Grief is a funny thing. You can be doing well & then BAM: grief.
Our journey as adoptive parents has come to an end. The boys have gone “home”. That’s what they wanted. When we told them they were going back, they were so excited and happy. The system completely failed them (but that’s a long story for another time). We gave them what they wanted & our hearts broke when we did it. The only thing that made it better was seeing how happy they were to go. Not that they hated us, they just never wanted to move out of state. I believe in my heart that if we could have all moved to their home state, they would have been happy with that too. They just didn’t want to live out here.
Even though I KNOW in my heart we made the right decision, there are still very powerful moments of grief & sadness. It’s only been a week since we made the decision so it’s very normal. We also had to pack up & send all of their things so that made the grief & sadness even stronger.
There are moments when I can look at pictures of them & be okay. Then I’ll look at the same pictures and just cry and cry. This is not the ending that any of us hoped for. This was not the ending that I ever pictured. This was absolutely not the way I thought this journey was going to go.
Grief. There are moments where I see other kids riding bikes & I’ll remember the way they used to ride their bikes. I’ll look outside & see them playing basketball or playing with bubbles in my mind. There are moments where I’ll just cry uncontrollably for no real reason. It’s like riding on the ocean right now. It will be calm for a moment & then the grief will just come along & sweep me away.
One of the worst ones hit me this morning when I saw the birthday gift we had gotten for Q. He kept talking about getting web shooters for his birthday & even though it’s months away when we saw the web shooters on sale, we grabbed them. We packed them up & just the thought of not getting to see him open them, of not getting to see the excitement on his face, of not getting to see him use them, well the grief hit me like a cement truck. We had planned for a future with them.
No matter what the caseworkers, judges & all those people want to say, we KNOW the truth. We tried every technique given to us, every technique we read about, every technique we watched & at the end of the day they DID NOT want to be here.
We listened to their voices & gave them what they wanted. We gave them the voice they SHOULD HAVE had in the first place. They should have been sat down & asked if they wanted to move out of state, then they would have said no and none of us would have been in this situation.
At the end of the day, I just remember that God is in control. God will protect those boys & make sure they are safe & happy just as He will do the same for us.
Right now it doesn’t make the grief any better but in time we will be okay. We will always, always love those boys & always want the best for them, even if it means we can’t be in their lives.