People are still asking me “How Are You Doing?”
It’s SUCH a loaded question. I LOVE the support that we have. I LOVE that people care about ME so much.
But it’s tough to answer. On one hand, I am doing fine. I have slid right back into our old routine. I feel sometimes like people don’t want to hear that answer. They want me to be sad, be miserable, be in mourning. And some days I am. There are days where I miss them so much it hurts. I miss how life was when they were here. But there are more days where I am fine. I am happy. I am going on with life how it is. Because there is no use to wondering. Wondering what life would be like if they were here. Wondering where they are, what they are doing, are they happy, are they okay. I will never know. So I can’t sit here and pause my life. I have to keep going.
I am happy. I am healthy. I am keeping busy. My depression levels are wayyyy down. My stress levels are wayyy down. It is hard to believe it has already been a month. It feels like so much longer.
I’ve been asked if we are going to adopt again. The answer right now is no. I don’t know if that answer will ever change. We went through a really really hard case. These boys need more help and therapy than their caseworkers are willing to admit. Their caseworkers are not willing to listen to us in order to help the boys. They have changed nothing in their profile. They have not addressed the running away. I don’t believe they ever will, which sucks. If they are not willing to address the problems that the boys have, they will only get worse.
Honestly, seeing how caseworkers and agencies treat you as a home and not as people has really turned me off of the whole adoption thing. Neither our caseworker nor our agency has checked in with us to make sure we are doing okay after this ordeal. It has been both disappointing and eye opening.
I can’t see ever going through this process again. I loved the boys, absolutely, with my whole heart. I didn’t go into this half-heartedly. I went into this with my whole heart. And my whole heart was hurt when it didn’t work. I honestly couldn’t go through that again. I have to protect my heart and my husband’s heart.
And I’m okay with that. If we never have children, I know that we will be fine. If you made me choose between being with my husband and having no kids or being with someone else and having kids, I’d choose my husband EVERY TIME. I can’t go through life without him. But we have built a life without children and if we don’t have any, I know we’ll be fine.