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Faith.

Faith is a hard concept. It’s hard to hold onto faith sometimes when everything around you doesn’t make sense. You may wonder will God come through this time? I know He came through last time but what about this time? The answer is He will ALWAYS come through. It just may take more time than we want it to. It may not make sense the way we want it to.

My faith in God is not struggling. I have full and complete faith that God will come through and then it will all make sense.

What I’m struggling right now with is faith in OTHER people. Having faith that so-and-so will do what they say they are going to do because I’ve got a lot waiting on it. Honestly, I don’t try to do a lot of things that depend on other people. I like to do things that depend on me or my husband or family because I KNOW that they will come through.

Running a business means I have to put A LOT of faith in others. And it’s hard. I really hate that part. I sometimes wish I could just be in charge of everything. I wish I owned my building and didn’t rent. I wish I had a factory that made my products. If I had these things, then I wouldn’t have to wait on other people.

Faith in others. It’s not a concept that I ever really focused or thought about. I always focused on my faith in God but lately God’s been whispering to me to have faith in others. So I’ll try. I’ll really really try.

Faith and Patience. It seems that I’ve got some lessons to learn about them.

xoxo

nikki

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Always a Part of Me

As I have struggled with my infertility, I have learned one VERY important lesson:

It doesn’t matter how many years go by, or if I even do get to have kids naturally, my infertility WILL ALWAYS be a part of me.

I truly wish that I could be 100% fine with my infertility. But there will always be that part of me that tracks my cycle and wonders if “I’m late”. There will always be a part of me that hopes that the test will come up positive this time. And there is ALWAYS a part of me that is sad when it shows up negative.

I honestly don’t want that part of me. I want to be 100%. I don’t want to be 95%. I don’t want the 5% of me that still has hope. It sounds awful but if you’ve been there you get it. After so many negative tests, so much hope crushed, so many doctor appointments, and failed treatments, I just want to move on. And I am but there is still that 5% of me that has hope, that thinks “I’m late” means I might be pregnant, that looks for signs of pregnancy. And honestly, it’s just draining.

It’s times like these that I cling to what I know. I KNOW that God will never give me more than I can handle. I KNOW that I am strong enough for this battle. I KNOW that God is walking right beside me throughout this trial and ALL the other ones I’ve been through and will go through.

But even though I know all of this, sometimes I just have to cry.

xoxo

nikki

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10 Years

How is it that 10 years can go by so quickly?

This past weekend, as I was blowing up balloons for High School Graduations, it hit me that this year marks TEN YEARS since I graduated from High School. (I mean I knew it was coming up but DANG that was fast!)

Ten years ago I was walking across that stage receiving my diploma.

Ten years ago I had no plans for my future. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Ten years ago I would have laughed if you told me that ten years from then I would be running my own business.

Ten years ago I was deep in my struggle with depression.

Ten years ago I had no idea what infertility was or how it would affect my life.

Ten years ago I was naive about a lot of things.

 

Today I blew up balloons for other people walking across that stage receiving their diplomas.

Today I have lots of plans for my (our) future.

Today I am running my own business (with my husband!) and most days in awe that I even have the opportunity to do so!

Today I know my depression. I know how to handle it and I don’t struggle with it anymore.

Today I know what infertility is. I want to speak out about it so that EVERYONE is familiar with infertility. It affects 1 in 8 people! It is something that should be talked about instead of whispered or kept to ourselves.

Today I’m more knowledgeable about a lot of things. I would hope so seeing as how it’s been ten years!

So here’s to ten years of being out in the real world! (And here’s hoping the next ten won’t go quite as fast!)

xoxo

nikki

 

 

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I Remember

Sometimes the pain of infertility just hits you. All of sudden. Out of the blue.

I remember EVERYTHING about the moment our fertility specialist told us we had a slim to none chance of conceiving naturally. And you might go,”Everything? Come on, Nikki, you’re exaggerating a little bit.”

I remember being cold. Of course, I’m usually cold but in that moment I was really, really cold. His office was cold. I’m sure he had the a/c on even though it was January.

I remember that office. I’m positive that if you asked me too, I could draw a picture of how every piece of furniture was arranged back then.

I remember him coming in and sitting down and knowing immediately that he didn’t have good news. Before he even said anything, I just KNEW it was bad news.

I remember him spreading these papers out. All our tests.

I remember him drawing out how conception is supposed to work. And how our bodies don’t work.

And then he said it, “You have a slim to none chance of conceiving naturally.” If everything in your body is normal, you have a 25% chance of conceiving every month. That number seems small! Slim is like maaaaybe a 1% chance but probably less than that.

I remember trying not to fall apart. I remember trying not to cry. I remember that he was STILL talking and my husband was STILL talking and all I wanted to do was get out of there.

 

I remember holding it together until we got to the car. Then I remember crying and crying and crying.

I remember being SO mad at God. Because it didn’t make any sense. Why was I being punished? Why was the one thing I wanted being taken away from me? Why? Why? Why?

Slim to none is just a part of me now. I’ve come to accept it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still remember. It doesn’t mean I don’t still get sad about it sometimes. I’ve learned that my infertility is a part of who I am. It doesn’t define me anymore but it is still a part of me.

The best news though? God never left me. He let me be angry with Him and still never left me. He let me scream at Him, blame Him, barter with Him and beg Him and He still never stopped loving me. He led my life the way it was supposed to go, sometimes dragging me along with Him, but He never let go. And for that I cannot express how grateful I am.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

(This scripture hangs over my fireplace. It is a wonderful reminder that God is here and He knows what He’s doing).

xoxo

nikki