The other day I saw a tweet from someone I follow (who is a foster care worker, & was on married at first sight) that said something about how she can’t believe that foster parents would just “return” children and they need to stick it out for the children. I immediately unfollowed her. Could I have tweeted back at her? Sure. But what’s the point? People like that don’t understand.
Here’s the bottom line:
IF YOU HAVEN’T SPENT 2+ MONTHS WITH THE BOYS WE DID, THEN DON’T JUDGE/TALK TO ME ABOUT HOW DISRUPTING WAS WRONG.
I don’t post a lot on social media. That’s more because I just don’t feel like getting into it with a lot of people. But this space, this blog WILL ALWAYS be a safe place to talk about Adoption Disruption.
I know that I can’t change anyone’s mind. ESPECIALLY not caseworkers. They only see you as a home to place children. They do not care about you. (I was on the verge of checking into a mental hospital before the boys left, told my caseworker this and after the boys left she NEVER called to check on me. I could be in a hospital for all she knows.)
Everyone is entitled to their opinions. But don’t try to tell me my decision was wrong when you weren’t in my shoes. EVERY adoption is different. Just because you stuck it out through the running away, doesn’t mean I should have. I know my limitations. There was more than just the running away, so, so much more but that was one of the major things.
I remember when our caseworker told us “it will get better, it just might take years”. I was stunned. She expected me to live like this for YEARS? She expected us to be on a first name basis with the police. She expected us to “just deal with it”.
I realized that these boys had suffered loss & trauma. I know that they needed a lot more help than we could give them. We absolutely tried everything we could, everything we were told to do.
And here’s the kicker, while our caseworker was telling us to stick it out, our THERAPIST told us that the best thing we could do was disrupt. SHE told us it wasn’t working and we had tried everything we could. SHE spent more time with us & the boys than our caseworker had & she was telling us disrupting was OK!
So if you are thinking about disrupting, if that thought makes you happy, then do it. Life is short. And while the boys deserve happiness, my husband & I also deserve happiness. And none of us were happy together. We wanted to be. But we just weren’t.
Do not stay in a hard situation just because your caseworker is pressuring you. Do not let them guilt you. If you are not happy, then just know that those kids WILL BE happy somewhere else.
Adoption Disruption is OKAY. There’s a reason why they make you foster for 6 months before adopting, it’s so you can make sure these kids are a good fit. If they aren’t, THAT’S OKAY. Fostering is HARD. Not every kid/kids will be a fit for your family. You may even realize, like we did, that you are not made to parent someone else’s child. AND THAT IS OKAY.
Live your life and be happy. That’s all that matters.