I just feel like I need to blog today. About what, I’m not sure. So many thoughts going around and around in my mind.
Life has been…busy, wonderful, difficult, time-consuming, happy, sad, mad…
The last week has been working ten hour+ days at the Halloween store getting it ready. We opened it today. It was exhuasting but it will be so worth it the closer we get to Halloween!
My personal life has been…well, crazy. The last couple months I don’t feel like I’ve been present. I’m here. And I feel like I hide my craziness really well. But as far as enjoying and being happy…I don’t feel like I’m there. Clinical depression is hard. I know I could go get on anti-depressants easily but I also know they won’t fix anything for me. I’m not at the suicidal point. I’m just…not happy. I’m not satisfied. And I just need time to figure it out.
When I turned 28 in August, red flags started going off in my head and I just sunk into this depression that I couldn’t figure out. I couldn’t figure out what triggered it (and there’s always a trigger). One day it hit me. In 2013, we stopped fertility treatments and moved to Colorado. The store was taking all our time and so I told myself that I would put a pin in the whole baby thing and think about it again when I was 30. Well, at that time I was 25 and 30 seemed so far. Now I’m 28 and 30 seems so close. I know the stats, once you hit 30-32 your chances of conceiving go down. Mine are already so low, it scares me that they could go down.
When I was 24 the doctor said my chances were good that the fertility treatments would work and they didn’t. When I’m 30 what will my chances be? And do I even want to go through that again? 90% of me SCREAMS NO but 10% of me just doesn’t know. 30 is so close now. I know that my chances of actually conceiving and carrying a baby aren’t great. And I know I don’t have to make that decision today or tomorrow or for 2 more years. But making that decision scares me. Could I handle it if the fertility treatments failed again? But on the other hand could I handle it if I decided to NOT go through them? It’s a tough situation. And I’m just trying to put it as far from my mind as possible.
So that’s where I am. Just trying to put all this as far from my mind as possible.
Thanks for reading this, whoever you are.