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Off My Chest

I just really need to get this off my chest.

My parents divorced when I was ten. Since then I have had an up & down relationship with my father. I had just about given up on him when I got married. My husband gently pushed me to try again and I did. For the past 7 years, our relationship has been fairly good. Up until this year.

I’m very hurt and I was trying to wait to write this until the hurt had passed some but I feel like I’ll feel better if I just let it out.

The boys came to us in May. My mother and step-dad came out two weeks later to visit. In the three months we had the boys, they visited us 4 times. They live 8 hours away. We also tried to FaceTime once a week or every other week. They wanted to be involved.

My biological father sent us one package of books and that was it. He lives about 10 hours away. He never reached out to FaceTime with the boys, never called, didn’t come visit. He didn’t even bother to call me to see how I was doing.

On both Fathers Day and his birthday (which are about a month apart), I called and texted him. I got no reply back. He did not bother to call or text my husband to wish him a happy Fathers Day. He finally texted on the 4th of July and I asked him did he receive my calls and texts. He responded “Yes.”

My birthday is August 1st. By that time, I was having a really hard time dealing with D and so I was already on edge emotionally. My biological father did not call or text me that morning. One of my brothers was there with me and told me that our father had called him the day before. When my other brother called to wish me happy birthday I asked him had he heard from our dad and he said our dad had called him the day before. I had received no calls or any other kind of communication from him. I finally received a text message from him at 10 o’clock that night. It just said “Happy Birthday”.

He finally reached out by text in Sept. asking if there was a good time to chat. (My husband and I both feel that he only reached out because I had blocked him from all my social media). He called the next Sunday (this was a week AFTER the boys had left) and I told him the boys were gone and went into that story. I told him that I was upset at him for not calling on my birthday and he said he was at a conference and forgot although that was no excuse. I told him that no, that’s  not an excuse and I’m hurt. He apologized and said he would call and check on me in the next few weeks.

I heard nothing from him until I saw him at my brother’s wedding in November. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing. Even at the wedding, he didn’t ask how I was doing. (Sidenote: a relative who I have not spoken to in over 10 years but we are friends on Facebook pulled me aside to tell me how sorry he was that it didn’t work out with the boys and that my husband and I did an amazing thing and he checked to make sure I was ok. That really put into perspective the fact that my biological father did not check on me).

Now we’re at Christmastime. I knew our father was  going to want to come out because my brother and sister-in-law were coming out. One week before Christmas he texted wanting Christmas plans. I told him to work it out with them because I didn’t care (in nicer words than that). He ended up coming to my house and picking up my brother and sister-in-law and spending the day with them. They came back later that evening to open Christmas gifts.

This is where it gets interesting. Originally, I did not want to get my biological father anything for Christmas. I am angry and upset and didn’t feel that he deserved anything. My husband helped me pick out some ties and even a tie holder for when he travels. I actually did put thought into the gift because I know he wears ties for his job and he also travels.

Here’s what he gave me:

adelesimon

Yes, it is a CHILDREN’S BOOK. For the children that I DO NOT HAVE. When I opened it, it took everything inside me not to throw the book down and run out of the room. It is the MOST HURTFUL gift I’ve ever been given. There was no thought put into it. He didn’t even think about the fact that it just reminded me that I had no children and that I failed at having children.

Meanwhile, while I was opening the most hurtful gift ever, my brothers and sister-in-law were opening gift after gift of things that they would actually enjoy, things they were interested in. I had one gift. They each had four or five.

Honestly, up until the moment I opened that gift I had hope. Stupid, stupid hope. Hope that my biological father would step up and apologize and try to fix our relationship. Hope that he would make up for forgetting my birthday.  Hope that he would apologize for not calling me or checking up on me.

Honestly, I hate that I put myself back in this situation. I feel like I’m ten years old again, staring out that window, telling myself “he’ll come back, he loves us, he doesn’t want us to go, he’ll fight for us, he’ll come back”. For years after the divorce, I cried after talking on the phone to him. I used to say to my mom “why doesn’t he say i miss you? why doesn’t he say i love you? why doesn’t he come visit?” I couldn’t understand why my own father didn’t want me.

And here I sit feeling rejected again. The only difference is now I’m 29. 19 years later and I still don’t understand why my biological father doesn’t want me. And it’s even harder now because I know he keeps in touch with my brothers. It’s just me he doesn’t want. He even reached out to his ex-step-daughter after he divorced her mom. He wanted a relationship with her but he doesn’t want one with me.

At this point, I just have to accept the truth. He’s hurt me bad twice and I won’t let it happen a third time. I’m not willing to.

I guess I feel a little better putting this out there. It’s not weighing so heavy on my chest. I’m sure I’ll blog about it some more at some point but at least the story is out there.

thanks for reading

xoxo

nikki

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Author:

Just a wife, foster/adoptive mama, fur mama and small business owner sharing her life!

2 thoughts on “Off My Chest

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