Do you ever find yourself snapping at people you love for very minor reasons?
The last couple days I’ve found myself having a VERY short temper with my husband. Something as simple as him not taking out the trash has left me moody and upset.
I ALWAYS get like this when something is bothering me subconsciously. I’ve been trying to be better about catching my moods and meditating to figure out what is going on.
Today (of all days) I finally figured it out. Why I’ve been snappy all week. Today is Q’s birthday. Back in August, when he was still here, he and I were already planning his birthday. He was SO EXCITED. We would look at the calendar almost every day to see when his birthday was. He wanted a Spider-Man cake, and when I asked him what flavor, his answer was always Spider-Man! He also wanted web shooters and would come up to you at any random time and tell you about what he was going to do with the web shooters he was getting for his birthday!
I had a Pinterest board (deleted now) dedicated to his birthday. I was really, really excited (probably as much as him) to plan my first children’s birthday party!
It hurts. I know that time heals things and some things take A LOT of time. For the most part, I am doing well. But there are times like this where I feel the loss. Those boys were part of a future that I had planned out.
And I know, I know we did what was best for everyone. But, man, if things had been different. If attitudes and behaviors had been different. If we had been told about certain things. I can’t change the past. And yeah, there’s no use thinking or focusing on it. But there are just certain times when it hits me. And I can’t not think about it.
It’s only been two and a half months! It feels so much longer. They were here longer than they’ve been gone!
I hope. I hope that Q is having a wonderful birthday. I hope that he is being celebrated. I hope that D is not overshadowing him, as he always does. I hope that his foster family has done something for his birthday. I wish I could be there for him. I wish I could make sure he gets those web shooters he wants so badly.
If the state would have split them up, we would have kept Q. And honestly, he needs to be separated. D overshadows and bosses him around WAY TOO MUCH. Q would have done so much better on his own. But what the state says, goes and there’s no point to fighting.
All I can do is pray that Q is taken care of, happy, and standing up to D.
And I pray for strength for myself and my husband.