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Love

Infertility is hard. It’s a tough, tough situation.

When I was in my deepest struggle, a thought occurred to me. Would I give up my husband to have children? If I could choose another man who could give me children, would I make a different decision? The answer was so clear, I almost scared myself with how loudly my mind SCREAMED NO.

NO. I would never give my husband up. I would never change a thing about him. Or us.

I would rather live the rest of my life childless, then live it without him.

It’s that simple. It’s easy. He is simply the love of my life.

I thought I loved before him but that was nothing. When you really love someone, the small things they do EVERY DAY makes you love them more. When I think I can’t love him more than I already do, I always do. (did that even make sense?) My love for him is always growing. 6 years in and I love him so much more than I even imagined I could. And I know in 6 more years I’ll love him even more than I thought I ever could.

It’s the silly, little, tiny things he does that make me love him even more.

Example: Yesterday I cleaned out the bathroom of all the painting supplies and laid them out in the hallway to put in the spare room. The next time I went upstairs he had already moved them into the spare room. And I loved him so much for that. It’s silly.

He’s the reason why I know I’ll be okay if I never have kids. He’s the reason why I know I’ll be okay. He is the reason why I’m ok. He’s simply everything and I can’t imagine life without him.

Our marriage is everything I wanted marriage to be. It’s everything I never knew it could be. Seeing my parents divorce, I never wanted marriage. I didn’t want to put kids through that. I didn’t have good faith in marriage. I didn’t want to be alone but I leaned more towards the “living with someone” avenue. I figured if you lived with them, you could always leave if you wanted to without the messy divorce part.

But one day, after living together for about 3 months, he brought up marriage. I told him marriage was it for me. If we got married, there would be no divorce. If we got married, it was forever. After saying this, I didn’t expect much. I didn’t think anyone would agree to those terms. Even I knew they were silly and demanding but it was how I felt and I wasn’t going to get married to get divorced later on.

But he simply said “ok”. And a month later, we were married. And I thought I loved him then.

xoxo

nikki

 

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Author:

Just a wife, foster/adoptive mama, fur mama and small business owner sharing her life!

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