Posted in Adoption

How many more?

Every day I wake up and my boys aren’t here. How many more days? No one knows. It could go really fast and only be a couple more weeks, it could be slower and be two+ more months. They might be able to come for a visit, they might not. EVERYTHING is up in the air.

Gosh, all my blogs sound so negative lately. So many things are going RIGHT. The contracts have been negotiated already and it only took 3 weeks (which is pretty quick, I hear). The kids are happy, healthy and having a good time.

It has just been so difficult for me to bond with these kids and then have to leave them. To bond with them and then see them bond with someone else. To worry about them getting here and saying “we want to go back to our new foster parents house”.

I am just. really. struggling. I don’t know how to get past it. I feel similar to how I felt when my grandpa got loose and I had to knock on a strangers door to find him. Yesterday we were visiting with my grandma and he got up and started wandering. Well, about five minutes later my grandma got up to look for him (the house isn’t that big) and couldn’t find him. Me and hub were opening every door looking for him and couldn’t find him. There was NO WAY he could have gotten out of the house (we’ve changed all the locks to key entry) but still this fear started spreading through me that he had somehow magically gotten out. (We finally found him in the bedroom closet). I thought I was over my trauma but when I thought he had gotten out I started to have a tiny panic attack. I was going through the house, throwing open doors, my breathing started to get heavy and I was freaking out. Is fear as hard to get over as jealousy? I worry that I won’t be able to get over this jealousy I have about my kids new foster parents. I DON’T want my kids calling them mom and dad. I DON’T  want them taking my kids to their first basketball game, or any other firsts. I’ve missed out already on so many firsts. I DON’T want them teaching my kids to read or write.

Honestly, until I typed it out I didn’t even realize that my jealousy stems from missing out on firsts. That’s why I love journaling. When I start typing, everything just comes out and I can figure out my problems. I knew going into this that we would be adopting “older” kids (not a baby) and that we would miss out on all of their “baby firsts, i.e. steps, words, potty training, etc”. What I didn’t realize is that there are more “firsts” than just that and now after bonding with my kids, I don’t want to miss anymore of those. I don’t want anyone else doing “firsts” with them.

How do I get past this? I can’t speed anything up. I can’t stop their foster parents from doing these “firsts”. I want my kids to be happy so if that means that they do some “firsts” with these people than that’s what I want. But it’s still hard for me to see. It’s hard for me to deal with. I know that there will ALWAYS be firsts. There will be things that I will get to do with them first and no one will be able to take that away from me.

thanks for letting me vent today.

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Adoption

Feeeeelings

Adoption is bringing out a lot of feelings in me. Aside from frustration, happiness, anger, and joy I’m recently feeling a new one A LOT:

JEALOUSY.

Long story short, our kids had to be moved out of their foster home and into a new, temporary one. This home is in a better neighborhood, it is a couple instead of one parent, and the kids are happy. We are now able to FaceTime twice a week and they post daily pictures for us to see. This is all WONDERFUL. And I am VERY thankful for these people being willing to take my kids in for only 2-3 months.

HOWEVER. I am feeling so much jealousy. I want my kids to be happy. I want them to be loved. There will NEVER be TOO MUCH LOVE. My kids are blessed to have so many people love and care about them. Knowing this, however, doesn’t help my jealousy. When they post pics of all of them together, I get so jealous. I want that to be us. I want our kids HERE. I want to be taking them to the park, playing basketball, playing video games, taking them to basketball games, out to eat, everything they do together I want it to be ME (and hubs of course). I want to be posting those pictures. I just want them in MY home.

Adoption has sent me through a whirlwind of emotion. Jealousy is not one I planned on feeling. I knew going into this whole process that my kids would be coming from a foster home. That they would be attached to that home and their foster parents. I did not know however that they would be moved homes after we met and bonded with them. I can’t say for sure but I feel like if they had been in this foster home the whole time, I probably wouldn’t be as jealous. I’m jealous because their move was not here, it was to this new foster home. And they are bonding with their new foster parents (which is GREAT) but doesn’t stop the jealousy.

I love seeing the pictures that they post. I love seeing that my kids are happy and having fun. I love that we can FaceTime them. I love that the new foster parents care about my kids and take care of them. It’s still hard to see. We bonded with these kids, they are MINE. My heart hurts that they can’t be here and it’s hard to see them doing things with other people that I wish we could be doing with them.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart, y’all. It is heartbreaking, gutwrenching and totally, totally worth it.

I know that everything happens in God’s timing. These foster parents were meant to be in my kids lives. God knows what it best for us and this is what’s best for right now. Our kids will get here in the timetable that God has planned.

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

MAJOR Update

Ok, so I had to go back and read my last update so I didn’t repeat anything. So last we left off, we were going to meet the kids!!

The first thing we had to do was have a meeting with their caseworker, adoption caseworker and their boss. We went over a “parenting plan”, basically it said when we could pick the boys up and when we would bring them to their home. Sunday night, if everyone was comfortable, we were allowed to have them sleep over at our hotel. Once that was all decided and every t had been crossed and i had been dotted, we followed them to the kids’ school. When they came out, the caseworker brought them over to our car (it was raining) and we said a quick hello! It was so incredible to meet them in person finally!! They seemed nervous, as were we, so we were unsure if they would be open to hugs or not. We then followed them to a restaurant and when we all got out of our cars, they both ran up to us and gave us hugs!!! (Fear vanished!) They each took one of our hands and we walked into the restaurant. I ordered a salad but basically picked at it, as we were both too busy watching the kids and asking them questions about their favorite things, foods, toys, superheroes, sports and things they didn’t like. L was a little quieter than B but he is also younger so I think he is used to B answering for him. It was a little hard to get to know them because it felt like we were being watched. (Which we were). I felt pressure to bond with them immediately and get to know them. After lunch, we went back to the cars where they hugged us goodbye and we told them we would pick them up in the morning.

The next morning we drove to their foster home and they were waiting and ready to go! We took them to an arcade, lunch, a park, out to dinner and then we

annnd i’m back. I realize that I could have just continued and no one would have ever known that I stepped away from this blog for 3 hours to work on work but that’s not real. Running a small business is 24/7. Everything takes a back seat to the business. Business first, then fun.

So, we took the kids to the arcade, lunch, a park, dinner and then we took them back to their home. When we were at the park, running around with these little munchkins, it suddenly hit me that we were a family. This was going to be life now and I am so so excited. We had SO MUCH FUN. When we were driving them home, B asked me if they were sleeping over that night and when I said no, he was a little disappointed. The bonding was so immediate, they both gave us hugs multiple times during the day and L would run up at any moment to give us hugs. Earlier in the day, Hubs asked them if they knew what adoption meant and told them that we were going to be their forever family and they could call us by our names or they could call us Mom and Dad whenever they were comfortable. They flip flopped a little the first day, sometimes calling us by our names and sometimes calling us Mom & Dad. Dropping them off at their home was so so hard! We wanted to keep them overnight but it wasn’t in the plan.

Then we get back to the hotel, all happy and just feeling so good. Hubby walks into the room first and says “we’ve been robbed.” I was in disbelief at first, but it was ALL gone. Two suitcases and our computer bag. Plus the snack food we’d bought the day before. We called hotel security and it took them TWO HOURS to come take our report. (Believe me, once this is over, they will be getting a horrible review but we are STILL waiting for them to compensate us). While we were waiting for them to come up, I did the only thing I could think of and fell to my knees in prayer. As I was praying for them to find our stuff, something stopped me and I just starting thanking Him for all the things that had gone RIGHT, that we weren’t in the room, that the kids stuff hadn’t been there, that the kids hadn’t been there. I knew they wouldn’t find our things but I realized that they were JUST THINGS. They were all replaceable but what wasn’t replaceable was my memories from that day. Honestly, it sucked that someone would rob us. It sucked that the hotel didn’t seem to care. It made us mad, it made us angry, we were frustrated. But at the end of the day, I know that God was teaching us a lesson. A lesson about how things AREN’T that important. It’s not about having the new iPhone, iPad, or any of it. It’s about creating memories and living in the moment. I learned multiple VALUABLE lessons this trip. 1.) NEVER EVER TRUST HOUSEKEEPING. 2.) THINGS AREN’T THAT IMPORTANT.

So, once security left we called the police and filed a police report, ran to Wal-Mart for pjs, clothes to wear the next day and toiletries and tried to get some sleep for the next day. When we picked up B&L, they were so excited because today was the day they got to spend the night!! We went to a musuem, which was where L called me Mom for the first time and I didn’t even turn around because I’m not used to being called Mom! Then we went to lunch, the store to buy some legos and back to the hotel. I went to the front desk to find out how the investigation was coming along (not at all) and when I got back to the room Hubby told me that B&L had asked him where Mom was!! They were also so excited to see me and gave me hugs! Hubs then he left to go get pizza. I was sitting on one bed, the kids were on the other bed and B said “I’m going to come sit by you, Mom”! My heart melted. We built their legos, they played Mario on our phones, and they asked me where Dad was. Heart melted again! When he got back, they were so excited to see him and gave him hugs as well! They went to sleep as well as can be expected for being in a hotel room and woke up really well. As we were driving them to school, L said “I can’t wait to tell my friends I got new parents!!” I about died, it was so adorable! Dropping them off at school was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. We were uncertain about when we would see them again, as we were leaving that day, so we couldn’t tell them “see you next week or in two weeks”. I’m not sure L understood that we weren’t picking him up later but B knew and as we drove away he looked so sad, I wanted to just take him with us.

It was the BEST trip ever! I had so many fears going into meeting them and NONE of them came true. They are two of the most respectful, caring, sharing, polite kids I have ever met and it is unbelievable that they have been in the system. We miss them SO MUCH! We do get to talk to them on the phone which is nice, however difficult because they are just not phone talkers. It also breaks my heart every time one of them asks when they are coming out here. We have no answer to that question and I wish so much that we did!

That was a long update and I can’t think of anything more to add right now!

xoxo

nikki

Posted in Adoption

So Sick

I need to do a major update but just don’t feel like typing it all today.

I’m so sick of everything. But mostly the waiting. I’m sick of waiting  for the contracts. I’m sick of waiting on the negotiations. I’m sick of waiting for approval from EVERYBODY. I’m sick of answering questions.

Most of all, I’m sick of not having my kids here. The connection with them was so immediate. The bonding so easy. They are my kids. And I want them to be home. I’m sick of not knowing who they’re with. What home they’re in. Where they are. I’m sick of not being able to skype and see their adorable faces.

I’m sick of it all. And very complain-y apparently. I just feel so alone lately. I love my husband but his approach is more laid back and calm. He doesn’t worry about these things. It will all work out the way it’s supposed too. And I know that too but it doesn’t stop me from worrying or thinking about these things.

We spent 3 days with the kids. 3 days and I am bonded to them. There is not a second of the day that I don’t think about them. Wonder what they are doing. If they are ok. If they think of us. If they remember us.

Adoption is worth it (you will never hear me say otherwise) BUT it is hard, frustrating, and upsetting. It is not an easy process. It will test you in multiple ways. It will tear you apart and put you back together. You will get SO SICK of paperwork and answering the same questions over and over again.

I realize that the time will fly by but right now I am just so.over.it.

xoxo

nikki