memories and also they ARE NOT OUR BOYS, if they were they would STILL BE HERE. He wrote things that make no sense to our situation. But I guess it does make sense because he was NEVER involved with them at all. He didn’t even meet them, skype with them, call them, he has no idea what they look like other than a few photos i texted him. (Because I wanted to text them, not because he ever asked for photos, because he didn’t ever ask).

I really want a new start. I want to just start over somewhere new. Where all these memories won’t haunt me every day. Where I won’t see the boys when I look outside. Where I won’t remember that “they did this there” or “they did that here”. I want to purge my house of anything that reminds me of them.

And then I don’t. I want to remember when they “did this there” or “did that here”. I want to see pictures of them. I want to remember them.

There are times when I look outside and just remember. Remember blowing bubbles with them, remember teaching them how to ride bikes, remember how they would hug me, and say “i love you”. Remember how they would call me “mom”.

I honestly cannot believe that it has been 6 months that they’ve been gone. Honestly, they have now been gone twice as long as they were here. Is that really right? Yeah. I can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. It doesn’t feel like we’ve gone through all the big holidays without them. It just doesn’t feel right sometimes.

I feel like I’m living my life without really living it. Does anyone feel like that? It’s like you know you’re living your life. You do your daily things. You know you’re doing them but you’re just going through the motions. Sometimes I feel like my life stopped the day the boys left and even though time is going on, I’m not. I’m stuck in that day that they left and my world turned on its side. And I realized I may never have kids or be a mom. I want to move forward but I can’t. It’s like I’m stuck. And I don’t know how to get past this. It’s been six months and to me it feels like it was yesterday. The only reason why I know it’s been that long is because of the weather. If the weather was still 80 degrees, I would think time had just stopped.

I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I feel like a need a new start. A new place, just a start over. (with my husband and dogs of course).

I just don’t know.

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Life

Super Bowl!

It’s Super Bowl Sunday! I don’t really care. I’m not into football. I’ll watch with my hubby but I’m not super into it.

I don’t have much to say today, I just thought it seemed like I needed to post. Life has actually been pretty good lately. The store has been doing well, we’ve been doing well, the doggies are doing well.

I’ve started (when it’s not too cold) going for my walks in the morning after I wake up  and I really think it’s helping. It gives me about 20-30 minutes to just be outside and work through anything that may be bothering me.

I’m really thankful January is over. It was a rough month remembering what we were going through last year. Last February we were just waiting so there’s no real big hurdles to get past. March, I think will be more difficult because that’s when the boys came for their visit. But let’s enjoy February first!

I am going on a two week trip with my Mom and Grandma in a couple weeks so I am very excited about that too! Vacations are ALWAYS nice!! One of the places we are going is warm so I am really looking forward to that! I’m so sick of the cold!

And apparently the Super Bowl is already started! That just tells you how much interest I have in it!

I’m also trying to figure out next life moves. I just know I can’t keep going on like this. There’s gotta be more for my life than what I’m doing now. It sounds confusing and it is but I just feel like I’m stuck, like I’m standing still and I need to move again. I need to get started, get going.

Of course, I am still (and may always be) fighting back the emotional abuse I was put through as a child. It really affected me more than I knew. I never realized that the fact that I always feel like a failure or that I feel like I will never succeed or be good at anything stems from that abuse. Not to mention, my father called me a couple weeks ago and I didn’t answer and he never texted or called again. I don’t want him to think everything’s ok between us because it’s not. I’m not going to sweep all this under the rug and just forgive him when he hasn’t even tried to apologize. (Which is something I have done in the past). I will forgive him one day but that day is not right now. I’m still reeling from everything he did in the past year and now from things in my childhood. I’m feeling a lot of anger towards him, which is understandable, and hurt and frustration. I’m trying to realize that I can do hard things.

At the end of the day, I just want to live a life I’m proud of. So that’s what I’m striving towards.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Uncategorized

Email

Today this email popped up on my phone:

Just a simple friendly reminder of D’s birthday.

But it hurt me to my core. Added to the fact that,yes, D’s birthday did pop up as a reminder from my calendar because it got overlooked when we were deleting things.

It hurts, you guys. It just hurts. I’m not okay and I’m wondering will I ever be ok? I know we made the right decision. D didn’t want to stay here and when an 8 year old asks you for a plane ticket to move home and talks about moving home every. single. day. you finally give him what he wants. I pray that he and Q are happy. That’s all I want for them.

It’s all I want for me too. I just want to be happy and over this and it just keeps hurting me. We were so excited last year. We wanted this. We wanted them. We wanted kids.

I just can’t believe it sometimes. That this year is so much different from last year. We have no contact with them. We don’t know how or what they are doing. We don’t facetime with them. They don’t ask to see their room or the dogs or tell us they love us. We don’t get to tell them we love them or buy books for them or play video games with them. We listened to what D wanted and somehow I feel like the caseworkers are punishing us. Just because we listened and followed through on what he wanted, we don’t get to have any contact? Or even just know that they are doing well? (its not fair!!!!)

I could go on and on about the things that are different but I won’t. Because it all boils down to one thing: last year we were preparing to have two boys and this year we don’t have them.

I hate that it went wrong. I hate that we were lied to by caseworkers. I hate that they moved D here when they shouldn’t have, it wasn’t what he wanted!!! I hate that kids in the foster system have no choices. Mostly I just hate that they aren’t here.

I’m not ok and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really, really struggling. I want to crawl in my bed and never come out.

I don’t know what to do. But I know I’ll just keep keeping on. I’ll keep believing in God. I’ll keep having faith in His plan. I’ll trust in Him.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Life

Fears & This Is Us

Hello! This post contains *SPOILERS* for the tv show, This Is Us. You’ve been warned.

 

 

Although, I don’t see how there could be any spoilers for This Is Us. We’ve known Jack’s dead since season 1 and we knew it was a fire since the beginning of Season 2. Anyways…

I’ve found that writing my fears and doubts out here helps to get them out of my head. And last night I could not sleep after watching This Is Us. I have TWO major fears: 1.) SNAKES (i cannot stand snakes, i scream like a little girl if i see one) and 2.) FIRE, I don’t know why but I am a huge worrier about fire, I unplug all my appliances, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and run downstairs to make sure my oven is off. So, last nights This Is Us didn’t do me any favors. Thankfully, they didn’t have snakes too or I never would have slept!

I love the show, I do. I really LOVE that Sterling K. Brown keeps winning awards for it :)! I like how they dive into issues. I was actually pleasantly surprised how they portrayed Foster Care. Although it wasn’t 100% realistic, I’d give them about 65% realistic mostly because kids just don’t acclimate that quickly and I also feel like she would have thrown a bigger fit about not being able to see her mom in prison.

But last night’s episode completely threw me. It was one of my BIGGEST FEARS. A tiny, old kitchen appliance starting a HUGE fire and the fire detectors not working?!?! I could not sleep. That fire was HUGE. I would fall asleep and then it would seep into my dreams and I would wake right back up. I know it’s a tv show but I also know it’s a reality that happens. Thanks, This Is Us.

Although, it’s not that just. I’m currently peeling back the onion that is my relationship with my own biological father and my emotions are pretty raw right now. I’m dealing with the reality that I was emotionally and mentally abused. My mom has shared a memory with me that showcases that abuse and while I should have memory of it because I was nine years old when it happened, I have memories of that time but just not of this one situation. (I’m not quite ready to share the situation yet but I hope to share it with you one day). So I have realized that there were needs that were not met by my biological father and that has caused me a lot of trauma that I didn’t know about. There are incidents apparently that were so traumatic to me my brain has hidden memory of them.  So, to bring this full circle, watching This Is Us and how their father loved them so much has only highlighted how my own father didn’t care about me. And that makes me feel even sadder that they lost him and I still have mine who doesn’t care about me.

I really wanted to have that kind of relationship with my father. I wanted him to be proud of me. I just wanted him to love me. Jack loved his kids. He loved them no matter what they did. I’ve never had that from my father.

Wow. Okay. I guess I didn’t realize that last nights episode was more about Jack’s relationship with his kids than the fire. This is why I love this blog. Somehow typing it all out helps me get my thoughts out and helps me figure out what I’m really dealing with.

Although fire still does scare me, we have plenty of fire alarms, we are very good about unplugging appliances and our husky hates the sound of the fire alarms so I know he would get us up if he heard them.

My husband lost his mother when he was 21, they were incredibly close and so This Is Us hits him too. There have been times when I have wondered “why did he lose his mom, who he was so close too, and my father who has abused me and wants nothing to do with me is still alive? where’s the fairness?” I’d rather he had his mother than I have my father. It just doesn’t seem right. Even though This Is Us is a tv show, I say the same thing to myself “why did they lose their father who loved them so much and I still have my father who doesn’t care to be in my life?” I’d trade with them too. And maybe that’s not right but it’s how I feel. You have to realize that my father has never tried with me but he’s been there for my brother and my ex-step-sister, he really loved her. He was there for her, for every school event, took care of her when she was sick and reached out to her after he divorced her mother. He wanted to have a relationship with her, he tried with her. He never tried with me, the relationship we did have was all because I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried. So you’ll have to excuse me if I feel like I would rather my husband’s mother be here with us than my biological father.

I’m hurting right now. I’m in a very emotionally raw place. Finally realizing that a lot of my mentality about failing and disappointing people all has to do with my biological father has left me raw and easily hurt. I wish he would have supported me like Jack. I wish he would have loved me. I wish he would have been different. But I have to deal with the reality in front of me.

I have no good way to end this post today. This Is Us, I love you but last night’s episode was rough.

stay strong.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Life

I choose

Whenever approaching something new, I look at it as hard or too difficult. I choose to look at things this way because that way when I do fail at them, it’s not a surprise.

I have chosen to live most of my life this way. Just already embracing that I am going to fail at everything I try. I’ve been jealous of people who seem so “happy-go-lucky”, never thinking that I could live that way too. I blame a lot of it on my depression but what it its not? What if it’s just my mindset?

My husband asked me the other day, what was the most hurtful thing my biological father ever did to me? Without missing a beat, I answered “when I was ten years old and he told me he hated me”. True story. I was ten and I was mad and I told him I hated him, like a normal ten year old, and he looked right at me and said “I hate you too”. I honestly feel like a parent should NEVER say that to their child even if their child says it. After that, I couldn’t do anything to earn my father’s love. And I’ve been trying and trying and trying and failing and failing and failing. And that failure has just seeped into my life. It’s permeated every inch of my being and my thoughts. Every time I look at something, I immediately think of how I will fail at it. I never look at anything and think about how I can succeed at it.

For Christmas, my father came to my home to pick up my brother and his wife. He hadn’t been at my home for more than a year and he commented on how my kitchen looked. Now, I spent days peeling wallpaper and painting and months making all the decorations, he commented that it looked good and asked how I got the wallpaper off. I told him “oh i rented a steamer from Home Depot..” he cut me off with “oh so you took the easy way out”. No, I still spent hours peeling it off, it was just a little easier with the steamer. That is how our whole relationship has been. He has always complimented me with also making me feel bad (does that makes sense?).

Some of my depression also steams from our relationship. When I finally spoke about my dark thoughts, part of me thought he would reach out and he would want to be a part of my life again. Wrong. He shipped me off to therapy and complained to my mom about the cost.

I’m finally realizing that I am not a failure. I’m not a failure in my life just because my father doesn’t want me in his. There is/was nothing I could do to make him love me. To make him want me. Just because he is my biological father doesn’t mean I need him in my life. I don’t need to be accepted by him.

I’m changing my mindset. I want to approach things with the attitude that “I CAN DO THIS”. And if I happen to fail, okay, but I don’t want to go into things with the attitude that I’m a failure. I’m not. One person in my life has had control over me for too long. I’m breaking free.

Will it be easy? No, I know it won’t. I’ve been living with this hanging over my head for almost 20 years. I can’t break it in a day. But now that I’m aware, I will break free. I will be successful.

I AM NOT A FAILURE. AND NEITHER ARE YOU. (whatever you may be struggling with, whether it’s similar to my story or completely different, you can beat it. you are not a failure. you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.)

xoxo

nikki

 

Posted in Clinical Depression

Exercise?

Starting in January, I started working out with a personal trainer. Hubs and I both want to get healthier and in better shape so we decided training with a personal trainer would keep us both accountable. We’ve joined many gyms in the past, went for maybe two months and then stopped going. We need somebody to hold us accountable.

Ok, working with a personal trainer is AWESOME! The workouts he gives me are personalized and after just two weeks, I am feeling much stronger!

But that’s not what this post is about.

The past couple weeks I have had days where I AM HAPPY FOR NO REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is HUGE for me!! I have not felt like this in maybe ever. I have been happy before but there is always a reason why I am happy. I never wake up and am just like “I’m happy with life”.

BUT! I have had a couple days last week where I have woken up and just BEEN HAPPY! I remember thinking “is this what normal people feel like all the time? is this what my husband feels like?” It is AWESOME! You are just HAPPY for NO REASON WHATSOEVER! I was just happy that I was alive and I have an amazing husband and sweet fur-babies, and a business.

Honestly, if you’ve never suffered with depression then this whole post may make no sense to you and that’s okay. I can’t really explain it very well to people who don’t live with depression.

Anyway, I think the key may be exercise! “Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy and happy people just don’t kill their husbands” (Legally Blonde).

I’m going to keep at my exercising and keep you updated! Exercise may not be “the cure” for everyone but if it helps me be happy then I’ll keep going!

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

A Year Ago

This past weekend was a little hard. A year ago THIS weekend we were meeting the boys for the first time.

I remember:

Seeing them in person for the very first time. It was raining and we followed the social worker to their school. She went in and brought them out and I remember thinking “oh they’re so small and so cute”.

Having lunch with them and all the caseworkers. Q was so shy and D had so many questions. I picked at my lunch and hubs couldn’t even eat anything.

Picking them up from their foster home and them hugging us. Taking them to the park and just playing. Taking them back to their hotel room and them curling up next to me.

How quickly they called us “Mom and Dad”. I remember being so excited the first time D said “Where’s Dad?” and realizing that was hubs.

Leaving them at school and Q saying “I can’t wait to tell my friends I got new parents.”

 

A year ago, I had no idea everything we would go through. I had no idea that D would run away from us or that he wouldn’t want to live with us. We bonded so quickly that I didn’t think things would go so terribly wrong.

Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m sad. I know we made the right choice. I am happy with life as it is right now. I guess looking back at how happy we were makes me a little sad. I know that I may never have children. They were our chance at children and it didn’t work out. That just makes me a little sad.

xoxo

nikki