Posted in Adoption

On Grief

Grief is a funny thing. You can be doing well & then BAM: grief.

Our journey as adoptive parents has come to an end. The boys have gone “home”. That’s what they wanted. When we told them they were going back, they were so excited and happy. The system completely failed them (but that’s a long story for another time). We gave them what they wanted & our hearts broke when we did it. The only thing that made it better was seeing how happy they were to go. Not that they hated us, they just never wanted to move out of state. I believe in my heart that if we could have all moved to their home state, they would have been happy with that too. They just didn’t want to live out here.

Even though I KNOW in my heart we made the right decision, there are still very powerful moments of grief & sadness. It’s only been a week since we made the decision so it’s very normal. We also had to pack up & send all of their things so that made the grief & sadness even stronger.

There are moments when I can look at pictures of them & be okay. Then I’ll look at the same pictures and just cry and cry. This is not the ending that any of us hoped for. This was not the ending that I ever pictured. This was absolutely not the way I thought this journey was going to go.

Grief. There are moments where I see other kids riding bikes & I’ll remember the way they used to ride their bikes. I’ll look outside & see them playing basketball or playing with bubbles in my mind. There are moments where I’ll just cry uncontrollably for no real reason. It’s like riding on the ocean right now. It will be calm for a moment & then the grief will just come along & sweep me away.

One of the worst ones hit me this morning when I saw the birthday gift we had gotten for Q. He kept talking about getting web shooters for his birthday & even though it’s months away when we saw the web shooters on sale, we grabbed them. We packed them up & just the thought of not getting to see him open them, of not getting to see the excitement on his face, of not getting to see him use them, well the grief hit me like a cement truck. We had planned for a future with them.

No matter what the caseworkers, judges & all those people want to say, we KNOW the truth. We tried every technique given to us, every technique we read about, every technique we watched & at the end of the day they DID NOT want to be here.

We listened to their voices & gave them what they wanted. We gave them the voice they SHOULD HAVE had in the first place. They should have been sat down & asked if they wanted to move out of state, then they would have said no and none of us would have been in this situation.

At the end of the day, I just remember that God is in control. God will protect those boys & make sure they are safe & happy just as He will do the same for us.

Right now it doesn’t make the grief any better but in time we will be okay. We will always, always love those boys & always want the best for them, even if it means we can’t be in their lives.

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Uncategorized

STRONG

I have so much to write but yet so little to write. When the ideas come, I can’t find the time. When I find the time, the ideas are gone.

This morning was the first really bad depression morning I’ve had in awhile. We’re talking “don’t want to be here, giving up” kind of morning. Then when I finally rolled myself out of bed, I had to talk one of my kids out of a crying/pouting fit by using compassion that I sure as heck didn’t feel.

It got better as the day went by. My depression usually can start to be controlled the more I wake up. By midmorning I was doing pretty well. By that I mean I was controlling the suicidal thoughts. It helped that for the first time in about 3 days the sun decided to grace us with his presence. They say depression is worse when the sun isn’t out and it’s actually true. I can usually handle one day but by the second & third day I start going downhill. It doesn’t help that I’m still dealing with acid reflux and at least once a week I throw up stomach acid as soon as I wake up. That happened this morning too.

This morning really showed me again how STRONG I truly am. I woke up throwing up and wanting to not be here anymore but went downstairs and was a compassionate, loving mom (even though those were the last two things I felt).

Therapeutic parenting is absolutely not for everyone. Somedays I’m not even sure I can do it but somehow God helps me find the inner strength I need to get through. I’m realizing every day exactly how strong I am.

I’m strong enough to beat depression.

I’m strong enough to live with acid reflux.

I’m strong enough to parent these kids from hard places.

I’m strong.

And if you’re struggling today, I just want to let you know that YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH to get through whatever it is.

xoxo

nikki