Is it possible to regress when dealing with loss? I hate to use the word loss because I feel like someone dying is a loss, whereas no one died in this situation. What’s a better word to use? Trauma? This situation? I don’t know.
I felt like I was getting used to life again. Getting back into how life was before. Getting set in a routine. Feeling like myself again. Reconnecting with my hubby. Communicating better.
But all of a sudden, I’m just angry and sad again. I’m having dreams about them again. Some are good, some are bad. I’m guessing this is probably normal? It’s hard because there is no one (that I’ve found) to reach out to. No one wants to talk about adoption disruption (unless you’re paying them $100+ an hour). It’s one of those taboo subjects. No one wants to be looked down upon and judged so we just don’t talk about it.
I’m lonely. I WANT to talk about it. I would love to find a chat room or anything with other women who have gone through this.
It’s not that people haven’t been nice to me. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been blessed because I haven’t felt judged, other than by caseworkers. Everyone has been SO NICE about it. We had a long conversation with one of our neighbors who knew about the adoption and she was so sweet and nice about everything. Family and friends, even neighbors, have just been so supportive and sweet. It’s been a blessing.
But yet there is no one in my life who has gone through this situation before. There is no one who can tell me that what I’m feeling and dealing with are normal. There’s no one who can tell me how long this will take. Will I always feel this way? Will I one day forget about the boys? I don’t want to always feel this way but I don’t want to ever forget them either. Is there a middle ground? I feel like I’m changed forever. I can never go back to the person I was in May. I can never go back to that naive, everything’s going to work out, happy to adopt person. I’ve been changed. I’ve been hardened by an awful foster system and uncaring caseworkers.
Honestly, what I want most is to let this go. To move on, as awful as that may sound. As soon as I take two steps forward, I feel like something pulls me back. And it definitely does not help that the holidays are now here. Holidays that I thought were FINALLY going to be our first holidays with kids. We could start our own traditions and continue some traditions from our own childhoods. And this year is not the year. And that hurts too.
The three months they were here seem to be slipping away. They seem like years ago not just two months ago. I am moving on and somehow a part of me doesn’t want to. I want to grab onto those good memories and hold them close because I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids. Those three months might be the only months that anyone will ever call me mom. They might be it. They might be the only memories I have of having kids. As tough and bad as the situation was at times, there were also good times. There were cuddly times, there were two kids calling us mom and dad, there was seeing my husband as a dad, things that I thought may never happen and now they are all gone again. And I don’t know what the future holds. I want to have kids but it’s not up to me. God knows my heart. He knows what I want and He knows what I need. If those two don’t match up, then I pray He gives me what I need and not what I want. He’s proven to me that His plans are better than mine.