Life just seems to be hard lately.
The Adoption just seems to be hurry up…and wait. And wait. Annnnnd…..wait some more. I know it’s all in God’s timing but I’m just impatient. Sometimes I wonder why we even went through an agency. WE are doing all the work! We are keeping in contact with the out of state social worker and adoption worker. Why am I paying these other people?!?
The store is slow and although that’s to be expected, it’s still hard to see every day. I just keep trying to get through these holiday months where everyone is shopping every where else and not planning parties.
The Dementia is getting worse. To make a (really) long story short, last week at about 6pm I was ringing a strangers door to see if they had found my grandpa. (They had and everything was ok). But since then, I’ve just been….I don’t know. It seems like I can’t get over it. It seems like everyone else in the family is past it and moved on and I’m stuck. I don’t know if it’s because I was the one knocking on strangers doors or what but I just can’t get past it. And I can’t even explain my feelings about it either. I can’t describe how I’m feeling besides blank. It’s not fear or anger or frustration I’m just blank about it all. But when I close my eyes I relive it. I’m not sleeping well. I’ve told myself to just get past it and let it go but somehow that’s easier said than done. I’m really, really struggling and I don’t know what to do. I’ve talked it out and still…not over it.
I’m trying so hard to focus on the good in my life. All the blessings. I’m just really struggling. A part of me just doesn’t care about any of this. I just want to crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up when everything is better. All I can do is really push through the hard times in the hope that better times are ahead.
Depression is ugly and awful and part of me is thankful I can’t have children and pass these genes on. There are times when I so WANT to be happy but yet my depression won’t let me. It always focuses on the negative even when I try and try to focus on the positive.
Writing here actually helps more than anything else. Just getting everything out into the universe is good for my soul. I feel slightly better after writing, which probably means I need to do it more often!
*I’ll be sharing some more blogs that I wrote about the adoption this week, so stay tuned for more interesting (and not so depressing) blogs!*