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It’s All Hard

I’m not handling things particularly well lately. The other day I cried in the parking lot at work. Standing outside my car. Talking to my hubby. Crying in broad daylight while people were walking and driving by. And I didn’t even care. Rock Bottom? Ha, not even close to rock bottom for me.

Dementia. Infertility. Adoption. Work. All things that just roam around in my mind all day long.

Dementia- the reason why I was crying in the parking lot. It is devastating watching it happen. It is devastating knowing there’s nothing to do. I can never make it better. It will only get worse.

Infertility- will this ever not haunt me? I found a box of old pictures of my hubby the other day and he was SO CUTE as a baby. I would love to have a little boy just like him. A little boy that is part him and part me. But I just don’t know if I can go through those treatments again. Partly because of what it did to my body and partly because if it doesn’t work I don’t know if I’ll make it through that hurt again.

Adoption- I just don’t know right now. I do want to adopt. I would love to give a child in need a loving, caring family. But the process is so long, so hard, so heart breaking.

Work- Making the store successful. Bringing more customers in. Getting our average ticket up. Even though I’m not usually on my feet at the store 8 hours a day, I’m spending more than that thinking up ideas for the store and working in my home office. I want to be successful. I will be successful. It’s just a long process.

And then sometimes I wonder if I’m just not meant to have kids. I mean, if I was meant to have kids would it be THIS difficult? I know good things aren’t easy but if they’re THIS hard, is it worth it? Should I keep fighting for something that is draining me? I’ve been fighting this fight for 6 years now. And I know people who have fought it for much longer than me. But I don’t know. Right now, it doesn’t feel worth it. And I could change my mind tomorrow. I want to be a mom. I want to see my husband be a dad. But I also want it to be easy. It’s not easy. It’s NEVER going to be easy. Why is it easy for some people? Why do 7 out of 8 people just get pregnant easily? Why am I 1 in 8?

All questions that I just can’t answer right now. Maybe there aren’t any answers to them. Maybe I already know what the answer is: FAITH. Faith that life is going to go how it’s supposed to. Faith that these questions will be answered eventually. Faith, Faith, Faith.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

xoxo

nikki

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Just a wife, foster/adoptive mama, fur mama and small business owner sharing her life!

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