Sometimes the pain of infertility just hits you. All of sudden. Out of the blue.
I remember EVERYTHING about the moment our fertility specialist told us we had a slim to none chance of conceiving naturally. And you might go,”Everything? Come on, Nikki, you’re exaggerating a little bit.”
I remember being cold. Of course, I’m usually cold but in that moment I was really, really cold. His office was cold. I’m sure he had the a/c on even though it was January.
I remember that office. I’m positive that if you asked me too, I could draw a picture of how every piece of furniture was arranged back then.
I remember him coming in and sitting down and knowing immediately that he didn’t have good news. Before he even said anything, I just KNEW it was bad news.
I remember him spreading these papers out. All our tests.
I remember him drawing out how conception is supposed to work. And how our bodies don’t work.
And then he said it, “You have a slim to none chance of conceiving naturally.” If everything in your body is normal, you have a 25% chance of conceiving every month. That number seems small! Slim is like maaaaybe a 1% chance but probably less than that.
I remember trying not to fall apart. I remember trying not to cry. I remember that he was STILL talking and my husband was STILL talking and all I wanted to do was get out of there.
I remember holding it together until we got to the car. Then I remember crying and crying and crying.
I remember being SO mad at God. Because it didn’t make any sense. Why was I being punished? Why was the one thing I wanted being taken away from me? Why? Why? Why?
Slim to none is just a part of me now. I’ve come to accept it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still remember. It doesn’t mean I don’t still get sad about it sometimes. I’ve learned that my infertility is a part of who I am. It doesn’t define me anymore but it is still a part of me.
The best news though? God never left me. He let me be angry with Him and still never left me. He let me scream at Him, blame Him, barter with Him and beg Him and He still never stopped loving me. He led my life the way it was supposed to go, sometimes dragging me along with Him, but He never let go. And for that I cannot express how grateful I am.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
(This scripture hangs over my fireplace. It is a wonderful reminder that God is here and He knows what He’s doing).