I have been able to keep my mind (and myself) pretty busy these last couple weeks with very little downtime to really think about things. If I’ve needed to, I’ve taken some very long walks around the neighborhood to cry and vent by myself.
I’ve stayed away because I just haven’t been ready to blog anything. I’ve really tried hard to keep my mind away from thinking about “what could have been” or “what should have been”. It’s a normal human thing to think about those things but I just haven’t wanted to sit down and write about it.
I deleted Facebook from my phone because it was just getting too hard to look at the “elf on a shelf pictures”, “cute christmas jammies”, “kid traditions”, etc. I’ve felt better since doing that. At least the pictures aren’t screaming at me and I don’t check Facebook when I’m out and about doing things.
It still hits you at random moments though. And it’s especially hard because everything Spider-Man reminds me of Q. We’ll be out shopping and I’ll see these adorable Spider-Man pjs and say to my husband “Q would have loved those”. That’s when it really hits me.
I WANTED to give those boys EVERYTHING. We DID give them EVERYTHING. And it wasn’t enough. We had nothing more we could give. I wanted it to be enough. I wanted our home and our family to be enough for them. I tried everything I could to make D happy. I took his disrespect. I let him walk over me. And in the end I just couldn’t take it anymore. They wanted me to. But I just couldn’t. There is only so much disrespect and emotional abuse one can take. See, I’d already been emotionally abused for years by my own biological father. I couldn’t take it from an 8 year old for very long.
Anyway, the loss of the boys has hit me at random times. This was SUPPOSED to be our first Christmas with kids. And that was so exciting to me. I wanted to start new traditions and continue old traditions that we had from our childhoods. So, yeah, it sucks. There’s nothing else to say. It. Just. Sucks. Not that I want D and his abuse back. No, I don’t. It was just the idea of finally having a Christmas with kids that I’m mourning.
We finally put our tree up a week ago. Normally I would have had it up the day after Thanksgiving. We got a train last year, which was something I ALWAYS wanted when I was a kid. A part of me was a little sad putting it together this year because when I got it last year, I thought we would have kids with us this year. I imagined how excited they would be to put it together and put the tree up. (The awful part is that Q would have been excited, he loves trains).
I’ll end this post with a picture of our Christmas tree. I do love it (it’s prelit!) and love putting it up every year. There’s something calming about putting the tree up, putting the ornaments on, and just looking at it.