Posted in Adoption

Holding On

Going through an adoption disruption is like sailing the sea. You’re up, you’re down, sometimes you’re barely holding on. Your emotions are waves. You have good days, you have bad days. Sometimes you don’t know if you can hold on anymore. When that feeling hits you, there’s one person you need to lean on: God.

Maybe you’re not religious, you don’t go to church (I don’t), maybe you don’t even read the bible. It doesn’t matter to Him. He is always there, waiting for you to bring your troubles to Him.

Knowing God has a plan is one of the only things that has gotten me through this process. (The other is my amazing hubby). I have fallen to my knees A LOT. I know that one day all of this will be explained to me but right now I just have to TRUST & HAVE FAITH.

This adoption disruption was part of God’s plan. He has a bigger, better plan for the boys & for us. We weren’t meant to be a family. Yes, that hurts. Yes, I wish we could have been. The one thing I think people over look is that WE DID LOVE THOSE BOYS. But love does not make a family. We couldn’t love their bad behavior away. We couldn’t love their trauma & their loss away. It takes so much more than that. We tried our best and it wasn’t enough.

We are better for knowing the boys. They are better for knowing us. But God has a bigger plan for all of us. I believe it with all my heart.

If you’re going through the same thing, just know that God’s plan is bigger and better than you can ever dream. He is there, He will always be there. He never leaves us.

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Adoption

Don’t

The other day I saw a tweet from someone I follow (who is a foster care worker, & was on married at first sight) that said something about how she can’t believe that foster parents would just “return” children and they need to stick it out for the children. I immediately unfollowed her.  Could I have tweeted back at her? Sure. But what’s the point? People like that don’t understand.

Here’s the bottom line:

IF YOU HAVEN’T SPENT 2+ MONTHS WITH THE BOYS WE DID, THEN DON’T JUDGE/TALK TO ME ABOUT HOW DISRUPTING WAS WRONG.

I don’t post a lot on social media. That’s more because I just don’t feel like getting into it with a lot of people. But this space, this blog WILL ALWAYS be a safe place to talk about Adoption Disruption.

I know that I can’t change anyone’s mind. ESPECIALLY not caseworkers. They only see you as a home to place children. They do not care about you. (I was on the verge of checking into a mental hospital before the boys left, told my caseworker this and after the boys left she NEVER called to check on me. I could be in a hospital for all she knows.)

Everyone is entitled to their opinions. But don’t try to tell me my decision was wrong when you weren’t in my shoes. EVERY adoption is different. Just because you stuck it out through the running away, doesn’t mean I should have. I know my limitations. There was more than just the running away, so, so much more but that was one of the major things.

I remember when our caseworker told us “it will get better, it just might take years”. I was stunned. She expected me to live like this for YEARS? She expected us to be on a first name basis with the police. She expected us to “just deal with it”.

I realized that these boys had suffered loss & trauma. I know that they needed a lot more help than we could give them. We absolutely tried everything we could, everything we were told to do.

And here’s the kicker, while our caseworker was telling us to stick it out, our THERAPIST told us that the best thing we could do was disrupt. SHE told us it wasn’t working and we had tried everything we could. SHE spent more time with us & the boys than our caseworker had & she was telling us disrupting was OK!

So if you are thinking about disrupting, if that thought makes you happy, then do it. Life is short. And while the boys deserve happiness, my husband & I also deserve happiness. And none of us were happy together. We wanted to be. But we just weren’t.

Do not stay in a hard situation just because your caseworker is pressuring you. Do not let them guilt you. If you are not happy, then just know that those kids WILL BE happy somewhere else.

Adoption Disruption is OKAY. There’s a reason why they make you foster for 6 months before adopting, it’s so you can make sure these kids are a good fit. If they aren’t, THAT’S OKAY. Fostering is HARD. Not every kid/kids will be a fit for your family. You may even realize, like we did, that you are not made to parent someone else’s child. AND THAT IS OKAY.

Live your life and be happy. That’s all that matters.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in DIY

Kitchen Re-Do

How about a blog where I’m not just talking on and on and on?

When we moved into our house, the kitchen had WALLPAPER. Ugly, ugly wallpaper. Well for the first year, we just lived with it. Then one day, we decided to DO something about it! We rented a wallpaper steamer (i think it’s called something like that) from Home Depot & in two days I had removed all the wallpaper. Surprisingly, while I have little patience for mostly anything, I had a lot of patience for removing wallpaper.

No befores of the ugly wallpaper, just after pics:IMG_3519IMG_3517

Then came the hard decision, what color??? I love picking out colors, the hard part is narrowing it down to one. However, this color just seemed to jump out at me:

It’s a blue-gray, the pics don’t do it justice, but when do they ever? I can never seem to get the true color on camera.

IMG_3522IMG_3521

Then for my favorite part: DECOR! And yes, I made everything myself:

IMG_4210

Ingredients: Huge Letters from Hobby Lobby, Painters Tape, Your choice of PaintIMG_4217

Ingredients: Canvas from Hobby Lobby, Paint, Silhouette

I use my Silhouette to cut out the words in vinyl, then I modge podge them onto the canvas like a stencil and paint. IMG_4212

Ingredients: Canvas from Hobby Lobby, Paint, Silhouette

*Follow Steps from Above*IMG_4214

Ingredients: Canvas from Hobby Lobby, Paint, Silhouette

*Follow Steps from Above*IMG_4213

Ingredients: Canvas from Hobby Lobby, Paint, Silhouette

*Follow Steps from Above*

IMG_4215Yes, I realize some of the pictures are dark but I just suck with a camera, ok?!

I seriously LOVE my Silhouette. I could not do most of my projects without it.

Hope you enjoyed a blog with more pictures than words this time!

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Uncategorized

Comparing

I have a very bad habit of comparing my life to everyone’s around me. I’m the person who’s always sitting here going:

“They’re a better parent than I was”

“There business is more successful than mine”

“They exercise more than I do”

So all these people must be better than me.

I don’t know why I do it. I have a really, really great life. I really actually love my life. It’s hard, yes. But I love my husband. I love our dogs. I love my job. I love our house.

But I can’t stop. I don’t know how to stop. I want to stop. I hate this about myself. I hate that I compare myself so much. I hate that I put myself on such a low pedestal and people I barely know on such a high pedestal.

I want to be on the high pedestal. I want to believe in myself. All I feel like all the time is a failure. My adoption failed. My business is barely profitable. I don’t get up early in the morning and go exercise. I don’t eat healthy enough.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of all of us doing it. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS. Especially when it’s just a snapshot of their life on social media. So I don’t get up early (like before 7am). So what I don’t exercise. So what I’m not a vegan. So what!

I work hard everyday at our business. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. It’s not going to make us millionaires tomorrow. It’s going to take a lot of time, a lot of word of mouth, a lot of work to make it successful. Sometimes I forget that. I want it to be successful NOW. And it’s not, so I feel like a failure. But instead of looking at how far I have to go, sometimes I need to look at how far we’ve come. Being profitable is the first BIG step to any business and we are almost there. I have learned a lot about business having one. I’ve had to jump into an area that I knew basically nothing about and teach myself everything. Mistakes have been made. That’s the past and there’s nothing I can do but learn from them.

Our adoption failed. So I must be a terrible parent. No. I’m just not the kind of parent who can parent somebody else’s child. The fact that this failed says nothing about my parenting skills. It just says that we were not meant to adopt. That makes me feel bad sometimes, too. Adoption was always something that I wanted to do. Give a child a loving home and all that. I have to accept that I was not meant to adopt. I wanted to and I tried it and it just wasn’t meant to be. I’m so glad and thankful that we got to have those boys in our lives for a couple months. I know that this decision was the best for all of us.

I don’t get up at the crack of dawn. I’ve never been a morning person. Getting me up before 8am is amazing. And I’ve been waking up around 7:30 lately. I feel like I need to get up earlier to get more done but I think I’m just one of those people who needs more sleep to function. That’s okay. I still get everything done that I need to get done. Plus I get the sleep that I need too!

I don’t exercise. I need to. I know I’ll feel better if I do. I have to chalk this one up to laziness, plain and simple. I don’t like to exercise (who does?). So I’ll work on this one.

I don’t eat healthy enough. Really? I totally do. I’m not a vegan or vegetarian by any means but I don’t eat a ton of fast food or even junk food. I snack on air popped popcorn, celery, almonds & raisins. I try to eat salad a couple times a week if not everyday. I don’t know why I tell myself I don’t eat healthy enough. I totally do.

Sometimes social media can really get us down. We see perfect snapshots of someone’s imperfect life and start comparing. Stop it. We all have perfect moments in our day but it doesn’t mean our life is anywhere near perfect.

My life is not perfect and I’m thankful for that. More than anything, I’m just grateful to have this beautiful life. I’m more than thankful that I didn’t take my own life when I thought about it and that I’m here today to enjoy my life.

xoxo

nikki