Posted in Uncategorized

Positive

I originally sat down to type out a post entitled “Sick to My Stomach”, it was going to be about my grandfather in the home. But I am sick of being so negative all the time. Every time I sit down to write it’s so negative. I am tired of being that person. You wouldn’t think it would be so exhausting to be negative. But it truly is. It takes a lot of effort to be so negative about everything.

So I’m turning over a new leaf! Trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of things. But even when I do think of those negative things, I’m trying to see them in a new positive light. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy or that I’m going to be able to do it right away because hello clinical depression but I’m at least going to try to not be so negative.

Last night visiting my Grandpa was a little hard, he was a little grouchy but I sat with him and then when I had to go, he said you’re leaving already and then I told him i love you and he said i love you too. That is HUGE! I say I love you every time I leave and he rarely says it back so I truly treasure those moments when he says it. When dealing with dementia, it is truly the small things that you take for granted that mean the most. Hearing “I love you too” means EVERYTHING to me. He might say it back to me once a month. I have to catch him in the right moment, when he knows who I am and he’s in a good mood.

I have to run now but I want to post more often even if it’s just short posts like these.

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Adoption

Frustrated & Lucky

I am so frustrated.

I am getting dang well sick of this paperwork nonsense. Somebody tell me where the dang paperwork is!? Come on, it’s either in our state or the kids state, someone has GOT to know. But guess what? No one knows!! WHY?!?! Why does no one know where our paperwork is? Why does no one know the process? Where does it go next, why does it go there, no one knows the answers to any of these questions.

I am so lucky.

I have the best husband for me. He is patient. He is kind. He is understanding. He lets me vent about the same things over and over and over again. He is the only thing keeping me sane through all of this. I am so blessed to have him and if this process has only taught me that, well, it’s taught me that A LOT.

I think it’s also trying to teach me patience but I’ve been a bit stubborn about learning patience. I am sick of waiting. And maybe that’s why this is taking forever! Maybe if I could just learn my lesson this would all be over.

So patience. I’m still (and probably will be forever) working on it.

But I’m forever lucky that my husband found me and wanted to marry me. I’m forever lucky that he has stuck by my side. I’m blessed that he hasn’t given up on me and I’m thankful for all the hard times that we have (and will have) had.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

The Visit

After going back and re-reading my blog posts, I realized that I never posted about the kids visit out here! I suffer from clinical depression so I tend to focus on the bad more than the good but I need to start refocusing on the good!

At the beginning of March we got a phone call from the kids caseworker telling us that a visit had been approved! We had been told it was a long shot so we had already put the visit out of our minds because we figured it wouldn’t happen so to hear it had been approved was AWESOME!

The kids flew out with their caseworker the next week, and they even got to go in the cockpit and take a picture with the pilot! Southwest was SO GREAT to them, aside from letting them go in the cockpit they also gave them a GIANT bag full of those little bags of peanuts:

IMG_3917

I was sitting in the office, which looks out over our front yard, so I could see them pull up. As soon as they did, I yelled for hubs and ran outside. B jumped out of the car and ran so fast up to me to hug me! It was one of the best feelings of my life. L was right behind him! Then they hugged Dad and ran into the house. They first chased after the dogs, Tron was loving it, Chewey was hating it. Chewey ran into his cage and basically hung out there for the whole week.

For the next week, we played basketball, video games, board games, wrestled, danced, played catch, played soccer, went to the park and just had an amazing time. Eventually, Chewey started coming out his cage and would let the kids pet him but he still wasn’t sure about being picked up and carried around! Tron would lick anyone’s face for as long as they would let him! One of the best parts of the trip (for me) was introducing them to Great-Grandma, who lives right next door. They loved her! Whenever they would see her leave, they would run over and give her hugs. When they saw her come back, they would run over and help her take her groceries into the house. They asked to go to Great-Grandma’s house and see her and Sofee (her cat).

Of course, my all-time favorite things was hearing them say Mom and Dad. I had to go to the grocery store one night because we ran out of apple juice and B gave me a huge hug before I left and another hug when I got back! One day I was making lunch while they were playing outside and B comes in, I told him lunch wasn’t ready and he said I know, I just wanted to give you a hug, Mom.¬†They are just two of the sweetest kids and we are so blessed that we get to be their forever family.

By the end of the week, we were EXHAUSTED. Entertaining two kids all day is no joke! We spent the next two days just relaxing on the couch!

Overall, were there some hard times during the visit? Yes, of course. We’re basically four strangers all getting used to each other. But the good times far outweighed the bad and the visit was AMAZING. We miss them SO MUCH!

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Uncategorized

Radio Silence

Here’s the thing. I don’t know the future for this website. I’ve gotten to a place in my life where I don’t know if I want to share anymore. Not because I’ve suddenly become a secretive person but more because there is just so much going on and I’m still trying to process my feelings about it all. I just can’t find the time to sit down and share. It would be a really, really long blog. But here goes.

We put my Grandpa in a home about two weeks ago. It was such a quick, fast decision and my mom, hubs and me spent 12hours buying, moving, and building furniture. It was a long day and night and it’s been a long two weeks since. My grandma is, of course, having a difficult time so I have been trying to be someone she can rely on for anything and everything. On top of that, I still haven’t come to terms with my feelings on him being in the home. I knew he had Dementia but since he’s been in the home with other people who have memory problems it’s made his seem more real and worse. He doesn’t really process what you’re saying at all. He can’t answer simple questions. He’ll start talking about something and you’ll have no idea what he’s saying. I go visit him and spend time with him and I end up feeling worse when I leave. That’s a terrible thing to say but when I talk to him and show him pictures it just highlights the fact that he doesn’t know me. He knows I’m familiar, yes but he has no idea what grand-daughter means. I’m still struggling and I don’t know what to do about it.

On top of that, we are STILL WAITING on our paperwork for the kids. That has been a whole mess of it’s own. Two weeks ago, yes the same time I was dealing with putting my Grandpa in a home, our county called and said we needed a new homestudy, background checks and finger prints. We called our agency but because they are small, the owner was out of town in AFRICA, so no emails nor phone calls could reach her. We reached out to our caseworker who immediately told us that was not right and she would take care of it. Well, for a week we were in limbo trying to figure out if we needed to go ahead and start a new home study or if the paperwork was wrong. Turned out the paperwork was wrong (never thought I’d be thankful for wrong paperwork) and a box had gotten checked that shouldn’t have. Also, the paperwork never had to go to our county, just to the state office. So, the paperwork got fixed and we believed it was sent to our state, nope, it’s still in the kids home state. They had to reapprove it and then send it on. It has been over a month since the ICPC was sent and we’re still waiting. Everyone keeps saying “Any Day Now” for the last two weeks.

I am really frustrated that it is taking this long. Everyone has been told, by a judge no less, that they need to hurry up because these kids need to get to their forever home and it feels like they are still dragging their feet. Also, the caseworker who has been on the kids case from the beginning got transferred so now it feels like we have no one on our side fighting for us. We haven’t even heard from the new caseworker and she took over about 3 weeks ago. No phone call, email, nothing. She hasn’t even been to see the kids. I am just really upset lately. I feel bad because I keep unloading all of this on my husband and he’s suffering too. He’s going through the same feelings I am. My family is so busy getting my Grandpa settled and helping my Grandma that I can’t talk to them because I feel like it will just make them feel worse. So here I am, talking to nobody.

It just feels like I don’t know how much more I can take and then more comes along.

xo

nikki