Posted in Adoption

A Year

A little over a year ago (October to be exact-ish) we inquired about the boys for the first time. What a year it’s been.

We inquired about them in October. Didn’t hear anything until November when we were told they were “taking us to the HART meeting in December”. But first they had to try to find a family in state. They did a Wednesday child on the kids.  The HART meeting was pushed back to January. We waited. And waited. And waited. FINALLY: WE WERE CHOSEN.  Happiness. Tears. Happiness.

We immediately flew out two weeks later to meet them for the first time. The moment I saw them, I cried. They were so small and cute. We had lunch the first day, then just hung out with them the next couple days (I’m not going to go into details but if you want to read about it, there’s a blog back in Jan or Feb. where I detailed our first trip). Our hotel room was robbed and we went home with no stuff but lots of memories.

We were told the paperwork wouldn’t take long. A couple weeks. But their caseworker put in a request to send them to visit us “just in case”. The paperwork took forever and they came out to visit in March for a week. It was a crazy, wonderful week. Then they went back.

“Paperwork shouldn’t take too much longer.” Yeah, right. 2 1/2 months AFTER they came to visit (so 5 MONTHS after we were chosen) the paperwork finally came through. After a lot of snags, thinking we were going to have to have our fingerprints and home study redone (yeah that really happened)! And what seemed like forever, they were finally coming home.

THEY WERE HERE! And we were over the moon happy. We were overjoyed, overwhelmed, crazy. Every second was new. We jumped in with both feet. We freaked out (mostly me). We cried. We celebrated. We laughed. We gave those kids every thing we could, everything we had. They meet the rest of our family (their new family). Q LOVED GRANDPA. Literally, I have never seen a child connect with someone that quickly. He followed him around everywhere. He listened to everything Grandpa said. He quoted Grandpa when Grandpa wasn’t around. He had just met him and he LOVED him. I literally cannot explain how much he loved him.

We put them in sports camp so they could be around other kids. We went to therapy every week. We taught them how to ride bikes. We played basketball. We played video games. We celebrated my birthday. My first birthday with kids.

It was right after my birthday that things started going downhill fast with D. We’d been struggling with his behavior but after that event it got way worse way fast. He’d already run away once but after my birthday he ran away twice more. He just looked at us and walked out the front door. He refused to go to the dentist and there was nothing we could do about it.

One day he came up to us and said, very calmly,  “Will you buy me a plane ticket? I want to go home.” We were stunned. Our caseworkers told us it was normal but I didn’t believe that. See, when I was ten my parents moved us to Idaho and I was miserable. Hated school, hated living there, begged everyday to go home to Colorado. I NEVER got used to it. I was miserable until we moved back. So, I saw the truth in his statement. I realized that some of his acting out was because he was miserable and he was NEVER going to get used to it out here. He was refusing to put down roots and if he wouldn’t put down roots then it would never work. He would never be happy out here. (This was only PART of our decision. There were behaviors that we couldn’t deal with and there was my mental health we had to consider as well).

Making that decision wasn’t easy but as soon as it was made, the relief washed over us. Relief that we were doing the right thing, relief that God was with us, and relief that we were all going to be all right.

What a year it’s been! You know how people will say “I can’t wait to see 2017 go, 2018’s going to be my year” or something like that? I’ve never been a person who says “Good Riddance” to a year. There’s always something I’ve learned or something that’s been good about that year.

This is the first year I can ever remember saying to myself “I’ll be glad to see this year go.” Mostly because it didn’t turn out how I wanted. This was SO NOT the way I saw this year going. This was supposed to be my first holidays with kids, FINALLY. And it’s not.

It has been a REALLY long year. I can’t really believe all that we’ve gone through in the last year. It seems like it should be longer than just one year. But nope, just in one short year we’ve been through all the above.

Well, I’ve rambled on long enough and don’t really have a good ending to this blog today.

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Uncategorized

Favorite Quotes

Today I thought I’d share a couple of my favorite quotes. Quotes often get me through difficult times. In fact I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to them!

Here’s a couple that have gotten me through lately:

How true is this and how easy it is to forget it! God is always there!

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This one simply reminds me that it’s okay to have rough days and break down:

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We will never truly be ready for anything! Just take a deep breath, have faith, and take the leap!

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This one has been one of my favorite quotes for awhile. I don’t know why, I just love it so much.

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Here’s the link to my Favorite Quote Pinterest Board:

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Uncategorized

Regression?

Is it possible to regress when dealing with loss? I hate to use the word loss because I feel like someone dying is a loss, whereas no one died in this situation. What’s a better word to use? Trauma? This situation? I don’t know.

I felt like I was getting used to life again. Getting back into how life was before. Getting set in a routine. Feeling like myself again. Reconnecting with my hubby. Communicating better.

But all of a sudden, I’m just angry and sad again. I’m having dreams about them again. Some are good, some are bad. I’m guessing this is probably normal? It’s hard because there is no one (that I’ve found) to reach out to. No one wants to talk about adoption disruption (unless you’re paying them $100+ an hour). It’s one of those taboo subjects. No one wants to be looked down upon and judged so we just don’t talk about it.

I’m lonely. I WANT to talk about it. I would love to find a chat room or anything with other women who have gone through this.

It’s not that people haven’t been nice to me. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been blessed because I haven’t felt judged, other than by caseworkers. Everyone has been SO NICE about it. We had a long conversation with one of our neighbors who knew about the adoption and she was so sweet and nice about everything. Family and friends, even neighbors, have just been so supportive and sweet. It’s been a blessing.

But yet there is no one in my life who has gone through this situation before. There is no one who can tell me that what I’m feeling and dealing with are normal. There’s no one who can tell me how long this will take. Will I always feel this way? Will I one day forget about the boys? I don’t want to always feel this way but I don’t want to ever forget them either. Is there a middle ground? I feel like I’m changed forever. I can never go back to the person I was in May. I can never go back to that naive, everything’s going to work out, happy to adopt person. I’ve been changed. I’ve been hardened by an awful foster system and uncaring caseworkers.

Honestly, what I want most is to let this go. To move on, as awful as that may sound. As soon as I take two steps forward, I feel like something pulls me back. And it definitely does not help that the holidays are now here. Holidays that I thought were FINALLY going to be our first holidays with kids. We could start our own traditions and continue some traditions from our own childhoods. And this year is not the year. And that hurts too.

The three months they were here seem to be slipping away. They seem like years ago not just two months ago. I am moving on and somehow a part of me doesn’t want to. I want to grab onto those good memories and hold them close because I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids. Those three months might be the only months that anyone will ever call me mom. They might be it. They might be the only memories I have of having kids. As tough and bad as the situation was at times, there were also good times. There were cuddly times, there were two kids calling us mom and dad, there was seeing my husband as a dad, things that I thought may never happen and now they are all gone again. And I don’t know what the future holds. I want to have kids but it’s not up to me. God knows my heart. He knows what I want and He knows what I need. If those two don’t match up, then I pray He gives me what I need and not what I want. He’s proven to me that His plans are better than mine.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

Snappy

Do you ever find yourself snapping at people you love for very minor reasons?

The last couple days I’ve found myself having a VERY short temper with my husband. Something as simple as him not taking out the trash has left me moody and upset.

I ALWAYS get like this when something is bothering me subconsciously. I’ve been trying to be better about catching my moods and meditating to figure out what is going on.

Today (of all days) I finally figured it out. Why I’ve been snappy all week. Today is Q’s birthday. Back in August, when he was still here, he and I were already planning his birthday. He was SO EXCITED. We would look at the calendar almost every day to see when his birthday was. He wanted a Spider-Man cake, and when I asked him what flavor, his answer was always Spider-Man! He also wanted web shooters and would come up to you at any random time and tell you about what he was going to do with the web shooters he was getting for his birthday!

I had a Pinterest board (deleted now) dedicated to his birthday. I was really, really excited (probably as much as him) to plan my first children’s birthday party!

It hurts. I know that time heals things and some things take A LOT of time. For the most part, I am doing well. But there are times like this where I feel the loss. Those boys were part of a future that I had planned out.

And I know, I know we did what was best for everyone. But, man, if things had been different. If attitudes and behaviors had been different. If we had been told about certain things. I can’t change the past. And yeah, there’s no use thinking or focusing on it. But there are just certain times when it hits me. And I can’t not think about it.

It’s only been two and a half months! It feels so much longer. They were here longer than they’ve been gone!

I hope. I hope that Q is having a wonderful birthday. I hope that he is being celebrated. I hope that D is not overshadowing him, as he always does. I hope that his foster family has done something for his birthday. I wish I could be there for him. I wish I could make sure he gets those web shooters he wants so badly.

If the state would have split them up, we would have kept Q. And honestly, he needs to be separated. D overshadows and bosses him around WAY TOO MUCH. Q would have done so much better on his own. But what the state says, goes and there’s no point to fighting.

All I can do is pray that Q is taken care of, happy, and standing up to D.

And I pray for strength for myself and my husband.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Vacation

Vacay Pics

I just found these pics on my phone that I forgot I had taken while on vacay! There was no service at the farm so I didn’t even keep my phone on me! There’s not too many pics but I thought I’d share them anyways!

Beach View! The beach was about a minute walk from our condo.

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Toes in the sand! Oh, it’s been too long!

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The ONLY time I got to sit on the beach! I could have sat here all week! (Excuse my white legs but I live in Colorado!)

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We did get a chance to go to a Manatee viewing site, and were surprised to find out that they had a place where you could pet sting rays! That’s only one of my FAVORITE things to do! These guys were so friendly too! They gave high-fives and swam up the wall to see you!

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I think the sting-ray either came up to see me or gave me a high-five! Pure joy!!

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I had to beg but I FINALLY got to Zaxbys!! I love Zaxbys sooooo much and it’s one of the things I’ve missed the most about the South!

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My bridesmaid dress! Eventually I might get a picture of me even wearing it! I thought I might get cold in it, seeing as it was an outdoor wedding but the weather was so perfect I didn’t even get chilly!

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There’s the pics from my Vacay! If you missed the original post, here’s the link:

https://nikkidoesitall.com/2017/11/17/vacay-2k17/

xoxo

nikki

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Vacay 2k17

Sorry for the long absence but I was *kind of* on vacation!

My brother got married! And, oh, it was a beautiful wedding! The week leading up to it was *rough* but isn’t that what happens when two families have to get to know each other?? (I hope so)

I say I was *kind of* on vacation because there wasn’t much relaxing done! I spent 1 (ONE) hour on the beach and our condo was right by it!!

We spent most of the week at my new sister-in-laws parent’s farm, getting it ready for the wedding! Although it wasn’t the most relaxing, I had a lot of fun getting to know her and her family and seeing her with my brother.

Is there any better feeling than knowing that your brother has found his perfect match? (I’m tearing up now just thinking about their wedding). They are just so perfect for each other. I’m really thankful to have her in our family.

We worked A LOT so I can’t really call it a vacation but it was fun nonetheless! I’m a crafty person and so is my sister-in-law so I enjoyed helping her make most of the things for her wedding!

The day of the wedding, I was a little bossy and ended up in charge of a lot of things!! Such as: decorating the tree they were getting married under & the cake! I ended up in charge of making sure the cake was safe and unboxing it!!! (I don’t know who thought putting me in charge was a good idea!!) But everything went smoothly and it was beautiful.

I was a bridesmaid, which was my first time! We took tons of pics, which I can’t wait to see! They each wrote their own vows and I cried. They were so so sweet! Then at the reception, my brother’s best man gave a toast that made me cry again!

While the wedding turned out beautiful, my poor sister-in-law was so stressed out leading up to it! I really tried to take on some of her stress, get stuff done, and make sure people stayed out of her hair!

I am so so thankful to have cool in-laws (I hear that some of them can be pretty nasty!) and am so glad she’s not like that!!

Even though her wedding was beautiful, the stress of the week made me thankful for my wedding. It was me, my future husband, the justice of the peace and a witness the courts gave us, it was perfect!!! If I had my wedding to do all over again, I’d do it the EXACT SAME WAY!

Big weddings are fun, although stressful, but I think they are for others, not me!

I always felt that there would never be anyone good enough for my brother. (Aren’t all big sisters that protective?) I’m so glad that A came along and proved me wrong! My brother is the HAPPIEST I’ve ever seen him! And I’m glad that they get to be happy together for the rest of their lives!

Now I have one more brother who gets to find his perfect match!

Now that I’m back, I’ll try to write a couple more posts!

xoxo

nikki

 

 

Posted in Adoption

Not the Bad Guys

When you say “oh, we disrupted our adoption”, people of course automatically judge you. “You gave up on those kids.” “You should have held out.” “Don’t you know what those kids have gone through?” “How could you do that to them?” “Didn’t you know what you were getting yourself into?” “Parenting isn’t easy.” “Parenting biological children is just as difficult.” And so on and so on.

Call me the bad guy if it makes you feel better. We are 1000% positive that we did the right thing. It was a bad, negative situation for all involved. I could share our story over and over again but I’ve come to realize that unless you were living it with us, you’ll never 100% understand.

But, just because we disrupted DOES NOT MEAN that we don’t love those kids anymore. We do love them. We would love to know that they are okay. We would love to know what they are doing. We would have loved to keep in touch with them. See, here’s the thing that gets missed: THEY WERE HAPPY TO GO BACK TO THEIR HOME STATE. THEY WANTED TO GO BACK. You should have seen this kid do cartwheels when we told him.

But, alas, we are the bad guys. We are the ones who “gave up on them”. We are the ones who sent them back because “we couldn’t handle it” (not because it was WHAT THEY WANTED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD).

But, truly what makes me the most upset, or the reason why I’m writing this is because we sent an email to their caseworker just asking how they were doing and got NO response back. Why do they think we are the bad guys? Why will they not understand that this was what the kids wanted? Why are they so angry that they have to do their jobs?

If anything, they are the bad guys. They are robbing these kids of having any communication/relationship with us. We NEVER stopped loving them. It breaks my heart to think that these kids think we don’t want anything to do with them. Their caseworkers won’t let us have communication with them but yet I’m sure they are telling the kids that we didn’t want them and that we don’t want any communication with them. It hurts my heart and makes me angry. I want these kids to know that we gave them what they wanted, WE were the ones who listened to them when no one else would. WE LOVED THEM.  We want only good, wonderful things for them. I hate that their picture of us is tainted by caseworkers who won’t listen and only see the worst in people.

Why do caseworkers think we don’t deserve to, at least, know that these kids are doing alright? (Honestly, I don’t think they’re telling us because the kids are doing well and they refuse to admit that they were wrong.) We are NOT just a home, we are people with FEELINGS and we loved those kids. We lived with them for 3 months. We care about them. We just want to know how they are doing.

Am I angry-sounding? Because, honestly, I am really trying to let this anger go but it just makes me SO MAD when I think about the fact that they are telling the boys that we didn’t want them because IT’S NOT TRUE. We wanted them and we tried everything to make them happy here but they weren’t and I wasn’t going to be the one who kept them somewhere they were unhappy. I am not a caseworker. I actually listen to kids.

I don’t know how long it will take me to get past this anger at the caseworkers, system and adoption agencies. I don’t think about it a lot. I try to not let it affect my day. But I just don’t know how to let this anger go.

Any tips would be helpful.

xoxo

nikki