Today this email popped up on my phone:
Just a simple friendly reminder of D’s birthday.
But it hurt me to my core. Added to the fact that,yes, D’s birthday did pop up as a reminder from my calendar because it got overlooked when we were deleting things.
It hurts, you guys. It just hurts. I’m not okay and I’m wondering will I ever be ok? I know we made the right decision. D didn’t want to stay here and when an 8 year old asks you for a plane ticket to move home and talks about moving home every. single. day. you finally give him what he wants. I pray that he and Q are happy. That’s all I want for them.
It’s all I want for me too. I just want to be happy and over this and it just keeps hurting me. We were so excited last year. We wanted this. We wanted them. We wanted kids.
I just can’t believe it sometimes. That this year is so much different from last year. We have no contact with them. We don’t know how or what they are doing. We don’t facetime with them. They don’t ask to see their room or the dogs or tell us they love us. We don’t get to tell them we love them or buy books for them or play video games with them. We listened to what D wanted and somehow I feel like the caseworkers are punishing us. Just because we listened and followed through on what he wanted, we don’t get to have any contact? Or even just know that they are doing well? (its not fair!!!!)
I could go on and on about the things that are different but I won’t. Because it all boils down to one thing: last year we were preparing to have two boys and this year we don’t have them.
I hate that it went wrong. I hate that we were lied to by caseworkers. I hate that they moved D here when they shouldn’t have, it wasn’t what he wanted!!! I hate that kids in the foster system have no choices. Mostly I just hate that they aren’t here.
I’m not ok and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really, really struggling. I want to crawl in my bed and never come out.
I don’t know what to do. But I know I’ll just keep keeping on. I’ll keep believing in God. I’ll keep having faith in His plan. I’ll trust in Him.
This past weekend was a little hard. A year ago THIS weekend we were meeting the boys for the first time.
Seeing them in person for the very first time. It was raining and we followed the social worker to their school. She went in and brought them out and I remember thinking “oh they’re so small and so cute”.
Having lunch with them and all the caseworkers. Q was so shy and D had so many questions. I picked at my lunch and hubs couldn’t even eat anything.
Picking them up from their foster home and them hugging us. Taking them to the park and just playing. Taking them back to their hotel room and them curling up next to me.
How quickly they called us “Mom and Dad”. I remember being so excited the first time D said “Where’s Dad?” and realizing that was hubs.
Leaving them at school and Q saying “I can’t wait to tell my friends I got new parents.”
A year ago, I had no idea everything we would go through. I had no idea that D would run away from us or that he wouldn’t want to live with us. We bonded so quickly that I didn’t think things would go so terribly wrong.
Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m sad. I know we made the right choice. I am happy with life as it is right now. I guess looking back at how happy we were makes me a little sad. I know that I may never have children. They were our chance at children and it didn’t work out. That just makes me a little sad.
I honestly cannot believe that a year ago we were just finding out that we were chosen as adoptive parents to two boys. And now here we are, a year later, just the two of us (and our two furbabies).
I don’t need to say this but this whole adoption process went nothing like how I expected it. If you’d told me a year ago that D was going to be a nightmare and we were going to have to disrupt, I would have said no way. I would have said there was NOTHING they could do to make me send them back. I would have said that I was going to put my whole heart and soul into making this adoption work.
The “funny” thing is that I did. I poured my whole heart and soul into the boys. I went to therapy to try to help them. I spent hours crying to my husband and on the phone crying to my mom trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Nothing. There was nothing I did wrong. There was nothing I could do. Love is just not enough. Love cannot fix trauma. Love could not give D what he wanted more than anything, to move back to his birth state.
It just wasn’t meant to be and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Going through the adoption training they tell you it’s going to be hard but no one can tell you HOW HARD it really is. We tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried. We didn’t send him back the first time he ran away or the second or the third. We kept trying. We kept trying to make him plant roots and you just can’t do that. You can’t force someone to be happy or stay somewhere they don’t want to.
What if we had adopted from our own state? I’ve asked myself this question before. Honestly, I don’t know the answer. What if we had only adopted one child? There are questions, things we could have done differently before being chosen for those boys. There are decisions we made that if we’d made them differently we never would have been chosen. We actually did inquire about a child in our home state and we never heard back about him. What if we had heard back? What if we had adopted from our state? What if we had only adopted one child? What if we had adopted a girl? The questions could go on and on. In my heart, I know the boys were supposed to be here those few months. They were part of our story. They were a chapter in our book. If not, God would have led us in a different direction but He didn’t. He led us in this direction.
All I do know is that we are done with adoption. I can’t emotionally go through it again. I know, I know, “it’s not about you” “these kids need homes”. That’s fine if that’s how you feel. You weren’t in my shoes. You don’t understand. No one can truly understand how we feel. No one else was here. No one else took the abuse from D. I know how much I can and cannot take. I know in my heart that I cannot go through the adoption process again.
God KNOWS what He’s doing, guys. All we have to do is have faith in Him. He will lead us in the direction we need to go.