Every day I wake up and my boys aren’t here. How many more days? No one knows. It could go really fast and only be a couple more weeks, it could be slower and be two+ more months. They might be able to come for a visit, they might not. EVERYTHING is up in the air.
Gosh, all my blogs sound so negative lately. So many things are going RIGHT. The contracts have been negotiated already and it only took 3 weeks (which is pretty quick, I hear). The kids are happy, healthy and having a good time.
It has just been so difficult for me to bond with these kids and then have to leave them. To bond with them and then see them bond with someone else. To worry about them getting here and saying “we want to go back to our new foster parents house”.
I am just. really. struggling. I don’t know how to get past it. I feel similar to how I felt when my grandpa got loose and I had to knock on a strangers door to find him. Yesterday we were visiting with my grandma and he got up and started wandering. Well, about five minutes later my grandma got up to look for him (the house isn’t that big) and couldn’t find him. Me and hub were opening every door looking for him and couldn’t find him. There was NO WAY he could have gotten out of the house (we’ve changed all the locks to key entry) but still this fear started spreading through me that he had somehow magically gotten out. (We finally found him in the bedroom closet). I thought I was over my trauma but when I thought he had gotten out I started to have a tiny panic attack. I was going through the house, throwing open doors, my breathing started to get heavy and I was freaking out. Is fear as hard to get over as jealousy? I worry that I won’t be able to get over this jealousy I have about my kids new foster parents. I DON’T want my kids calling them mom and dad. I DON’T want them taking my kids to their first basketball game, or any other firsts. I’ve missed out already on so many firsts. I DON’T want them teaching my kids to read or write.
Honestly, until I typed it out I didn’t even realize that my jealousy stems from missing out on firsts. That’s why I love journaling. When I start typing, everything just comes out and I can figure out my problems. I knew going into this that we would be adopting “older” kids (not a baby) and that we would miss out on all of their “baby firsts, i.e. steps, words, potty training, etc”. What I didn’t realize is that there are more “firsts” than just that and now after bonding with my kids, I don’t want to miss anymore of those. I don’t want anyone else doing “firsts” with them.
How do I get past this? I can’t speed anything up. I can’t stop their foster parents from doing these “firsts”. I want my kids to be happy so if that means that they do some “firsts” with these people than that’s what I want. But it’s still hard for me to see. It’s hard for me to deal with. I know that there will ALWAYS be firsts. There will be things that I will get to do with them first and no one will be able to take that away from me.
thanks for letting me vent today.