I have so many feelings lately that I just don’t even know what to write. I want to be positive because I feel like so many of my blogs are negative but truth be told, I only feel negative lately.
I received a card yesterday from my biological father that just made me angry again. Which in turn made me even angrier at myself because I have worked really hard the last month to start getting past what he’s done to me in the past year. And the card was stupid and he didn’t apologize for anything instead tried to make himself the good guy and tell me everything was going to be okay. He also wrote “I wish I could take your pain away”, um, if you wished that, how about you stop being part of the pain???
He wrote about how the last 6 months must have been hard on me and he wrote about the boys, things that he had no clue about because he was never involved. He writes things like “I hope you always have happy memories of your boys”…uhh we have some but a lot of them are not good memories and also they ARE NOT OUR BOYS, if they were they would STILL BE HERE. He wrote things that make no sense to our situation. But I guess it does make sense because he was NEVER involved with them at all. He didn’t even meet them, skype with them, call them, he has no idea what they look like other than a few photos i texted him. (Because I wanted to text them, not because he ever asked for photos, because he didn’t ever ask).
I really want a new start. I want to just start over somewhere new. Where all these memories won’t haunt me every day. Where I won’t see the boys when I look outside. Where I won’t remember that “they did this there” or “they did that here”. I want to purge my house of anything that reminds me of them.
And then I don’t. I want to remember when they “did this there” or “did that here”. I want to see pictures of them. I want to remember them.
There are times when I look outside and just remember. Remember blowing bubbles with them, remember teaching them how to ride bikes, remember how they would hug me, and say “i love you”. Remember how they would call me “mom”.
I honestly cannot believe that it has been 6 months that they’ve been gone. Honestly, they have now been gone twice as long as they were here. Is that really right? Yeah. I can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. It doesn’t feel like we’ve gone through all the big holidays without them. It just doesn’t feel right sometimes.
I feel like I’m living my life without really living it. Does anyone feel like that? It’s like you know you’re living your life. You do your daily things. You know you’re doing them but you’re just going through the motions. Sometimes I feel like my life stopped the day the boys left and even though time is going on, I’m not. I’m stuck in that day that they left and my world turned on its side. And I realized I may never have kids or be a mom. I want to move forward but I can’t. It’s like I’m stuck. And I don’t know how to get past this. It’s been six months and to me it feels like it was yesterday. The only reason why I know it’s been that long is because of the weather. If the weather was still 80 degrees, I would think time had just stopped.
I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I feel like a need a new start. A new place, just a start over. (with my husband and dogs of course).
I just don’t know.