My wonderful family has been such an amazing support through all of this. They’ve been there to listen. They’ve checked in on us. They’ve dragged us to baseball games and got me out of the house/bed. They’ve been the most supportive family I could ever imagine, I’m so blessed. They’ve been understanding. They haven’t judged. I am more grateful for all of them than I can express to them.
Every day I get a little better. But sometimes it hurts in the weirdest of places, like Wal-Mart. When you’re standing in the frozen section at Wal-Mart, crying, you realize you’ve pretty much hit rock bottom. But that’s the funny thing about grief, it likes to sneak up on you in the weirdest of places.
Like sometimes I go outside and just suddenly remember them blowing bubbles on the front steps. I’m sure one day that will be a happy memory but right now remembering it just hurts. It just reminds me of the fact that they will NEVER do it again.
Sometimes it actually physically hurts me. Like I can’t catch my breath. Like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I MISS them. I miss reading bedtime stories. I miss them cuddling up next to me on the couch. I miss seeing them ride their bikes. I miss so much.
However, there is no regret. I know WITHOUT A DOUBT that we did the RIGHT THING sending them back. I know it’s where they wanted to be. I know the running away would have only gotten worse if they had stayed out here. And the disrespect, not listening, and bad behaviors.
Knowing this doesn’t mean that I don’t miss them. It just means that I have no regrets. The pain of missing them comes hard and fast. It comes randomly. I don’t know if this will always be a part of me or not. I imagine I will always miss them but I hope that it doesn’t always come with this physical pain.
I’m still navigating the waters of grief and loss. It’s only been two weeks. Seems like so much longer but nope, just two weeks.
All I can do is ride the waves, pray and have faith in God’s Plan.