Here’s to honesty:
I wanted to skip over Mothers Day. I wanted to pretend like it didn’t exist. Like it was just another Sunday. My sweet, sweet husband asked me if I wanted anything for Mothers Day, because in his words “even though our kids aren’t here, I’m still going to be their mother so this is my first mothers day”. He’s so sweet, sometimes I feel so undeserving of him. I told him no I didn’t want anything.
Here’s why I wanted to skip Mothers Day:
I don’t feel like a mother. My kids don’t live with me. I don’t discipline them. I don’t feed them. I don’t read them bedtime stories. I don’t cuddle them. All of this is done by their foster mother and SHE deserved to be celebrated this Mothers Day. And although this SOUNDS selfless of me, I was thoroughly disappointed that I wasn’t going to get to celebrate this Mother’s Day. I have been waiting to be celebrated for SEVEN years. I was SO MAD that the stupid paperwork took too long and my kids weren’t with me this year. To make things worse, I realized that they WILL be here for Fathers Day.
I don’t want to be this selfish person. I really don’t. But that’s how I felt.
This year was supposed to be MY FIRST YEAR BEING CELEBRATED. I really, really wanted that this year. I guess a lot of it stems from the fact that our last failed fertility treatment happened RIGHT BEFORE Mother’s Day. So that was another year I thought I would finally get to celebrate and didn’t, I guess maybe this reminded me of that. I can’t explain the feeling of thinking you’re going to be a mother only to have it snatched away. Yes, my kids will be here soon but they weren’t here for Mothers Day. I had hoped they would be and that hope was snatched away from me again.
I do realize that I have years of Mothers Days ahead of me but that doesn’t really take the pain and bitterness away from not being able to celebrate this year.
But, in good news:
We got to FaceTime on Mothers Day and as soon as they saw me both kids yelled out “Happy Mothers Day!” which made the day somewhat better 🙂 Plus both foster parents wished me Happy Mothers Day as well.
Here’s to a better Mothers Day next year!