As I have struggled with my infertility, I have learned one VERY important lesson:
It doesn’t matter how many years go by, or if I even do get to have kids naturally, my infertility WILL ALWAYS be a part of me.
I truly wish that I could be 100% fine with my infertility. But there will always be that part of me that tracks my cycle and wonders if “I’m late”. There will always be a part of me that hopes that the test will come up positive this time. And there is ALWAYS a part of me that is sad when it shows up negative.
I honestly don’t want that part of me. I want to be 100%. I don’t want to be 95%. I don’t want the 5% of me that still has hope. It sounds awful but if you’ve been there you get it. After so many negative tests, so much hope crushed, so many doctor appointments, and failed treatments, I just want to move on. And I am but there is still that 5% of me that has hope, that thinks “I’m late” means I might be pregnant, that looks for signs of pregnancy. And honestly, it’s just draining.
It’s times like these that I cling to what I know. I KNOW that God will never give me more than I can handle. I KNOW that I am strong enough for this battle. I KNOW that God is walking right beside me throughout this trial and ALL the other ones I’ve been through and will go through.
But even though I know all of this, sometimes I just have to cry.