Posted in Adoption

On Adoption Disruption

Adoption disruption is so “hush hush” in the adoption community. No one wants to come out and talk about it. I AM NOT ASHAMED. We did what we HAD to do for the boys and for ourselves.

Yes, these children come from hard places. Yes, they deserve a forever family. BUT the family still has to do what is best for themselves as well. D’s attitude about being here was beating us down EVERY SINGLE DAY.  He was disrespectful to a level that I can’t even explain. I dreaded each and every morning. I never knew what kind of mood he would be in. I was walking on eggshells in my own home.

I couldn’t live like that anymore. I wasn’t going to tell this part of the story but it just seems right to share now. I had finally reached a breaking point. I got in my car while my husband was putting them to bed & when he couldn’t find me, he called me & I told him “I’m not coming back. I can’t do it anymore.” And I was serious. I had been beat down so much that I couldn’t take it anymore. I literally got on E-470 & drove east. I spent the night in a hotel. And that was when we made the decision to disrupt.

It wasn’t a decision that we made easily or simply. It wasn’t a decision we made the first time D even ran away. Or the first time he was disrespectful. We lived through over a month of his disrespect just getting worse and worse. We tried every technique the caseworker & therapist gave us.

Honestly, the decision for me was made while talking to our caseworker. I was asking her what do we do when he just walks out the front door, what do we do when he won’t go the doctor (which he wouldn’t), what do we do when he decides he’s not going to school? And her response “You call the police, you get the school principal involved, the truancy officer”. And I told her “I’m not willing to live that kind of life. I don’t want to be on a first name basis with the police”.

Honestly, that was in our home study. We told her, our agency, everyone from the beginning that we could not handle a child who was a runner. And yet they lied about these kids and gave them to us anyway.

I don’t want to sit here and blame the system. But yet they do need to take some blame for this. This is what happens when caseworkers don’t tell you everything. This is what happens when the state wants these kids to be adopted so badly that they don’t care about telling you everything or giving the kids a choice.

I’m heart broken that we had to disrupt. But yet there was no way we could keep these kids. We weren’t prepared for kids like this. And no one was willing or able to help us.

At the end of the day, we were the ones here with them 24/7. We were the ones dealing with these behaviors. And we couldn’t handle it anymore.

I don’t see our disruption as this awful, evil thing we did. I see it as the best thing for us and the boys. They got to go home and I got to stop walking on eggshells in my home.

Yes, we love them and always will. But D just had behaviors that we couldn’t handle.

Disruption is okay. It is okay to feel relieved when the kids leave your home. That’s how you know you made the right choice. Yes, foster kids deserve a forever home. But if it’s not your home, you have to step up and make the right decision for everyone. I truly believe there is a better home for these boys than mine. The boys deserve to be happy but my husband and I also deserve to be happy. And we couldn’t all be happy together. It just wasn’t “meant to be”.

So don’t feel bad if you’re thinking about disrupting. You have to take care of yourself FIRST. You can’t be a parent if you AREN’T HAPPY. You can’t be a parent if you’re not taking care of yourself. I wasn’t being a good parent and I wasn’t even being a good spouse. Your life MATTERS. You have to be happy (at least most of the time). It’s YOUR LIFE. Choose what makes YOU happy.

I loved the boys. I wanted this to work. But at the end of the day, I had to choose what makes me happy. My husband makes me happy. The boys didn’t make me happy. They made me not want to come home. They made me want to leave and never come back. I couldn’t live that life. In the end, “selfish” as it may seem, we choose ourselves and our marriage. I don’t see it as selfish. Some people do. Some people *cough caseworkers cough cough* think we should have sacrificed ourselves and our marriage for these boys. No. I’m sorry but no.

No one wants to believe that an 8 year old can be SO manipulative and controlling but D was. He was picking apart our relationship and I KNOW that if they had stayed, I would have left. He knew how to control situations. He knew how to behave in certain situations. He never let the therapist see the side of him we saw at home. So how was she supposed to help????

At the end of the day, disruption was the right choice for all of us. If you are thinking about disrupting, feel free to reach out to me. It is not a bad thing. You should not feel guilty about doing it.

xoxo

nikki

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Author:

Just a wife, foster/adoptive mama, fur mama and small business owner sharing her life!

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