Depression is such a tricky, tricky illness. Just when you think you’ve got it under control, you get around someone who is depressed and just being around them makes your depression run wild.
I truly try to think positive. I absolutely believe that I can control my depression without medication. I’ve been doing it. But because my depression is genetic, when I am around some people in my family when they are depressed, it causes me to start that downward spiral. (Does that even make sense?)
It honestly sucks because I want to be around these people. I love them more than anything else in the world but when they start spiraling, I start spiraling. I don’t want this to sound like blame because it’s not. I will NEVER EVER blame someone for being depressed. I completely understand that it’s not controllable. (Although sometimes it is easier to control with medication.)
When I get depressed, I simply want to be left alone in a dark room and not deal with anything or anyone. However, I can’t. Running a business doesn’t leave very much time for dark-room-sitting.
Honestly, it feels like this: it feels like I’ve got all these tentacles inside of me just flailing around, messing everything up and these little people are running around inside of me trying to get the tentacles back in control, locked up and handcuffed and they aren’t succeeding. In the back of my mind, I know that eventually I’ll succeed. I’ll be in control again. But right now it is just. so. hard.
And that is Clinical Depression. I’m pissed that I let one person affect me like this. And I’ve heard “just don’t let people affect you” many, many times before. If you don’t have depression, you just won’t get it. I can try really, really hard to not be affected and it will still affect me. It’s how I’m made. It’s how I was created. It’s how my brain works.
So for right now, I just keep thinking “you were given this life because you are STRONG ENOUGH to live it.” And eventually I’ll be back in control.