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It’s All Hard

I’m not handling things particularly well lately. The other day I cried in the parking lot at work. Standing outside my car. Talking to my hubby. Crying in broad daylight while people were walking and driving by. And I didn’t even care. Rock Bottom? Ha, not even close to rock bottom for me.

Dementia. Infertility. Adoption. Work. All things that just roam around in my mind all day long.

Dementia- the reason why I was crying in the parking lot. It is devastating watching it happen. It is devastating knowing there’s nothing to do. I can never make it better. It will only get worse.

Infertility- will this ever not haunt me? I found a box of old pictures of my hubby the other day and he was SO CUTE as a baby. I would love to have a little boy just like him. A little boy that is part him and part me. But I just don’t know if I can go through those treatments again. Partly because of what it did to my body and partly because if it doesn’t work I don’t know if I’ll make it through that hurt again.

Adoption- I just don’t know right now. I do want to adopt. I would love to give a child in need a loving, caring family. But the process is so long, so hard, so heart breaking.

Work- Making the store successful. Bringing more customers in. Getting our average ticket up. Even though I’m not usually on my feet at the store 8 hours a day, I’m spending more than that thinking up ideas for the store and working in my home office. I want to be successful. I will be successful. It’s just a long process.

And then sometimes I wonder if I’m just not meant to have kids. I mean, if I was meant to have kids would it be THIS difficult? I know good things aren’t easy but if they’re THIS hard, is it worth it? Should I keep fighting for something that is draining me? I’ve been fighting this fight for 6 years now. And I know people who have fought it for much longer than me. But I don’t know. Right now, it doesn’t feel worth it. And I could change my mind tomorrow. I want to be a mom. I want to see my husband be a dad. But I also want it to be easy. It’s not easy. It’s NEVER going to be easy. Why is it easy for some people? Why do 7 out of 8 people just get pregnant easily? Why am I 1 in 8?

All questions that I just can’t answer right now. Maybe there aren’t any answers to them. Maybe I already know what the answer is: FAITH. Faith that life is going to go how it’s supposed to. Faith that these questions will be answered eventually. Faith, Faith, Faith.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

xoxo

nikki

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Trials

Last night, I was talking with a friend about social media and how just down it can make you feel to see everyone else posting happy things while it feels like you just don’t measure up. Even though we know social media is just a snapshot of people’s lives, for the most part, people only post the positive making it seem like their life is so much better and happier than ours. I told her that was one of the reasons why I deleted my Facebook, I barely use Twitter and one of the main reasons I use instagram at all is to follow celebs.

It also made me grateful for this space. Yes, I use my name but for the most part I feel very anonymous on this blog. None of my family knows about it. None of my friends know about it. If you’re here, it’s either from Instagram or some weird search term lol. And I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful to have a spot where I can just vent and not get any backlash from anyone in my daily life. I’m thankful that my Instagram is pretty anonymous too.

Anyways, none of that has anything to do with trials, just a very long side note lol.

Trials. We all have them, are going to have them, may be going through them right now. Trials are hard. (Why they’re called trials haha). I feel like I just started coming to terms with my infertility trial and now I’m going through a new trial. Dementia. I wrote about dementia a couple posts ago so go see that if you want all the details. I feel like I didn’t even get a break between trials. I finally come to terms with my infertility and God was like “ok, next trial”. I feel beaten. I feel distraught. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. Truly, this is not really my trial. It’s not my fight. But I come from a family of , what my hubby likes to call, “fixers”. We like to solve everyone’s problems. We want everyone else to be happy even if we are not. So I guess more than the dementia, being a fixer is my trial.

I want to take my Grandpa’s dementia away. I want that so much for my Grandma and my mom and my uncle. I want them to have him back. (And now I’m crying). Dementia is  just the worst thing I’ve seen. It breaks your heart into a thousand tiny pieces. It takes someone you love and leaves a shell of them. They’re still here, they’re still alive but it’s like they’re dead.

I pray SO HARD every night. Just for strength. And peace. And patience. Not only for me but for my grandma, for my mom, for my uncle. For anyone else who is going through this horrific trial of seeing dementia take someone they love.

I just don’t know how much more I can take. And I know I’ll have to take so much more. We’re not at the end of this disease. We’re not even close. There is so much more to lose. There is so much struggle left.

I know God will get us through. I know it with every fiber of my being. But knowing it doesn’t make any of this less difficult. It still hurts every. single. day.

So why trials? Why do we go through them? Because in the end, after all the pain and the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the tears, and everything else,  WE WILL BE STRONGER.

 

xoxo

nikki

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Love

Infertility is hard. It’s a tough, tough situation.

When I was in my deepest struggle, a thought occurred to me. Would I give up my husband to have children? If I could choose another man who could give me children, would I make a different decision? The answer was so clear, I almost scared myself with how loudly my mind SCREAMED NO.

NO. I would never give my husband up. I would never change a thing about him. Or us.

I would rather live the rest of my life childless, then live it without him.

It’s that simple. It’s easy. He is simply the love of my life.

I thought I loved before him but that was nothing. When you really love someone, the small things they do EVERY DAY makes you love them more. When I think I can’t love him more than I already do, I always do. (did that even make sense?) My love for him is always growing. 6 years in and I love him so much more than I even imagined I could. And I know in 6 more years I’ll love him even more than I thought I ever could.

It’s the silly, little, tiny things he does that make me love him even more.

Example: Yesterday I cleaned out the bathroom of all the painting supplies and laid them out in the hallway to put in the spare room. The next time I went upstairs he had already moved them into the spare room. And I loved him so much for that. It’s silly.

He’s the reason why I know I’ll be okay if I never have kids. He’s the reason why I know I’ll be okay. He is the reason why I’m ok. He’s simply everything and I can’t imagine life without him.

Our marriage is everything I wanted marriage to be. It’s everything I never knew it could be. Seeing my parents divorce, I never wanted marriage. I didn’t want to put kids through that. I didn’t have good faith in marriage. I didn’t want to be alone but I leaned more towards the “living with someone” avenue. I figured if you lived with them, you could always leave if you wanted to without the messy divorce part.

But one day, after living together for about 3 months, he brought up marriage. I told him marriage was it for me. If we got married, there would be no divorce. If we got married, it was forever. After saying this, I didn’t expect much. I didn’t think anyone would agree to those terms. Even I knew they were silly and demanding but it was how I felt and I wasn’t going to get married to get divorced later on.

But he simply said “ok”. And a month later, we were married. And I thought I loved him then.

xoxo

nikki

 

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Thoughts

I just feel like I need to blog today. About what, I’m not sure. So many thoughts going around and around in my mind.

Life has been…busy, wonderful, difficult, time-consuming, happy, sad, mad…

The last week has been working ten hour+ days at the Halloween store getting it ready. We opened it today. It was exhuasting but it will be so worth it the closer we get to Halloween!

My personal life has been…well, crazy. The last couple months I don’t feel like I’ve been present. I’m here. And I feel like I hide my craziness really well. But as far as enjoying and being happy…I don’t feel like I’m there. Clinical depression is hard. I know I could go get on anti-depressants easily but I also know they won’t fix anything for me. I’m not at the suicidal point. I’m just…not happy. I’m not satisfied. And I just need time to figure it out.

When I turned 28 in August, red flags started going off in my head and I just sunk into this depression that I couldn’t figure out. I couldn’t figure out what triggered it (and there’s always a trigger). One day it hit me. In 2013, we stopped fertility treatments and moved to Colorado. The store was taking all our time and so I told myself that I would put a pin in the whole baby thing and think about it again when I was 30. Well, at that time I was 25 and 30 seemed so far. Now I’m 28 and 30 seems so close. I know the stats, once you hit 30-32 your chances of conceiving go down. Mine are already so low, it scares me that they could go down.

When I was 24 the doctor said my chances were good that the fertility treatments would work and they didn’t. When I’m 30 what will my chances be? And do I even want to go through that again? 90% of me SCREAMS NO but 10% of me just doesn’t know. 30 is so close now. I know that my chances of actually conceiving and carrying a baby aren’t great. And I know I don’t have to make that decision today or tomorrow or for 2 more years. But making that decision scares me. Could I handle it if the fertility treatments failed again? But on the other hand could I handle it if I decided to NOT go through them? It’s a tough situation. And I’m just trying to put it as far from my mind as possible.

So that’s where I am. Just trying to put all this as far from my mind as possible.

Thanks for reading this, whoever you are.

xoxo

nikki