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Facebook.

After everything that’s gone on in the world lately, I quit Facebook.

I had been thinking about deleting Facebook for a couple weeks now and that was the last straw. We are so connected to our phones and tablets and I just don’t want to be that connected to people who don’t care about me. (But you have a website, Nikki?!) Yeah, yeah I know. But this is my place to share my thoughts and my life. Honestly, I don’t care if people don’t read it. I don’t promote it so it doesn’t surprise me when I login after a week and my views are the same. I’m just putting my thoughts out here with the hope that maybe one day someone struggling will read them and know that they are not alone. (But now I’m way off topic!)

Facebook. It used to be a way to connect with your friends who lived out of state. We used to comment on each other’s walls and update our status’s (and actually leave nice comments on each other’s status’s.) Now it’s just sharing videos and a place to argue politics, religion, and anything else that offends you (which is pretty much everything.)

After the mental breakdown I’ve had, Facebook was one of the first things that needed to go. Tell me you don’t look at Facebook and get upset about something somebody said. We get offended so easily and I think Facebook has a lot to do with it. And you want to go off but know that somebody will just respond back and you’ll be fighting back and forth all day. What a waste of a day! Arguing with someone you barely (or don’t) even know.

I used to justify having Facebook by saying “but if I delete I’ll lose contact with this person and that person.” But, honestly, the people I care about staying in contact with either live nearby and I see them or I have their number and we text/call.

The first couple days were an adjustment just because I didn’t realize how much I randomly pick up my phone and check Facebook. But the more days that go by, the more I realize how I didn’t care that much about my Facebook acquaintances. And it is SO NICE to be more unplugged.

Of course I still have my business Facebook, my Intsagram and Twitter (for now) but I don’t check those as much as I did my personal Facebook. It’s nice to be present in my life!

xoxo

nikki

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Posted in Uncategorized

Depression.

Depression is such a tricky, tricky illness. Just when you think you’ve got it under control, you get around someone who is depressed and just being around them makes your depression run wild.

I truly try to think positive. I absolutely believe that I can control my depression without medication. I’ve been doing it. But because my depression is genetic, when I am around some people in my family when they are depressed, it causes me to start that downward spiral. (Does that even make sense?)

It honestly sucks because I want to be around these people. I love them more than anything else in the world but when they start spiraling, I start spiraling. I don’t want this to sound like blame because it’s not. I will NEVER EVER blame someone for being depressed. I completely understand that it’s not controllable. (Although sometimes it is easier to control with medication.)

When I get depressed, I simply want to be left alone in a dark room and not deal with anything or anyone. However, I can’t. Running a business doesn’t leave very much time for dark-room-sitting.

Honestly, it feels like this: it feels like I’ve got all these tentacles inside of me just flailing around, messing everything up and these little people are running around inside of me trying to get the tentacles back in control, locked up and handcuffed and they aren’t succeeding. In the back of my mind, I know that eventually I’ll succeed. I’ll be in control again. But right now it is just. so. hard.

And that is Clinical Depression. I’m pissed that I let one person affect me like this. And I’ve heard “just don’t let people affect you” many, many times before. If you don’t have depression, you just won’t get it. I can try really, really hard to not be affected and it will still affect me. It’s how I’m made. It’s how I was created. It’s how my brain works.

So for right now, I just keep thinking “you were given this life because you are STRONG ENOUGH to live it.” And eventually I’ll be back in control.

xoxo

nikki