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I Worry

I’ve always been a worrier, a stresser. I like to know exactly how things are going to be. The little things worry me, hence why I’ve been reading the book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”.

My family knows I stress about everything. Then I went to the eye doctor and he asked me “Do you stress a lot? Because your pupils are REALLY dilated and that usually happens to people who stress a lot.” Huh. Did not know that. So I’ve been trying to relax more. Let things go. I’m not great at it yet. But there is one specific thing that I wanted to blog about today so let’s stop the rambling and get to it.

I worry that all I seem to blog about is the adoption/adoption disruption. I don’t know if it’s healthy to keep talking about it. To keep reliving it so often. But then again, it was a HUGE part of my life over the last year. I know it’s going to take time but I wonder if I need to stop talking about it. Stop blogging about it. But if I do, I’m not sure what I would blog about. I’m sure I could find something. But at the same time, I don’t think I want to stop blogging about it. This is my outlet.

I think it all comes down to the fact that I want to be over it. I want to let it go and yet I don’t want to let it go. I want to go back to the person I was before this all started. That “naive, everything will work out” girl. The “adoption is beautiful, adoption is wonderful, everyone should adopt” girl. I used to talk about adoption. I used to tell people that it was what I wanted to do. Now all I want to do is warn people about adoption. Especially foster care adoption. Now all I want to do is tell people that “adoption is hard, adoption is not worth it” and sometimes “adoption sucks”. Now keep in mind that this is all coming from a dark place inside me. For some, adoption is beautiful and awesome. For us, that wasn’t the case. My experience may not be yours. I would never want to talk someone out of adopting if that’s what they really wanted to do. I just want people to be more aware of how difficult it is. How alone you really will be. Caseworkers say they will be there but they won’t. YOU WILL BE ON YOUR OWN. You will have to figure out behaviors by yourself. THERE IS NO HELP.

For the time being, I will still be blogging about adoption and adoption disruption. I still feel like I have a lot to say. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to move on. I’ll try to maybe throw in some other blogs about crafts and stuff. And maybe one day this blog will move away from adoption disruption but for right now I’m not done talking about it. I don’t know if that’s harmful to my healing to keep talking about it or if it’s helpful to get it all out. The verdict is still out.

All I know is every time I sit down to write, I just start writing about the boys and the adoption and the disruption. There is so much in me I want to talk about but I do better writing it than trying to talk to someone.

And God bless my family, they have been amazing but everyone avoids talking about the boys. I think they think I don’t want to talk about, which is so sweet but also makes me feel pretty alone. I have this place and honestly, I think I’d rather just put my thoughts out into the world of strangers than talk about them with people I know. I’m just not ready for that. I need to sort out my feelings still. I still feel a lot of anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, joy, fear, and so much more.

thanks for reading my ramblings today.

xoxo

nikki

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Just a wife, foster/adoptive mama, fur mama and small business owner sharing her life!

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