Posted in Adoption

A Year Ago

I honestly cannot believe that a year ago we were just finding out that we were chosen as adoptive parents to two boys. And now here we are, a year later, just the two of us (and our two furbabies).

I don’t need to say this but this whole adoption process went nothing like how I expected it. If you’d told me a year ago that D was going to be a nightmare and we were going to have to disrupt, I would have said no way. I would have said there was NOTHING they could do to make me send them back. I would have said that I was going to put my whole heart and soul into making this adoption work.

The “funny” thing is that I did. I poured my whole heart and soul into the boys. I went to therapy to try to help them. I spent hours crying to my husband and on the phone crying to my mom trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Nothing. There was nothing I did wrong. There was nothing I could do. Love is just not enough. Love cannot fix trauma. Love could not give D what he wanted more than anything, to move back to his birth state.

It just wasn’t meant to be and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Going through the adoption training they tell you it’s going to be hard but no one can tell you HOW HARD it really is. We tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried. We didn’t send him back the first time he ran away or the second or the third. We kept trying. We kept trying to make him plant roots and you just can’t do that. You can’t force someone to be happy or stay somewhere they don’t want to.

What if we had adopted from our own state? I’ve asked myself this question before. Honestly, I don’t know the answer. What if we had only adopted one child? There are questions, things we could have done differently before being chosen for those boys. There are decisions we made that if we’d made them differently we never would have been chosen. We actually did inquire about a child in our home state and we never heard back about him. What if we had heard back? What if we had adopted from our state? What if we had only adopted one child? What if we had adopted a girl? The questions could go on and on. In my heart, I know the boys were supposed to be here those few months. They were part of our story. They were a chapter in our book. If not, God would have led us in a different direction but He didn’t. He led us in this direction.

All I do know is that we are done with adoption. I can’t emotionally go through it again. I know, I know, “it’s not about you” “these kids need homes”. That’s fine if that’s how you feel. You weren’t in my shoes. You don’t understand. No one can truly understand how we feel. No one else was here. No one else took the abuse from D. I know how much I can and cannot take. I know in my heart that I cannot go through the adoption process again.

God KNOWS what He’s doing, guys. All we have to do is have faith in Him. He will lead us in the direction we need to go.

xoxo

nikki

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Author:

Just a wife, foster/adoptive mama, fur mama and small business owner sharing her life!

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