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Infertility Struggle.

I realized that I mention my Infertility Struggle a lot on here and always refer to it as in my past but I have never talked about how I got past my struggle.

It seems to me that it has been a long time since I really struggled with my infertility but in reality it has only been about two years since I stopped feeling depressed about it and about a year since I knew I would be okay (happy even!) if I never had kids.

Honestly, the best thing that could have ever happened for me and my infertility was the change of scenery. Moving from Alabama to Colorado. And opening up a party store.

In 2013, we went through a fertility treatment. It failed. I was devastated. We had really felt like it was going to work. The doctor was incredibly positive and never showed any signs that it would fail. When it did, he couldn’t even explain to me why. That was the last straw for that clinic. We knew we would never go back there.

So we were stuck. The next closest clinic was Atlanta, GA but we were both TIRED. We needed a break from the treatments, the shots, the dr appts, the ultrasounds, the invasiveness of it all.

I took a trip to Colorado to visit my Grandparents and Uncle. And six months later, we were so so blessed to be able to move out here AND open our own party store! It was exactly what we needed. It felt right.

Once we were out here, the party store took over our lives. It is tiring to open and run a business. It took more out of me than I even knew I had. But it has been so worth it. So for the first six months I didn’t even think about infertility or kids. But then the thoughts started creeping back in. I wanted kids. I wanted somebody to leave our legacy to. But it had only been a year since the failed treatment and I didn’t want to go through that again. Before we had left Alabama, we had started looking into adoption and it felt right to look into it again here. We found an agency that we thought we liked. But things started feeling weird, people were transferred on and off our case and it didn’t feel right. So we left that agency.

And I struggled to know what was right. Did the agency not feel right because we weren’t supposed to adopt? Were we even supposed to have kids? I struggled to know what to do. My husband had left the decision up to me, he said he would be happy with or without kids, he just wanted ME to be happy.

So one day I was up in my craft room and the question hit me:

Would I rather have kids with someone else or have no kids with my husband?

The answer was SO easy I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it all along. I would NEVER change my husband and if that meant I would never have kids, then that was it. It was a no-brainer.

And it feels right. I feel good about my decision. The fear, anger, frustration all disappeared. I knew that no matter what happened in our lives, kids or no kids, we would be fine. We would be happy because we were together.

And after realizing that, I didn’t struggle with my infertility anymore. I accepted that it was a part of me. It was something that would always be a part of me but it wasn’t a struggle. It wasn’t depressing. It was just something that I had to deal with and that I did deal with. I’ve realized now that infertility itself was never my trial. Struggling with it was my trial. And with the help of God and my husband, I am past that trial.

xoxo

nikki

 

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Just a wife, foster/adoptive mama, fur mama and small business owner sharing her life!

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